Simply a child of GOD cleverly disguised as a worker in a Filipino orphanage...

Joy of remembrance. . .

2012-01-22T09:40:00.004-05:00

I've had a number of different blog posts rolling around in my head for weeks... finally... they will start emerging for public viewing. Enjoy:

Ate Brittany... they come and wake me up from a lazy holiday morning sleeping in.. 'someone is here. A foreigner. They are asking for you.'

I groggily switch quickly out of basketball shorts and into something a little better to meet someone in, all the while wondering who in the world is here. All the other executive and office staff are out this morning and so I go down to the front gate.

There she is standing, she's heard about GH through the web and blogs and has come to just find out a little more. Our conversation, standing on the front steps, lasted maybe 30 minutes. But the effects of the conversation are still felt vividly today. I had just the week ... well for multiple weeks before honestly, had been asking the Lord, what was He doing with me? What was I doing here? Why? ... So I tell her.. I tell her my story.. I tell her how God worked. I tell her how God spoke and how He moved.

Then on to another scenario...I've recently read her book, Katie Davis's Kisses from Katie.

Another scenario... I read the blogs about those coming/moving.

I read these stories and I remember feeling those emotions once. The feeling of 'This is it! This is where I'm supposed to be!' I remember that excited giddy feeling... and then.. I suddenly feel a new feeling.. I feel a gentle whisper... One that I've heard before ... You are STILL HERE... STILL where I have you..I'M still holding you.

And just like that ... a wave of giddiness comes over me again... 'I AM HERE... I'm still here.. ' somewhere along the way I became calloused to the idea of being where God had me.. I had forgotten that I am living the dream that HE put in my heart over 8 years ago. This life dream that I have dreamt of and fantasized over and over in my years is REALITY! ... And a new thought comes 'This is AWESOME!' ... This is joy.

This is joy.

Remembering. Remembering in the dark what was spoken to you in the light.

I remember talking to her, I remember reading her words, I remember seeing them prepare. . . And as I remember.. I remember the joy that HE gave... and the joy that an enemy has tried to cover rises to the surface with unthinkable force, a blinding light after too much time wandering in darkness. I remember and it is clear again... HE IS HERE. HE SEES ME. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.

It's a long road adjusting the sudden reemergence of light, but its oh so beautiful... Joy.

Joy of remembrance.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Tonight is not every night...

2012-01-03T08:31:00.008-05:00

Tonight I rocked her to sleep, held her safe in my arms till her eyes finally closed.

Do all of the kids get this? No, with so many kids, there's no way for all to be rocked to sleep.

Does this happen every night? No

But tonight is not every night. Today was not every day.

It's hard to lose your best friend. Today was the first day without her A. She truly was J's A. They were a pair, belonging to each other. Never far from each other, knowing each other inside and out, knowing the other's thoughts. They arrived within weeks of each other, both tiny, frail and starved of life... and they healed and became whole again..together. They found new life together and learned to live together. They were always always together. Even the little things, like potty training and learning to walk... they did together. They were each other's constant.

As any best friend, she rejoiced with A yesterday playing with A's mommy and daddy. But now... the time of rejoicing with her friend is gone, as is her best friend of the last 2 1/2 years. Today I hear her mumbled words, telling me she misses her A. She's said goodbye to many friends over the last years, but this was not just any friend, this was her best friend, her other half.

While we rejoice with A and her beautiful and simply wonderful family, tonight we remember, tonight we hold each other because tonight both of our hearts are aching.

Tonight is not every night.

Tonight we hold dear the memories in our hearts:

~ To God Be the Glory!

Merry Christmas!!

2011-12-25T08:51:00.004-05:00

Merry Christmas!!!

Last year, we two, brought you bloggy world a Christmas pic greeting....this year, as I was remembering last year, I thought it'd be nice to give an updated Christmas pic!

(look who's walking and starting to even run!!!)

We love you all and wish you all a Very Merry CHRISTmas!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

A season of unfamiliar.

2011-12-23T05:52:00.003-05:00

The changing of seasons is always somewhat difficult.

Learning a new routine...yet still bonded to the routine of a time past.

The thrill of new with the ache for what has been.

The longing for the closeness that once was, but instead awaiting the days of goodbyes.

Anxiety trying to creep in about what the the new familiar might hold.

What used to be familiar gradually becoming the unfamiliar.

The changing of seasons is a season of unfamiliar, while waiting for the new familiar.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Speaking..

2011-12-10T05:32:00.003-05:00

Just sharing a quick interesting update of today...

Yesterday was a really wet day.. wet meaning there was pouring rain, and flooding in the streets...On my way home, I had walk a couple times through water over my ankles.. it was just wet and rainy all day.

This morning, it was sunny! I was getting ready to head out the door to school, and I saw my umbrella where I put it yesterday to dry out. Oh.. I need to grab that since it's been so rainy lately. I was about to be 'running late' and was thinking where did I put that little cover bag (you all know what I mean.. the little bag that goes with the umbrella). Well.. I quickly glanced around the room looking for it...

You won't need it.

Ummm...Lord?? Did I really just hear You say that? I could hear my Daddio's advice in the back of my head telling me to always be prepared, and never fall victim to ''poor planning''. So.. Lord.. don't you think maybe..

You won't need it.

Ok. That was enough for me...I left for school kinda puzzled.

You see, when I first came to the Philippines back in 2009, I had prayed that the Lord would allow me to hear His voice and give me wisdom in discerning His voice and His will for my life. In the year that followed, the Lord answered that prayer many times over. However, lately, I had been struggling with this again. Doubting what/who I was hearing, afraid I was hearing my own self and wanting to believe what I wanted to hear.

So, for several months now, a main prayer of mine has been "Lord, ... just whisper to me. Gently whisper to me, let me know Your voice again. Speak to me, let me hear You. "

On my way to school, I thought about what I had heard and kept thinking..Lord? I'm certain that was You... wasn't it You?

I got to school and sat with some friends inside for a little while before my one class. When we came out of that building to walk to the room where our class would be held, low and behold, it was pouring rain.

Umm... Lord??

I told you, you won't need it.

And.. in typical human fashion.. "Lord... it's raining now..." It was at that point that I realized.. the room to which I was walking to ... there was a covered sidewalk leading right to the door..."The rain is gonna stop isn't it God??" I felt like a little kid that was finally understanding a grown-up conversation...

You won't need it.

Later on, I walked out of the classroom to a parking lot with small puddles all over it.. but ... as I expected... IT WAS NOT RAINING.

I smiled to myself as I walked out the school gate.

The commute is nearly an hour, riding multiple trains and walking some more before I reach my final stretch of walking outside. The clouds were dark and cloudy, waiting to release when I stepped outside from the final train station.

"Lord... I need to run stop by the store real quick before I go home.. but it looks as if it'll start to rain..", me oh my... always in typical human fashion I am, worrying, as the thought, the Lord knows I need to go to the store, He knew this morning before I even looked for the umbrella, before I had even thought about stopping by the store on the train home.. He knew. "Ok, Lord, stopping by the store it is."

I came out of the store with dark clouds and carrying a full load of bags. . .

It NEVER RAINED... yet..

as I type this... the rain is pouring outside my window. I hear the stream of water coming from right above my window. And through it all.. I never needed my umbrella, just as HE said it would be.

It was about an umbrella, nothing major, nothing big or wonderful, but oh my wasn't it!!! I'm reminded of a skype date I was able to have with my parents last night. I hadn't realized how much I had been holding things in until I was given the opportunity just to speak with them.. what did I say?? Something big or important??? ... No. I spoke about school, about my professors, about my friends, about new people I had met that week, I spoke about things that really don't affect my parents at all, but just the act of speaking to them brings us so much closer. And... I know... that they don't mind that it's not huge important things, they just want to hear what I want to say.

That's what today was for me. I'm so tickled that He spoke and whispered so clearly to me. I'm so thrilled that He ALLOWED me to hear. I'm so thankful for Him repeating it.

Lord, Thank You! Thank You for whispering to me, even something so little, but it was You speaking to me!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

2011-12-06T05:22:00.001-05:00

Sorry to keep you all waiting.. an update will come soon.

A season of... really???

2011-11-15T05:37:00.003-05:00

I've felt God gently whispering here lately. Gently telling me what was next. He knew He must be gentle.. and He knew I wouldn't want to hear it.

In fact.. I wanted to SCREAM LALALALALALALALALALALA... I don't hear You Lord... What was that?? HALALALAHHAHAHAHALALALLALALALALALALAL...

.. you know how it goes. Fingers plugged in your ears screaming at the top of your lungs, making it practically impossible to hear anything and making it that way on purpose.

Because to be perfectly honest.. I did NOT want to hear what I was thinking I heard. I did not want it AT ALL. But still.. it was there ... that feeling... that whisper... THIS is what I have for you for now. THIS new season...

I know you are all wondering what this whisper was, some big change???? A change yes, but big.. no.

I have heard, have been convicted about my attitude of NOT wanting it, and finally have come to accept it, (Now.. I'm still not to the point of being THRILLED about it... ) but I feel the Lord calling me to a season of... me.

I know alot of people won't understand this.. I was one of those people at the beginning, but I believe those words are the exact words that HE placed on my heart. I was as I said earlier, completely against this at first. I fought and fought against it. It was completely selfish I thought. Never would I settle for a 'season of me' when there is still so much to be done, so much suffering. Instead I ached...(and believe me.. I STILL ache)... to open my heart and life to a little one. I had been counting down the months... and now I watch, a silent tear finding its way down my cheek, as that dream is put several years in the future... I accept, my heart literally breaking in my heart, that God has other plans for me. I fight the disgust that constantly tries to arise within me at this thought of this 'season of me'. And once again, I'm finding that the plan I had for my life... is far from what He has, and once again, I'm left not knowing what will happen.. again.. but this time, it seems a little more major. That feeling tries to come with more panic this time, more fear this time.

As part of this plan, the LORD was gracious and allowed me some time ago to inquire of and pass the entrance exam to Philippine Christian University, here in Manila. I am now in my second week there. I have classes 6 days a week and am working towards my BSW, Bachelor Degree in Social Work.

Does this mean ministry stops completely, absolutely not! The toddlers are usually my first stop when I come in the door. I will still be doing outreach at every opportunity, but that will mainly be limited to the weekends.

What this means is that for the time being, my life will again be one of homework, studying, research and quizzes.

What this means is that my heart breaks to just be away from them during the day, every day.

What this means is that I'm stepping back from alot of what used to be, and am stepping towards this new area of my life.

What this means is that I'm working towards something that will ultimately allow me to do further ministry and work for the LORD.

What this means is that... there is still a TON that God has in store for me during this time. Much of it has not been told to me yet, some has been whisphered, but for now, I'm learning the ropes for this new season.

A season I'm still trying not to resent. A season I'm still trying to embrace.

A season of me.

We opened the curtains that morning...

2011-11-02T00:45:00.006-04:00

I have struggled with whether or not to post this entry on my blog. This is such a private, extremely close to my heart story and part of me wanted to keep it all mine. But, it being so important to me, I knew I must share it, I must share her story, I must share the grace of God and His faithfulness that has been evident through all. You can learn more about Jellyn's story by visiting the Gentle Hands website or facebook page, where Ate C has written two posts about this precious little girl I came to love so much. Again, I pray that through all things, every word I speak, every touch I give, every blog I post.. may it ALL be to the glory of God! ~ To God Be the Glory

We had been up numerous times throughout the overall quiet night. And for some reason unbeknownst to me, the Lord inclined it upon my heart, to look to the curtain. I looked at the big windows that covered the length of the entire wall and then back to beautiful but tiny reason I was there in the room to begin with. Jellyn, as she lay in her hospital bed was staring at the curtains as well, tho she had never given them a glance before. I motioned and asked, in a language she wouldn't understand, "Do you want me to open them?" Catching my motions, she gave me raised eyebrows to indicate yes. So.. I pulled the curtains back and together we watched the sun come up over the big building next to the hospital. We watched, with the beating of the oxygen monitor in the background as color filled the sky.

We had been in the room exactly 1 week, learning how to communicate around our language barriers. She was broken, oh so broken. She had learned to rely on no one. She had a learned to wear a mask, a mask of a tough exterior, unaffected, but underneath.. oh so broken.

Once she knew that I wasn't going anywhere, that I wasn't going to harm her, she let the mask down. Underneath she was absolutely empty of love and affection. So, kisses were given in abundance, lotion mixed with love rubbed over limbs that had scarcely ever seen a gentle touch, the words that translated "I love you" were meaningfully whispered in her ear. In the moments when the pain was the worst, she would hold her arms up, longing to just be held. And so ... love was given, love was cherished, love was her's.

She had been struggling, but that afternoon the struggling took an intensifying turn. As I held her close, I saw it in her eyes, she was struggling and I felt it in my gut... it was too much. Knowing she wouldn't see the next morning, I tried to wrap my arms around her. Through her battle to breathe she uttered the words saying she wanted to be held, to sit in my lap.

I scooped her into my arms and we sat there for hours.

We sat, and we sang softly, one of the few tagalog songs I know. A song that talks of a Great and Good God, who loves us very much. We prayed. I told her that she didn't have to fight anymore if she didn't want to, that it was ok. I told her that she could go with Jesus and she wouldn't need to fight anymore. She looked at me, getting worse by the hour, and I uttered, it's ok. I kissed her cheeks for the millionth time. And then as her eyes wandered, she saw something, but it wasn't for everyone, it was just for her. With her gaze set, seeing something I was unable to see, I knew. I whispered to her... "You see Jesus don't you? It's ok... you can go. Go to Him" Soon after that, she closed her eyes and they remained.

Ate C arrived and we sat for hours in the quiet room as she went into a comatose state. Knowing the end result, we stayed just the same, we wouldn't leave her now.

We stayed by her side, my arm around her, both of us letting her know she was loved and once again, it was ok not to fight anymore. We told her it was ok to go to Jesus now.

And peacefully, she took her last breath.

I had struggled with why the Lord had not healed her.. had I not enough faith? had we done something wrong? But as we sat those last hours with her, the Lord showed me something... He had called her to Himself in Heaven the whole time, that part was never to change. I had been looking at this situation as if it were about us, it was not about us, it was about Jellyn.

Jellyn was going to heaven with or without us, but how would we want her to spend the last week of her life? How would we want her to pass? Scared, alone, unloved?

Instead the last week of her life was full of tenderness, prayer, hugs, kisses, a beautiful fluffy bear that was all her's, and all the love she wanted.

Ate C prayed with her one evening in the hospital, and Jellyn herself asked the Lord, "Lord help me, I'm having a really hard time."

Oh Sweet Jellyn, the Lord has heard your prayer, you will never again have a hard time, you will never again have to fight. You have found your peace in His arms!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Wrapping things up...

2011-10-20T23:45:00.002-04:00

I've spent the last 3 1/2 weeks back in my hometown in the USA. It's been a needed rest. However, in a few hours I'll be on my way again, back to the place God has called me, back to my home, as much of an earthly home as I'll ever have.

People always ask the same questions: Don't you wish you had more time? Are you sad to be leaving again?

And the answer is never as easily breathed as the question itself. For I've come to find that no matter where I go in this whole world, I will always be missing someone. I will never be 'still' and 'done'. There will never be a moment when I will have everything and will want to just stay there forever. That is not who God has called me to be. He has called me to follow Him and in that He has interwoven my heart with those in many different places, many different lands. As nice as this break was, it is just that, a break, a bit of relaxation. I don't go back to "get it out of my system" and I will never finally be "done".

And because this is what God has called me to and because He has become my passion...I have suitcases packed waiting by the door and tomorrow I will again be on my way.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I never was good at art...

2011-10-14T00:02:00.003-04:00

So, I read this post from my dear friend J just minutes ago... everything in this is exactly what God has been dealing with in my own life. I'm learning this lesson, but a month ago I was asking REALLY GOD?? I now know the answers to my questions that I have HAVE to trust Him. But this is a huge life changing decision in itself. J's words are so elegant and honest and bare and exactly .... real.

Read it HERE

A

2011-10-06T21:51:00.010-04:00

Oh A.... sweet little mr A... how I will miss ....

those raised eyebrows,

that hysterically unique imagination,

your adorably fake 'surprised' look,

your silly faces that make me laugh,

your brilliant creativity,

(your first time to build something other than a tower.. AIRPLANE!

and your first drawing.. other than scribbles.. SNAKE!! )

your sweet caring spirit,

those sad 'puppy dog' eyes you can give that melt my heart,

your contagious laughter,

your leadership,

your protective heart,

your beautiful friendships,

your love for life.

Oh, A, how I will miss our snuggly smiling pictures! God has such a wonderful plan for your life, He has delivered you to your family! I love you and through these tears, I'll be praying for you always.

~ To God Be the Glory!

2011-10-06T15:51:00.005-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, I'm just laying low for a little while.

I have taken some time to return to KY for a short but much needed break. Only 3 1/2 weeks, but God is doing much in my life, I'm refocusing on Him and catching my breath.

I'll be starting a new chapter in my life when I return and I'm desperately needing to process this last year and mentally and emotionally prepare for this next chapter. I know this is what is needed, but it's so hard to be away from those precious faces.

Here's a few pics of those faces I'm missing!!! :

.. and I am overwhelmed.

2011-09-19T19:32:00.004-04:00

Ok, so, it's been a while since I've really posted... like really. And part of that is... I was just not sure of what I wanted to say.. not sure of what I wanted people to see. I began feeling like everything that I wanted to share.. was all too much, too pessimistic for a public blog. I don't like to dwell on the negative, hard times, but all too often that's exactly what I do. I know you're supposed to 'be real' when blogging, and I have been completely real in the past, but lately I've felt a sudden urge and need to have 'my' emotions and 'my' feelings be all 'my own'. I can't exactly explain, but I wanted this privacy and I think that may have come with other emotions I was experiencing.

But for today... I want to be real again. To put my heart out there again and expose my life again. And know that even writing this... I contemplated several times just saving it to drafts and leaving it there. This is my heart.

For starters... let's just get this clear.. I have issues. But... come on, who are we kidding... don't we all have our issues?? (Or.. maybe I'm the only one, and that's ok.. but I highly doubt it.) One of those issues is a low self-image. And here lately I've really been dealing with intense loneliness feelings. I know.. in a house of so many people, how could you possibly feel lonely. But the feelings were there and they were very real.

I felt that I was just here, that the people that I had become intensely bonded to, did not feel in any way that same bonding back to me. I turned all of these negative feelings back on myself and blamed myself.

Someone else should be here doing this, they would all like someone different.

I too often just get in the way.

They will only ever see me as a foreigner, an outsider that they are waiting for to leave.

They are like family to me, but they will never see me that way.

But... I don't know anything else. I was called here, but what can I do? I can't keep putting these people that I love in misery. God, are you changing my direction?? I don't really feel it, but ... What are you doing?

About a week and a 1/2 ago, a man from the church I've went to many times shared something with me, "God is going to give you revelation, something is coming that will show you how much He loves you. You really are loved, and something is coming that will help to open your eyes to how much God loves you."

I went with that thinking, "OK.. God what are you going to do?" But the next day, I got some rather discouraging news...I was really broken-hearted and the only thought that came to my mind "Lord.. this is the opposite of what was supposed to be coming my way. Lord, I'm honestly coming and telling you Lord, I don't feel Your love in this at all. I will still praise you, but this is so very painful Lord, but I will praise You because You are God and Your ways are higher than mine."

I had made the decision long ago, that whatever came my way, I would always worship, WHATEVER came my way, even if it was the most painful thing, it was always right to worship. So, with a broken heart and tears, I worshipped. Fighting the urge to scream NO!, fighting the urge to be angry, fighting the urge to ... just give up.

I found so much comfort in Psalm 143, and that became my prayer.

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;

give ear to my pleas for mercy!

In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!

2 Enter not into judgement with your servant,

for no one living is righteous before you.

3 For the enemy has pursued my soul;

he has crushed my life to the ground;

he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.

4 Therefore my spirit faints within me;

my heart within me is appalled.

5 I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all that you have done;

I ponder the work of your hands.

6 I stretch out my hands to you;

my soul thirst for you like a parched land.

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD!

My spirit fails!

Hide not your face fom me,

lest I be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,

for in you I trust.

Make me know the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD!

I have fled to you for refuge!

10 Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God!

Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life!

In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!

12 And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,

and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,

for I am your servant.

Then, September 18, 2011 happened. For a week, this was my prayer, as I also had to prepare for this date. Here in the Ph*lippines, when one has a birthday, instead of getting things and be treated, that person gives to everyone and treats others. So, for my first filipino birthday, I wanted to do things culturally proper. I planned the party, the menu, asked for help, and invited all of GH and some friends for a birthday party this past sunday.

There was so much to prepare and get ready, I knew I needed help and lots. I was nervous asking people for help, but everyone was so gracious. The day before, people were already preparing. The day of, I was on my way to run and get some last minute things... and the kitchen was full. All of the boys, girls, ... everyone, downstairs cutting vegetables, cooking, some upstairs decorating, others sweeping and getting things so clean for the visitors that were coming.

I literally could not believe it... like literally. I am a very untrusting person (another one of my issues). I COULD NOT BELIEVE that they were all doing this.. in my horrendously untrustful mind, went the thoughts, 'I'm sure when the party starts, they'll all disappear.' So, I was so happy and touched, but also so very fearful at seeing this. "There's no way, they'll do ALL of this AND come to the party" I was so fearful of them becoming resentful at having to help do all of this.. I was so scared and skeptical of the smiles and laughter, I was sure it was a mask covering up the growing resentment inside.

Once back, getting closer to the time we were supposed to start, I hesitantly asked one of the guys, "Are you coming to the party?", thinking I needed to prepare myself, I needed to know that they were going to be 'too tired' and 'too busy' to come up. "Yes, I'll be there." was the response in an 'of-course' tone. "Oh... and...??" I named off other names... "Yes, they're coming too."

"Oh, ok" was the words that came out of my mouth, but the smile that spread across my face as I went back upstairs revealed the fact that it meant much more than 'ok'.

The party started... and I was NOTHING SHORT OF AMAZED!

I am still left breathless and speechless at the thought of the outpouring of love that I felt. There were songs and dances. The kids worked so hard on songs and dances...their beautiful smiles only made my own smile bigger.

My precious Z made a dance to my favorite song, and totally ROCKED it I must say! Even the older boys, (who I was certain most of whom wouldn't be there and most certainly didn't care enough to actually plan anything (yes.. I'm so sighing and kicking myself for my untrustingness and lack of faith in now) ) They all went up front smiling and sang one of my favorite songs.. complete with motions and multiple singers! They had me laughing the whole time, no doubt laughter spilling over from my heart, I was touched to the core.

I have often said 'You either laugh or you cry'.. I have always thought this to be in regards to the sad things in life... but now I know differently... this was the first time I HAD TO RESORT TO LAUGHTER TO KEEP FROM CRYING TEARS OF JOY!

After the songs and dances, several people spoke and wished me happy birthday and just truly spoke to my heart. I have NEVER been so touched in my life.

The last speech impacted me so much, that as everything quieted as they prayed over me, after singing Happy Birthday, laughter was no longer there to hold back the tears of joy that overwhelmed me. Thanks to precious visitor to GH, we have a video, as they are praying, you can see the tears rise to my eyes as I wipe them away quickly ( I had no idea there was a video going.. .but am thankful that it was there to capture the raw and bare moment).

Not in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined a more beautiful day (asides from having my KY family there also :) ).

It was so much, that I was on emotional overload and couldn't actually process it all, but I think Ate C really helped me to open my eyes with her text, 'Now maybe you can see how much we really do appreciate and love you'. When I read that text... I just stopped. And it clicked and tears rushed to my eyes again.

The words of the man from church came flooding my mind... I felt alone and the LORD saw that and HE LOVED me enough to open my eyes. The scripture Psalm 68:6a also came to mind, "He sets the lonely in families".

This is a scripture I've known for a long time, praying it over my kids here, but I never thought to ask God for that same sort of thing. I figured, I had a family and I left them when I came to the Philippines. If family was what I was mainly focused on, then I should go back to the US and forget the calling the LORD had placed on my heart. Why should I pray for what I already had on the other side of the world, but God knew.. God knew I was longing for some type of family structure here and He had given it to me, but my eyes were not open to it.. until this past sunday. I've caught myself this week, just smiling. Running errands, walking through the mall, and realizing.. I have a dumb huge grin on my face... because they love me!!!!! Running to the grocery store walking by the spices aisle smiling silly... because they love me!!!

And I keep telling myself it over and over.. because as I said..I have issues. And Satan is trying to use those issues to tell me it's not real... but now. Now I see...they love me! And so I keep trying to wrap my brain around it... and I keep walking around silly and smiling because I am still trying to grasp all that it is... they love me!

And to think... He loves me so much more!! He brought all of this about.. just to whisper both in the midst of the laughter and beautiful chaos and in the midst of the quiet prayers and tears... I love you even more my daughter.

... and I am overwhelmed.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Funny little lessons along the way...

2011-09-07T19:45:00.005-04:00

I know it's been way too long since my last post, nothing too big, but here are just a few little interesting lessons I'm learning along this journey.

~ Bathing extremely ticklish kids is extremely difficult.

~ It melts my heart when a certain little one has to get out of bed and come to me with arms open saying 'Kiss...' and then starts back only to come back within a few steps with... 'Oh... and hug. Hug..'. <3

~ The list of words that have had to be added to my predictive text dictionary on my phone is amusing. The words my phone never thought I would need that have been added included, among others: seizure, fecalasis, er, colostomy, dengue, hep-lock, intubation, nebulize, many medications and of course... Starbucks.

~ Listening to little ones start to grasp and use language is precious and gives me so much comic relief.

~ The absolute worst place to sit on a bus in Manila, the seat by the window directly behind the driver's seat (which is considerably lower than the rider's seat), allowing you to feel as if you are driving the huge bus in horrible traffic with no control.

~ 3 year olds give among the strongest hugs I've ever had.

~ Mango shakes should be a regular part of any diet.

~ I'm discovering how therapeutic sitting and throwing/dropping marbles down an empty closed stairwell can be, as well as a very good bonding experience.

More to come later if more come to mind. But that's about it for now.

~ To God Be the Glory!!

427

2011-08-12T21:03:00.003-04:00

427. It another world.

It's a totally different world, but it is a world that is always open.

It is always there, forever in my heart, constantly in my mind.

Watching my kids, I often think back to my life when I was their age. All the memories, all the laughter, all the tears, all the smiles, all the hugs. The traditions, the memories, they are the place that anchors my soul. Though I know from now on, I will have multiple homes, 427 will always be the home of my memory.

I was sent out from you with more love and support than I could have ever have imagined.

I know that in my life, no matter what I face, or where I go, 427 and all that is represents will always be there. Always it will have my back. Always I can return. Always I can find shelter and rest there. And ALWAYS love.

It's a fairytale land.. truly it is. I look around and see what my kids have had to go through, and 427 is a dream.

I hold them tight, and tell them they are loved.. because oh they are. I love them so very much and the huge amount of love that I have, this love I have for them, that overwhelms even myself, is nothing compared to the immense love that Jesus has for them. I teach them to pray and to talk to Jesus, because I know that if they will trust in Him, He will take care of them forever... He will go with them wherever..

427, God blesses me immensely when He blessed me with you, you have helped to mold me into the person I am today...and you are the reason that I can let mine go. I let them go because they need what I have. As much as it hurts, I've not been given the blessing to raise them, so I must let them go, so that they may find their own version of a '4-27' that God has planned for them. That they will have that forever shelter from the world. They need to go and make their own memories and bonds that will keep them going through this life, whatever God has for them.

427, you are the reason I can let them go.

~ To God Be the Glory!!

Thank you to my family, I know this journey has not been easy on you either. When God called me, I never knew how it would change all of us. So thankful for a family that has relied and trusted in our Heavenly Father every step of the way.

Lord Jesus

2011-08-10T00:24:00.002-04:00

The day is done, records are written, junior owies kissed all better, fights reconciled and forgiveness hugs given, bodies and bums all clean, little ones hugged, kissed and told they are loved and all are asleep...finally.

I sigh, take off the glasses that have shielded my tired hurting leaky sore eyes, my mind replays the day, once its all said and done, it seems there's no reason for the aches in my back or the drag of my eyes. I love them so much, so shouldn't it be easy to care for them? Shouldn't it be a joy? But then I think, it is a joy. It is a joy. It always has been. Then I hear him whisper, 'If it is a joy... then why are you so tired???? If it is a joy... then why on earth would you have ever even thought of losing your patience the way you did tonight....24398 different times???? If it is a joy.... you'd be a better momma to them, temporary or not...' I climb up into my top-bunk bed and I know as I climb and crawl... the LORD is not the only on that whispers.

"Lord Jesus" is my only utterance.

After uttering that precious names a few times, I'm reminded of another memory from today. Sitting with one of my new friends, Arnel, talking about how crazy it seems to get sometimes and how sometimes I feel like I just can't do it. He reminds my gently, 'Yes it is hard... but... what else? Where would these children be without Ate C and those here, like you, that love and work hard to take care of them? What would happend to them if not for this place? What would become of them then?'

And as I'm thinking and watching each child sit and eat their lunch, all being goofy, one trying to bicker with another, my thoughts become words, "That one, on the end, he wouldn't have lived, the infestation of worms combined with the 3rd degree malnutrition would have killed him. That one... well even the doctors said he wouldn't live or ever walk.. and he walked to lunch happy as could be today, that little one.. the TB would have taken her life" my thoughts continue in my head 'that one would have continued to be beaten so severely, eventually it would have killed him...'

"See..", Arnell's one words response means more than he knows.

There are days when my prayers... are only utterances. They are not long and elegant, not filled with pretty pauses but instead filled with gasps for breaths and utterance of the only hope I know "Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus.' There are hundreds of requests that I need to lay before the King, and I unload them... 'Lord Jesus.' My mind cannot be still or coherent enough to make the actual words, instead I offer the 'highlight reel' of my reality that is running through my mind, I let it go, with each exhale, with each release of my lungs. 'Lord Jesus, You see.' I release the pain, 'You feel.' I give away my insecurities, my fears, my dreams. I hand over my heart as I untangle my own fingers from the death grip they have on my biggest hopes, my deepest fear, my life goal, I give it to Him who knows already. Lord Jesus, who feels. Lord Jesus who sees. Lord Jesus who knows so much better than I do.

Oh Lord Jesus.

That's all I can utter.

I want him to live...

2011-07-21T16:59:00.005-04:00

The last few nights have probably wrecked my back, but that's not what is important. I'm thankful for at least the metal benches to sleep on as I think back...

On our way back from the beach and we get the call a baby has been born, down syndrome and other difficulties, requiring him to need surgery for a colostomy to be put in. We are informed he's a month old and had surgery yesterday and has now developed sepsis, blood poisoning. We are informed of the hospital at which he was taken to... and we know we must act.

We are still more than an hour away, but through multiple phones and sim swapping, we start making the communication amidst other crisis and we above all we start praying, finding that he's only 2 days old.. not a month. Praying that its not too late too act.

We get home with our team of short-termers and Ate goes to help with the hospital transfer, and I go pack my bag. I, along with Jordan, will be on night duty tonight. I pack quickly, trying to remember to my last hospital duty and what exactly to pack, extra clothes, toothbrush, deodorant, book, mp3, I think that's it, as I head out the door.. I see my bible.. yea I'll need that too.

We go ahead to the new hospital to welcome the mother and others involved. We can't offer much, but just a boost of encouragement and news of relief, we will take it from here... they can rest now. We're early and spend the time in odd light-heartedness, both knowing deep down, we have no clue what to really expect but that no matter what, God is God and this is what He's called us to do. So, we talk lightly and people watch, both innerly preparing for the task ahead.

The ambulance arrives and I'm captivated by this little boy.. this tiny little being... fighting to live. Surrounded by the safety and necessity of the incubator he's in, I can only see him but ...

I'm captivated. My prayers become more personal.

He is whisked into the NICU at once. We are informed that we cannot be with him at all, but there is a waiting room down the hall. We go into the tiny room, air con (a.c.) has made it feel more like an igloo, with its metal benches.

I read for a bit, my mind not so much on the words but on a little boy down the hall. Before long, I lay over, shaking from the cold and as the prayers keep running through my mind the events of the day catch up and eventually bits of sleep find me.

We are given semi-regular updates, the morning of Day 3, Jordan heads back to pack up her things and I find myself with the whole room to myself and I find myself thinking of a little boy. I walk the hallway that is now familiar to me and I see through the drawn blinds as they care for him. I'm thankful. In that moment, I'm just thankful as I watch the tender touches of the nurses as they change him and check him.

I can barely see through the thin fabric of the shades... and I see a tiny little arm go up in the air...and the thankfulness in my heart is immediately evident by the smile across my face.

The doctor comes out and gives me an update and at the end as she's walking away, I call out to ask, 'Is there any chance at all, they can raise the blinds so that I can just see him for a little bit.'

'Yes, of course, you just have to request it, wait I will tell them' are the words that keep the smile on my face.

The blinds are raised and I'm captivated even more. My hearts is consumed with love and prayer for this babe I have never met. I ask the Lord to send His angels to watch over him and to hold him when we cannot. I'm thankful for the clear casing of the incubator that allows me to see the little hand, as soon as I say amen,... the open hand closes as if grasping an unseen hand... I know the Lord has heard my prayers, I know the angels are holding him and singing softly to him.

And my heart continues to pray... I'm captivated and, blinking the tears away, I'm overwhelmed by this feeling... of wanting something so badly...

I want him to live.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Please be prayerful for this little one as he is fighting for his life, for wisdom for the doctors and nurses caring for him and also for the financial provision so that he can continue to get the care he so desperately needs. We have no budget at all to care for this little boy... we only know that God has brought him to us and we are to care for him and fight for him, we trust God to provide the rest. Please be prayerful how God might use you in helping save this little one's life.

the worst missionary...

2011-07-17T09:39:00.002-04:00

I'm really quite sure of it, I am the worst missionary ever. I don't actually like people... well.. I do I guess in a way, but more often than not, I don't.

I was taught growing up to be 'realistic', however, I've also learned along the way that most of the time reality is pretty negative... so in my attempts to be realistic, I'm labeled, and probably quite correctly I might add, a pessimist.

Another area, that I was blown away by tonight that makes me continue to state.. I'm the worst at doing this... I'm here to live out my faith, being obedient to what my God has called me to do.. but oh how much of this God I still cannot comprehend. I'm here wanting to give my life to sharing Him with the nations, when in all reality, I'm still trying to know Him more. (And please no comments about being obedient/faithful/any other praising me comments and no comments about the I know we all as Christians are constantly supposed to be seeking Him and knowing Him more...just bear with me, I'm using this to go in a slightly different direction.)

Tonight, we went to an evening service with the team of short-termers and we began to sing a song that I have never sang before and it described mainly one of the qualities of God.

Now before I say what this quality is.. I can say this, if someone were to ask me to describe God, there are many things I would say, but as we were singing, I realized.. this particular aspect of God would have never crossed my mind, I just don't see/think that way. I would say God is: sovereign, almighty, faithful, strong, worthy of all praise, compassionate.

The main chorus of the song:

You are Good

Jesus

How often do I simply overlook that God is GOOD?

The sermon went on to be about Luke 11:1-13, which talks about how to pray but towards the end of the text, Jesus talks about if we, as evil people know how to give our children good gifts, how much more so will our Heavenly Father.

Even though I've known the whole "God is Good", "All the time!", "All the time", "God is Good!" chant for years, but yet I've never saw or praised God as being simply good.

Needless to say, my mindset will be undergoing some changes.

Father LORD, thank you for being so GOOD!! Amen

~ To God Be the Glory!

BEACH TIME!!!

2011-07-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry for lack of posts lately. But here's some pics that I've been wanting share for a while.

Pics from several weeks ago... A team from my home church in KY came and we were able to take all my toddlers to the beach for the first time!!! So much fun!! They were a little nervous but all ended up in the water and LOVED it!!

On the way there... the kids did wonderful for the 3+ hour drive to the beach!!

But with so many toddlers, monsters, and team... space was scarce.

Everyone was assigned a specific child to watch.

THE FIRST TIME TO EVER SEE THE BEACH!!!

(This was the part where I could have cried...it was such an amazing experience for them and to see them taking it all in..)

Time to PLAY IN THE SAND!!!

Sorry.. but soon after these is when we started taking them out into the water and I don't have pictures of that. My mind was then completely focused on other matters. :)

Thank You LORD for allowing us this day to experience your good creation! Thank You LORD for Your protection and Your blessings this day.

~ To God Be the Glory!

At the end of my rope...

2011-07-09T11:56:00.005-04:00

It's nearly midnight... 4 minutes away to be exact. I'm laying down to sleep and talking to my Heavenly Father, and I find myself praying, Thank You LORD for this day. This wonderful day of rest... but LORD I realize that even on the days that are easy and refreshing that I'm always at the end of my rope, needing to rely constantly on You in the good and bad...

And at that point, I stopped and opened my laptop.

the end of my rope

The end of my rope.

I've heard that expression my whole life, we use it often, but.. what do it mean? What do we mean when we say we are at the end of our rope?

What does it mean to be at the end of my rope? Does it mean I've gone as far as I can go? Does it mean I have nothing left to give? Does it mean I can't do it any more?

I think so.

And I know, that tonight I'm making the decision:

I'm letting go of my rope completely.

Because I can't give anything more. I have nothing left to offer. Because I can't do it anymore... I'm letting go. Letting go of MY rope completely.

Here's to free-falling into the arms of GRACE!

Ya ready to jump with me???

~ To God Be the Glory!

2011-07-07T11:32:00.004-04:00

Elizabeth Elliot wrote about Satan trying to cause us to doubt... "I know of no more steadying hope on which to focus my mind when circumstances tempt me to wonder why God doesn't 'do something.' He is always doing something-the vey best thing, the thing we ourselves would certainly choose if we knew the end from the beginning. He is at work to bring us to our full glory."

I had someone tell me recently after God spoke this word to them, 'God has a plan for your life and it is the best, the very best.' These words came not days but hours after a specific journal entry/prayer. God was so clear in sending this person to tell me in an audible voice what I was stubbornly not trusting myself enough to hear for myself.

Yet, Satan does not give up.

As Christians, we are not called once and once alone, done forever after that initial choice to follow Christ. That choice is only the beginning of a life full of fighting, a life full of battle, a life of being watched. Fighting the never ending temptations that try to knock us down and far from God. Battling against Satan and his demons that are oh so real and oh so powerful, but God (such sweet words) is bigger and we as His children are called as warriors against the enemy. All of this while constantly being watched by those around us, seeking to see the difference, if any, that Christ has made in our lives.

Even when things are upside down. Even when I don't have the slightest clue as to what God is doing. Even when I don't know what to say or do next. I have to trust him. In the midst of the dark, I must trust that He sees the way.

~ To God Be the Glory!

2011-06-03T11:35:00.003-04:00

I planned and dreamed of you coming.

The first bit was just how I imagined.

But these last two days... were not.

You were strong and healthy, while my weakness forced me to be absent from your last two days.

Absent apart from the constant trips to the CR.

The knowing you were leaving, the guilt only paralyzed me more.

I'm so sorry, but I know... the guilt is all misplaced.

It was not of my doing.

But I always find ways to carry responsibility... even when it's not mine to bear.

So tonight, as you rest up for your long journey tomorrow,

I will start my coping process of writing...

For those reading

I know my words don't rhyme or flow like a pretty little nursery book.

I know they often don't leave behind the feelings of butterflies and roses.

I know my words don't rhyme, but they are just that... my words.

They match something else of mine.. my life.

My life doesn't always rhyme, or sound nice.

It very rarely flows.

For the outsider looking in... it does not speak volumes of butterflies and roses.

But to me... it is simply my life.

This is what God has called me to, this is where He sent.

As crazy and lacking in roses as it is, there is nothing and nowhere else I'd rather do and be than right here.

Yes, there are days when I am sad. Yes, there are days when I'm mad. But through it all, down very very deep, there is joy. Joy because I know that I'm doing exactly what I was put on this earth to do.

Joy because in my weakness, He is strong.

Joy because in my weakness, I see all that there is for Him to teach me.

Joy because whatever my circumstance, I know that He is still God and He is still in control!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Preciously Blessed.

2011-06-01T11:38:00.003-04:00

Dinner night with Momma and Daddio... wonderful.

Grocery shopping with Momma and Daddio...splendid.

Walking through Malabon with Momma and Daddio...treasured.

Jeep'ing to church with Momma and Daddio...joyful.

Swimming with Momma and Daddio... and a team of 7 more ... and 6 toddlers... beautiful.

So thankful for this precious week!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Today is a good day.

2011-05-26T22:01:00.002-04:00

Today is a good day for me.

Which brings me to believe, with there being as many people on this Earth as it is, today is all sorts of different days for all sorts of different people. And everyday is a good day for someone.

Today is a good day for me, it is confirmed, my parents are currently thousands of miles above the ground on their journey to the Philippines, with 7 others. The day fills me with excitement.

But I wonder... what does this day fill others with. Maybe somewhere today someone's life is filled with tears as they learn of the loss of a loved one. What about the parent in the US that is wondering where their child is amidst the wreckage left behind by a tornado?

What about the heart that is full of bittersweet emotions as a wife awaits the return of her husband deployed overseas? One day closer to being reunited with her love, but still months away.

What about the heart that is unable to breathe, after being informed that they have only months left on this earth due to a silent deadly disease?

What about the mother somewhere in this world that is giving up her baby for adoption today so that it can have a chance to live?

What about the little boy I held in my arms this morning showing him pictures of a family that loves him and is coming for him?

There are so many hearts in this world and so much pain and happiness, both to be experienced in this world.

In every circumstance, the correct response is always worship.

Today is a good day for me, filled with upcoming happiness. It's easy to be thankful today. It's harder when I'm sitting in a camp full of strangers, and I get the news that another precious little one has gone to be with Jesus. But.. the reaction is the same. I must as a Christian worship Him who brings all things.

Today is a good day!

~ To God Be the Glory!

I wonder...

2011-05-06T20:18:00.007-04:00

Every time I look into my precious little girl's face, I see God. I see the way He rescued her. How He delivered her into the hands of Ate C. How He saved her very life.

I see the miracle that she is to be running and laughing with that sweet voice t

hat is the sweetest music to my ears.

I remember praying so very fervently for her one remaining sibling, after 2 unnecessary deaths, I prayed that a third and final sibling would not follow suit.

Now... I see a similar miracle in his eyes. One of my most recent treasures. I see the same hand of the same Mighty Sovereign Creator Savior that I serve in his life.

But that's not the only similarity.

I see the similar sweet smile.

I hear that similar sweet laughter.

I note the similarity in his precious voice.

Reason would say there's no way they can know. No way they can remember... but how is it, that they are drawn to each other.

No I don't believe they fully grasp, but I do believe there is something there. Something that draws them to each other.

I wonder... does he remember that starving little baby that was taken away from his house nearly 2 years ago?

I wonder... does she ever think about that kuya she used to know so long ago?

I wonder... does she know this isn't the first time she has seen 'her new friend'?

But for now.. my mind wonders and I leave it at simply that. The wonderings are not important right now. Right now is the time for hugs that hold him tight, for kisses that have healing power over 'ow-ies'; now is the time for a little one to finally know what it means to be safe, to be fed, to be cared for; now is the time for the words 'I love you' to be heard for the first time by precious ears.

Now is the time to do what God has called me to do, and love, love with all my heart, love this little one who has never known it before, love as He loved me.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Though this little one is out of physical danger, we ask for your continued prayers as healing for all this little one has been through will quite possibly take years. They are safe and fed, but there is still much our little one carries on the inside, that only the love of Christ can heal.

Penatensya.

2011-04-23T05:56:00.004-04:00

I look into their eyes...trying to see.. do they really feel this is necessary.

I watch as they walk the street with masks, shirts, bags, anything that covers their faces.

I watch as some fumble to lift their masks to puff on their cigarettes.. others you can see the way they walk... they have chosen another to get them through this march... the signs of substance abuse highs cling to them as the red clings to their strips of clothing.

Yet others walk simply and determined. Each swing carries force, steady. No words come from their mouths, no shouts or buzzed laughters. They don't look to their barkada to egg them on... the simply walk straight ahead, they march alone.

These are the ones that cause me to wonder the most. They are not here for a group challenge, they are not here to prove how tough and manly they are, they are not here for a challenge or show... they are serious. They believe they need to do this as a part of Christ's price that was paid. They believe in doing this they are showing their devotion.

Do they truly believe this is necessary?

I watch as they sling the sticks to their backs, those next to me jump when they get bloody water slung their way. I slowly wipe one of my Bethia sister's arms, as she looks shocked at the drop of red.

They keep coming, hundreds, all masked, all with sticks tied to a rope that they sling over and over to their back. The blood runs and is washed, with water being thrown on the participants, into the streets.

The children run between the men... in the streets wet with the bloody water.

This is the Penatensya, a Catholic tradition here in the Philippines.

"We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." - Romans 6:9-11

~ To God Be the Glory!

A new step..

2011-04-12T19:32:00.005-04:00

Here I am this morning.. in my.. no our new room. Within a week, we suddenly have a girls group. 5 girls living in the room that was pretty cozy with just the three of us wasn't working out.. so we all moved around. Guys moved to the other end of the hall, we moved next door to their room.. and after waking up and getting an early start yesterday, working till dinner, then right after dinner heading out to pick up some final things for the room.. we are settled this morning. I have to admit, I was a little.. ok .. completely stressed out about moving, and though the new room is bigger, it had less storage space/shelves etc. So, I was just about to lost it when Eddy brought in a book shelf (about 6 or 7 shelves) .. OH YES!! We were looking at where to put it.. and I caught his eye, looking at the shelves then up to the space above my bed (my top-bunk bed might I add)... 'You're not really... are you??' Then I saw it, the look in his eyes, that does NOT say 'No I'm only joking' but the look that says 'Yes, I'm actually serious abut this crazy idea'. My response, 'oooh....oook.' But.. I pointed out.. the shelf is really tall.. and its a bunk bed.. that's not going to work. But, I should have known, there was a solution... my bed is wonderful and 1/2 the book shelf above the head of my bed and the other 1/2 at the wall at the foot of my bed... yes.. the solution.. simply cut the shelf in 1/2. It shortens it.. and makes more storage in 2 different areas. I have to admit I was a little skeptical, though I trusted in what the the 2 kuyas were doing...but in the end.. I love it!

Monday night, we began our nightly girls' devotions. I'm so excited to see what God is going to do, He is definitely up to something... one of those things is He's calling me forward to be a leader. Something that at first scared the heck out of me.. but an excellent case of when He calls you to something, He will prepare you for that. He has been simply using my mouth to speak, we start devotions and I only know a little about where it will go, but God takes over and it is wonderful!! He is teaching me so much, as I have so much to learn in this area.

The second thing He is teaching me.. is faith... FAITH. I'm not talking about 'Oh yea, I have faith, I believe in Jesus' I'm talking about 'Hey mountain MOVE' faith that will pick up a mountain and MOVE it. I'm talking about the kind of FAITH with which NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE. I'm talking about the radical crazy sometimes scary faith that we are all called to, but so so so few of us actually live out.

Do I have that faith?? Quick answer... I'm getting there. I'm not going to say I don't.. I won't speak that into being.. but I'm also not going to say I'm so proud of my faith... because I'm not there yet either, but I am starting down a new road, a road of trusting GOD with EVERYTHING. Not only in words, but in actions. Living in a way that if God doesn't come through... WE ARE IN TROUBLE! Living in a way that we rely on GOD every step of the way just to live!

I've been reading in my quiet time on faith, and the other day God brought me to Matthew. I was reading in Matthew 17 and it talks of when Jesus called out the demons in the boy, who was originally brought to the disciples, but they could not heal him. When they later asked why, His response in verse 20 was, "Because of your little faith. For truly I say to you, if you faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you'."

DID YOU CATCH THAT!??!?!

Jesus told us, that with just this little bit of faith NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU! In the notes in my bible, it added that sometimes verse 21 is included in some transcripts with ''But this kind never comes out except by prayer and fasting". We pray in faith, but fasting is also our petition to Christ. We won't fast, if we don't expect God to see it and act. We fast in FAITH, just as we pray.

So, I was reading on... and Matthew 18, and in verse 19 Jesus says this, "Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."

WOW!! ANYTHING they ask!!

That means Christians... let's pray! And not just mumble a few words in hope.. but pray boldly in FAITH asking our God and FATHER to answer and MOVE! Let's ask Him to move.

Currently at GH, we are praying boldly for God to move and build this building. We are in the final stages of our building project, but have hit some obstacles financially... so what are we doing. We are praying in faith, trusting that God will see to completion what HE started and in the time that it needs to be done, so that the teams coming soon will be in the new building. To most people who see the building.. that is CRAZY! But... we are moving forward in FAITH, no back up plans, just FAITH!

Please join us in praying in faith that GOD would build this building and have it completed by the time the first team comes.

But.. Christians, let's not stop there. Think of all the mountains that God would move if we all joined together in bold radical prayers of FAITH! What if.. just what if... we all joined together in BOLD RADICAL prayers of FAITH... for the orphan???

OH. MY. Can you imagine the mountains that God would move... Christians, I'm taking this next line from another blogger friend, Linny, God's heart is for the orphan. He wants to and will move. But some things require prayer and fasting. again... BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER!!

What if we joined together in BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER for... food for the poor???

What if we joined together in BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER for... healing???

What if we joined together in BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER for... the lost???

Oh Christians, the time for mumbling a few half-hearted words is over! We are called to faith, so let us join together in this new time of BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER.

LET'S WATCH GOD MOVE MOUNTAINS!!

Get ready.. it's going to be AWESOME!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!!

the WOW'ingest day yet...

2011-04-10T11:03:00.003-04:00

Ok, so today one of the WOW'ingest things ever happened to me today ... yes I just made up a word.. WOW'ingest should so be a word anyway.. not sure why no one else has realized this yet, but that's a story for another day.

There are some visitors, a group of m*litary that are in PI for the time, that have been coming and visiting regularly for a few weeks now. Of this group is their chaplain. Today, the chaplain and two others surprised me and dropped by for a quick visit, which ended up lasting a couple hours. Unfortunately Ate and our big kids and our monsters were all out swimming, but they were totally fine with that, as there were still plenty of other kids, toddlers, and babies to go around.

Now, is where I get to the 'good stuff' that makes this the WOW'ingest day yet...the chaplain started speaking to me, and he just started speaking and bringing up things... the exact things that LORD has been speaking to me about and really hammering down for the last month! The exact things, not even kidding! I was shell shocked to say the least, my mind was reeling... I'm talking the exact wording that the LORD spoke to me was coming out of this man's mouth! I knew God was clearly using this man to make His point perfectly clear. And, it wasn't just one topic, but all the topics the LORD is currently dealing with me on. I commented, 'Wow, you're speaking on all the things God is dealing with me on, I really needed to hear this.' His response, 'I know.. The LORD showed me your heart before and told me what to say'.

I won't go into detail about what all was said, because there are things that God is still revealing to me and much that I'm still processing, but WOW.. isn't God AMAZING!! There are changes in store for my life, but I'm so excited, for I'm starting a phase of my life..

My apologies as this post might be a little scattered, but I just had to share how the LORD made today just the WOW'ingest day yet!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

today

2011-04-04T10:32:00.002-04:00

Ok.. so wow.. where to start... my heart has had fights today. I've had to stand my ground and be firm, but my heart has also been melted today. But my heart has also been struck today. Stubbornness. Warmth. Pain. Three drastically different emotions.. make for an interesting day...

During my shift, I had one of those epic 'Battles of the Wills' with M. Thankfully, A, an older child, was helping me out, so that I could focus on the 'battle' at hand. I'm glad to say that by the end of the night, we did end on a good note, but... a battle is still a battle, and in the midst of it.. it is long and you have to put your gameface on. Stubbornness.

My battle was however interrupted quite a few times, twice being pretty big incidents... regarding Rona. Poor sneaky, stubborn thing...needless to say, she ended up in a heap of trouble. So later, at bedtime, the lights are out, the night lights are on and I crawl into Rona's bed and lay beside her to get her temperature and I can feel the stubbornness still there, as I'm prepared to meet a mad little hornet, instead two of the sweetest eyes, look deep into mine and with a sigh and slowed intention speech, I'm met with a

"I love you Ate Bitnay"

I melt. Warmth.

I whisper back to her that I love her so very much as well, as she gives me one of those sweet kisses that are worth so much more than any amount of money.

I'm singing to them a little later, waiting for them to finally settle from an unusually hyper night, and just as the chatter is dying down, I hear a high-pitched little voice, " Hello guys!! Hello guys!!" over and over.. none other than the usually "I'm-not-going-to-say-actual-words" Abegail, with the pillow over her head, squealing greetings to her friends... ok Abegail.. it's time to sleep now. Then.. a little later.. "Ow...Ow...Ow. Ow. Ow." My head whips up... only to see Jonalyn playing with her eyelids via her eyelashes...seeing how far she can pull them out... (I'm actually giggling remembering tonight)

Then... the pain... came in realizations at the end of the day, when I was able to reflect on the day. Some things, that I can't go into detail at this time, came about today, that will drastically affect those that I love here. With that being said, as always, we appreciate your prayers! Please don't stop! We know our God is able to move mountains, let's ask Him to move!

~ To God Be the Glory!

I feel it within me... changing. Preparing.

2011-03-26T09:27:00.003-04:00

I have heard from afar of the injustices of this world.

Now I find myself walking in the midst.

I feel that within me changing.. preparing..

Unimaginable what a soldier walking to war feels like...

I wonder if its anything like what I feel now.

For, I know that my life is to be a constant battle of spiritual warfare . . .

but now I think we walk straight at it from a new angle, new to us anyway.

We are forming our own front lines of this war.

I can feel my heart changing, preparing.

I'm asking all that read my blog to pray. Pray, without knowing the details, pray.

I cannot go into details but I can tell you this, we need prayer. We need guidance. We need God to move mountains.

So, again, without knowing details, please bombard the gates of heaven with your prayers, with your pleas, with your cries.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Pray

2011-03-25T16:57:00.003-04:00

http://oureyesopened.blogspot.com/2011/03/kirills-story.html

Please pray for this family! Ask our God to do what only He is capable of.. to move mountains!

~ To God Be the Glory!

I'm in love. . . (x 8+)

2011-03-21T10:10:00.006-04:00

It's been a long day, I say that because I'm exhausted, but when I think about it, it's not been that long of a day, not a difficult day at all. But for some reason, bedtime of all things always wears me out. But it's been a good day.

I head upstairs, nearly an hour after my shift has ended, to get something for dinner, everyone else is getting ready for bed.

I sit at the lonely table on the third floor, letting my mind relax and wander... and then I hear it.

That cry. I know that cry. That is the cry of Jonalyn. It's the scared cry.

I drop my spoon and take off for downstairs, because... that's my baby crying. As I get closer, my ears simply confirm what my eyes are about to tell me, it's Jonalyn crying. Not Jefferson, his cry is different, not Rona, her cry is different than the others also, it's not August, not Abegail, not Mervil, not Grace.. all of them have their own cries, and I know each of my babies cries.. this is Jonalyn.

I open the door and there she is, Emil who is on night duty, is caught off guard, she's just crying he tells me.

But I know. I know what is wrong. She probably had a bad dream... she has more than enough of a past to haunt her in her sleep. Then she woke up to her Kuya Emil,... and then (this part hit me as I calmed her down).. she didn't want her Kuya... she wanted me, the one that put her to sleep tonight, the one that kissed her and put her down to bed... and then down to bed again after she had to go potty.. and then again after another potty run after her drink of water.

I scooped her up and her arm formed a death grip around my neck, her scared sobs softened as she tried to get her breath back, as the words "It's ok.. I'm here, Momma's here..." fell out of my mouth. I caught myself, for I never wanted to call myself Momma in front of them.. but the truth is, that's exactly where my heart is. That's what my Momma would say to me when I needed her when I was young and scared in the middle of the night, knowing that Momma was there.. that's what I wanted, that's what I needed to hear. That's the same thing my baby needed to hear tonight. I may not be her "Mommy", that title is for the special blessed woman that will be her official mother, but for now, until God brings that to pass... I will be here, loving her with every ounce that I have. I will run to her in the middle of the night when I hear her crying, I will sit with her when she's having fevral seizures when her fever spikes (which Jonalyn has had), I will teach her to sing her ABC's, I will sing to her that Jesus loves her, and that I love her... and if the time comes.. I will say goodbye and my heart will break into a thousand pieces as I hand her off to someone else.

I laid down beside her after she had calmed down and she drifted off to sleep laying on her side, one arm around her sippy cup.. one arm around my neck.

~ To God Be the Glory!

the next step...oi!

2011-03-15T09:36:00.003-04:00

This has been my schedule...

Last week.

Trip to take Rommel and August to ear doctor, wait about 5 minutes for a taxi there and then about the same for a taxi back. (5 minutes.. is NOTHING compared to over an hour.. which is what I've waited before)

Thursday

Trip to take Rommel for a hearing test, w/ Rona tagging along for the socialization - jeep to and from

Friday

Trip to take August for hearing test - taxi to and from... then the same day back to the same offices again... another taxi back and forth. (much more waiting on this day for taxis)

Saturday

Trip to take Lex for developmental assessment - taxi there and back.

Trip to go grab some dinner with Lien, our current visitor/short termer at GH. - taxi there and back.

Sunday

Trip to church, with August - because of the long long walks there and back, I take taxi. He can't walk that far and I can't carry him that far.

Meet Lien at nearby mall to complete some errands for Ate - Jeep there and we all take jeep home. (about a 10 minutes wait for the right jeep to come along)

Trip out to Sta. Lucia Mall (a bit farther than the normal jeep rides) to get picked up by a family I'm babysitting for on Monday - Jeep (got home by catching rides to Faith Academy and then home with Ate who was picking up her kids)

Tuesday

Trip to developmental assessment with 4 toddlers and visitor - taxi there and back

I don't give this schedule recap to show everyone how busy I am... this is actually nothing. But...to shine light on a new investment I'm looking into... that of a vehicle. While yes, a vehicle does cost quite a bit of money, I think that the convenience factor, the saving of being ripped off by taxis, and time saving factors are worth the investment, not to mention the safety factor. As you may have guessed, taxis do not come with optional car-seats... which is another aspect that I will be exploring. As I look forward to filling a back seat with car seats... even though you can't buy car-seats in the Philippines.

Currently I may have some contacts working on getting me a few carseats shipped to me.. if that works out, the next step.. or actually the step before that would be a vehicle. With rainy seasons and frequent floodings in some areas, an SUV is a must, as it also allows for more room for car-seats. I'm very excited about this next step... but at the same time it seems a little overwhelming, as a vehicle is not by any means a small purchase. But I'm resting confidently that the Lord will provide, He has been so faithful thus far.

Another step that has come about recently, is that within the next two months I will have the opportunity to travel to Australia with Ate to speak about Gentle Hands and raise awareness about the injustices and life that the children in the Philippines, the people of Malabon, the people of the Philippines face daily and how Gentle Hands is on the front lines fighting for the rights and lives of these beautiful children and people.

These are two more areas needing prayer in my life, if you are joining me in prayer along this journey. Thank you to all of those precious people and families who have been so generous in joining me in this journey by continually praying and supporting me! God has used you in mighty ways!! Your prayers have sustained me during the tough days! Thank You!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Pray NOW.

2011-03-11T05:40:00.004-05:00

I'm posting.. asking.. begging.. calling all Christians to prayer for those that have been, are going to be and are being right now battered by tsunamis. 500 mph, 33 ft high.. for 2 hours. Over 20 countries with tsunami warnings.

Pray.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Tomorrow is a new day.

2011-03-07T10:22:00.004-05:00

Today has been an emotional day, a wonderful morning, but an emotional day none the less..my heart and mind are a scattered mess... I've not yet discovered if it is better to wait until I'm more innerly sorted or to simply post what is on my heart right in the midst of the mess... here is the mess...

I am not superwoman.

The longer I am in this environment in which it is essential that I have some control over my emotions... the worse I get.. and the smaller control I have.

I'm fine, then out of nowhere, I can't breathe and the tears come up quick and there's no stopping it.

I hate this.

I hate this aspect of myself.

Finding the fine line, in having to suck it up and 'to do what I have to do' and yet, allowing myself to feel these emotions and letting others see me be vulnerable... the line is all but invisible. Is it there??

To find the line between letting others see.. but only the right others ... and sucking it up in front of the 'other' others...when I don't want anyone to see...at all... that I'm finding is impossible.

"It gets better with time".. I have found that to be a lie. I was much better at this before... with time I have simply less and less control.

Tonight.. simply put, I'm a mess. But... it is during this time that I am reminded.. the night won't last forever... surely it won't. As dark as it feels right now, with so many things going on in my life, the morning is on its way, and praise the Lord His mercies are new every morning!

Tomorrow is a new day.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I will worship.

2011-03-06T11:00:00.002-05:00

Always smiling... even at bedtime.. especially at bedtime.. when that little boy is supposed to be sleeping. But no.. Rammy is giggling from his bed. I wonder what he's thinking about to make him laugh so much.. maybe the simple fact that he's supposed to be sleeping right now is what has him shrieking with giggles.

I give him yet another.."Rammy.. it's time to sleep now.. You need to lay down and sleep." And eventually he settles, with his green knit blankie either curled up under his arm, or draped over the side of his head, as if warming his ear.

My chest hurts with the weight of my heart simply sifting through the many memories in my head to write this post.

I've known him since my beginning at GH. I remember when I first met him.. he was not yet walking.. now he runs, shaky.. but he runs! We put in his case study that he was nonverbal.. and he was. Never a word, he had his own jibber-jabber as all the toddlers do.. but no actual words. So we began sign language with all the toddlers. Then about two weeks ago.. we are leaving the barber shop after he was brave boy and got his hair cut and I said ' tell Kuya, bye and thank you' ... My mouth fell open as everyone in the barber shop heard and saw Rammy sign AND SPEAK "Bye-bye, Thank You!"!!!!!

A couple days later sign and word "Baby" while pointing to his beloved baby doll!!! The baby doll that is so worn.. the biggest testimony to how much he loves it! A testimony to its incredible value!

December 2009, "We really need to start praying for God to raise up families for Kim and Rammy. If we can find the families, we can find anyone families". Ate C made this comment to me in December 2009, knowing that it would be extremely difficult to find families for these two precious treasures, due to their special needs. I started that very day praying boldly in faith asking God to raise up those families and bring them.

The first part of the prayer was answered in November 2010 when Kimberly went home with her forever family.

The second part, regarding Rammy,... will be answered this week!

Oh God is good!!

My wise father once (many times) said, "When we pray to God for something, we can't be upset when he makes it happen" (Not sure those are the exact words, but definately the jist of it).

I prayed for Rammy's family, and now that God has looked upon my request with favor...I will rejoice. I will worship. I will be happy even as the tears roll down my face.

Praise God... another hard goodbye yet.. I will worship.

This is the life I am called to, it is hard, it is FULL of tears and trials, some say depressed, but I am privelaged that the Lord has called me to this task. In all situations, I will worship.

~ To God Be the Glory!

waiting...

2011-03-04T11:02:00.002-05:00

I keep thinking for something I need to post on my blog, searching for a message to tell... and

nothing.

Nothing.

It's quite a weird feeling.

So.. for now I'm waiting.

Big things are coming.. but until then.. its as if I'm just holding my breath.. waiting.

~ To God Be the Glory!

"You're finally free baby.. fly to Jesus" ... 1 year later

2011-02-27T18:52:00.006-05:00

"You're finally free baby...fly to Jesus."

Staring at the blank "New Post" page... oh what to put...

I spent last week in a dream land, beautiful beaches, unbelievable beauty.

Now I am at the start of a new week.

The week starts.. with today.

It was a year ago that I said those words. After waiting hours, days, weeks... the time finally came to say those words, to say my final goodbye to my baby.

When I said those words.. you were already there.. I didn't need to say any of it.. but for my own sake, I did.

If I were poetic, I'd put a wonderful poem up here.

If bold, I'd write a wonderful song.

If artistic, a beautiful drawing.

But I am none of these things, I'm simply the one who was to be your mommy. I am simply the one whose heart is full of love for you my daughter. I am simply the one blessed enough to call you mine. I am simply the one who has cried over and over for my selfish loss.

I am simply your mommy that loves you more than anyone else on this earth.

You Pamela give me motivation to keep loving... to dig deeper for the extra love in my heart... to keep going. Because I know in my heart, that there are more just like you baby, there are more little ones alone... waiting...

I love you so much Pamela Santos... I've seen it.. I've seen the day when the LORD will place you in my arms again... dreaming of that day as Jesus takes us both into His arms and we will worship Him forever more!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Life and Death

2011-02-15T08:10:00.006-05:00

I've said it before I'll say it again... the life I live now is life and death. Life and death every day. Yesterday, on Valentine's Day, I posted early how I was remembering this time last year as my dear Pamela started down the road to Heaven.

As I was posting, I knew another one of our precious little ones at GH, Christian, was about to turn that same corner. I was also told that yesterday afternoon, I would be needed to go and pick up a new baby from a hospital.

I went, and while I was bringing this new little one home, Christian, made his way to his heavenly home with Jesus.

While we grieve our loss of his life, we rejoice.. oh we rejoice.. that Christian is no longer in any pain, he is finally free, free to run and jump and play in Heaven! He is FREE!!

While we still feel all these emotions, we will carry on.. for there are more just like Christian. More waiting to feel love for the first time in their life. More waiting to know what it means to be held, to be loved, to be cherrished, to be safe, to be full, to be at peace. More just like the precious baby boy I brought home yesterday.

~ To God Be the Glory!

A year ago..

2011-02-14T00:08:00.000-05:00

Whenever I think this life is getting tough, whenever I feel like its really wearing on me.. I remember.. a year ago today. A year ago today I got the dreaded text, "Hurry up!". I ran home from the hospital, praying with my whole heart for you to hold on.. and hold on you did... You clung to life with all that you had, astonishing us all... you fought with all that you had.

Life seems so easy now. Caring for 9 lives. Potty training 9 toddlers at once, dealing with 9 "Terrible Two's"... it all seems so easy..... compared to this time last year. I don't know how I lived through this time last year..but God brought me through it.

I woke that morning thinking.. I'm spending Valentine's Day in the hospital with a dehydrated baby...the day ended with me laying by your side, holding your cold little hand in one hand.. the other hand over your heart.. waiting for the last beat.

But that was not the time.. that was only the beginning of your final journey to heaven.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Lessons about myself... and life.

2011-02-09T19:21:00.004-05:00

Often times things happen and I adapt and persevere simply to get through them... but I often don't take the time to sit and think.. God what are you teaching me out of this? What do I take from this? Is there something I need to change??

So here I am... looking back on myself... trying to .... actually I don't really know what I'm trying to do... but these are the lessons I'm learning about myself and some of the unique lessons God is teaching me in current environment.

~ I am convinced that I am the most selfish person on the planet.

~ My emotions come in 2's now adays...Happy.. I'm giddy, open...Saddness.. I close up, I build my walls up, I get mad and I get closed quick.

~ I'm trying desperately to understand the ways of God in my life .. but to no avail.

~ I've already been given life, to ask for anything more for myself is selfishness.

~ I stretch the truth/fib on a daily basis... the How are you? question is almost always grounds for an easy and simple "ok"... simple is a hard concept for me to grasp these days.

~ My ministry to children, I believe benefits me more than them on most days.

~ 1/2 the people I meet.. I'm scared to death of them getting the wrong impression of me. The other 1/2.. I truly don't care... there's not much in between.

~ Folding and putting away the laundry of my toddlers is one of the most gratifying jobs there is.

~ My greatest heros are the missionaries from ages past, the ones that travelled to the unknown to live, without first trying it out, visiting and without the safety net/comfort of fbook connecting them to the familiar. I'm not worthy to be considered in the same category as them.

~ I'm a person that God has called to missions... though I don't actually like people in general. I don't know how to act around people. Give me the close circle of people I trust, and that's all... meeting new people is actually scary for me.

~ I break all the molds that I was taught... I love skirts and ball shorts. I like colors and I love black. I like looking fashionable, but I will intentionally not buy something if everyone has it. I feel old-fashioned and edgy at the same time. I love sparkly shiny things, and I love bumming around the house in ball shorts and ponytail. I have attitude but am extremely submissive.

~ If I don't keep myself in check... I am the most horrendously jealous person on earth.

~ Never underestimate the power of a simple hug to turn around someones day / week / month.

~ Always remove rings before holding the hand of a woman in labor.

~ Blogging is very complex for me, I try to tell my story, but at the same time, letting people in and letting people see scares me some, not in a physical sense at all, but on an emotional insecurity level.

~ A toddler's biggest weapon, when out in public, is the word "CR" (meaning, .. they have to use the restroom).

~ For children and children only, I can pretty much lose all dignity and am a complete clown.

~ Sunshine is therapeutic.

~ Once my mind is made up or once God reveals the next step of His plan.. patience is no longer my friend. I want to move and go for it!

~ Memories and pictures are a great comfort to me.

~ A recent visitor made me aware of just how often I 'space out' and escape into my head...an obvious return of childhood ADD.

~ I'm left speechless when I think how my life has changed in just a few years.

I'll keep adding to it over time, so check back.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I knew her face...but that was all.

2011-02-02T23:18:00.002-05:00

I remember her face. Every time I would scan the crowd.. your face would make my eyes snap back to your face. Your face looked like another one I knew.. another face that I loved.. another face that I came to know when we took her away from your home in 2009. I knew then that we were saving her life... now I know we saved her... now.. that your old sibling went to Jesus.. and now that you have made the journey to Jesus yourself. I knew your face, but I never knew your name, I never knew the weight of you in my arms.. your parents would not let you anywhere near us... I often thought of you and hoped they had made changes for your sake, that they would make it possible for you to at least live... changes were not made.. but you are now safe with Jesus. No more worries. No more scariness. No more bad. You are safe in the arms of Jesus now.

RIP baby...I knew your face.. but that was all I knew.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Dreams to Reality

2011-02-02T20:38:00.006-05:00

The other day I was talking.. well emailing.. with my best friend and she mentioned "I can't believe how our lives have changed in just 3-4 years." And I stopped and thought about it.. and I've been continuing to think about it.

We have our dreams as kids.. as friends we would always talk about the future.. talking about weddings as if they only actually would occur in fairy tales. Children was something we couldn't even fathom.. even in our dreams. That all seemed like a lifetime away.. something that would never actually reach us.. but we dreamed never the less.

I can remember when I first started of dreaming ... about the world. After my first trip to Venezuela dreaming of the kids that I knew were around the world.. my mind could not grasp the numbers of children that were out there.

I remember on that plane ride back from Venezuela when I was 14... at that moment I began dreaming of living out the calling that God had placed on my heart.. living in those places.. so many.. where would I start?

I dreamt of a life that was anything but the 'American Dream'. A life so out of the ordinary that it had to be God.

Yes, Em... we're here... no more dreaming.. the dreams are reality!

~ To God Be the Glory!

The Knocking Behind the Door...

2011-01-22T06:35:00.003-05:00

It has been nearly a year since I saw your face...And I was happy for it.

I loved you as my own family, I dreamt of driving with you in car seats in the back of my taurus.

Everytime I saw a little girls' jacket, I pictured how you'd look in it and whether you'd like the cold or not.

I pictured you with Bub, I knew he would be smitten with you as soon as he saw you.. He would be just a wonderful big brother to you as he was to me.

I imagined you at christmas time meeting all of our crazy family.

I knew Grandma and Mam-Ma would have a wonderful time spoiling you with all their grandmotherly goodness.

I smiled when I thought of you riding the tractor with the grandpas.. one of my favorite childhood memories.

I saw in my mind Daddy teaching you how to ride a bike in the front yard, as he did me.

I pictured you cuddled up with Momma watching one of your favorite movies.
.

Then quicker than I ever knew . . . you were gone.

You were gone in a moment when I was darker and lower than ever before and in an effort to keep some of myself together, I did what I had to do... I put you and all the dreams in a room and I shut the door, and turned my back on that door and pretended it didn't exist. Whenever you were mentioned, I just put a fake smile on.. and turned my hearing off.

You were gone and you ceased to exist in my mind.

I liked it that way.

I could keep going on without the hurt that way.

And then before I knew it.. when I wasn't expecting it...there you were right in front of me... looking at me with those eyes...

And I heard the knocking behind the door...

It was easier when you simply ceased to exist anymore.

It was easier to shut it all out.

It was easier to ignore.

But my walls were no good against physical weapons...against curious eyes... beautiful shy smile... precious voice...

My walls crumbled under the games of others..

So.. tho my walls are damaged, I now begin the process of building them back..

I'm tidying up and pushing everything back in the room and am shutting the door again..

I know it won't be long till it will all come out and I will have to deal with everything... but that time is not yet here.

For now...you are not reality to me..you are just a dream...you are a nightmare.

But now...

... I hear the knocking behind the door.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I Love you so very much darling!

2011-01-19T00:11:00.000-05:00

So, I've had specific topic for a blog post on my heart for a while now, something that I know I need to share.. yet I've been hesitating to share.. because I feel like so many of my posts are downing and pessimistic to an extent, hitting on how stressful life is or what I'm struggling with. And I don't want to sound like I'm whining about my life, that is not at all what I'm doing. My life is just.. so different now and it is so intense, if you will, compared to my life before. So.. depressing or not... here is what is on my heart, here is what I'm dealing with at the moment...this is life for me as I know it right now...

So... before I ever came to the Philippines, I knew it would be tough to work in an *rphanage. But it is continuing to hit me so much harder over and over again. Here I am, I work long and tiring hours, and joyful hours, I get so attached to these children, and the names they pick for me (its always varying... so far.. Ate Briffney (sometimes Brittany can be tough for the little ones), Ah Benny, Ninny, Ellen (Jonalyn was convinced my name wass Ellen), Abby, MamMom), I deal with pee and poop on a consistent daily basis (you gotta love potty training 8 at once.), I discipline them, I hold them responsible, I wash them, I wipe their noses when they get seasonal allergy crud, I rock them when they fall down, I hold them close when they are sick and puking everywhere, I pray with them every night, I've assigned blankets so that each child has his/her own personal blankie to sleep with and take with them when they leave... when they leave... when they leave...

All this is done... so that Lord-willing.. they will leave. We have had several ad*ptions this past year and will have many more in this one to come, and each time, its like a thread in my heart comes loose. I require so much from them, I try and teach them so much, I love them with every bit of my heart that the Lord has given me, I tell them "I love YOU" .. so that one day.. they will turn to someone that is a complete stranger to me and say... "I love you Mommy".

This has always been the goal, to place these children with their forever families so that they can grow, thrive, have all the attention they could ever want, and experience the true love of a family... but it's just hitting me lately. When you have a visitor come and say.. 'Oh.. he's so cute.. I'll just take him' (jokingly of course), but often times when I hear that... my senses perk up and my initial thought is... Um.. excuse me??..NO.. He's mine.. you can't have him. What are you thinking?? Then it dawns on me.. they are never really mine. I love them as mine... but they are not. I realize how selfish we are as humans, always wanting to have ours.

There are so many blogs out there that I've been following and reading about families and parents on their adoption journeys.. they are beautiful to read and hear how the Lord works and brings it all together. My life is the story behind the scenes. It is the reversed adoption story... I love them and love them and instead of counting down the days till we will be together forever.. I count the days till I have to say goodbye...

This is a tough life, I never dreamed that I would ever be able to do anything like this.. but I am honored. I am honored that the Lord has chosen me to do this, has chosen me to be there for them and hold and love them until their families can get to them. I'm honored that He would give me daily, hourly, His strength to do what must be done.

His grace is sufficient.

So for now.. I will continue to hold them, I will continue to love, I will continue to kiss them. I will gladly welcome those little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, as they simultaneously tighten their grip on my heart. I will remember to be a little more gentle when R is getting out of his bed for the 20th time (which he did tonight), after I've told him 21 times to get into bed and go to sleep. I will remember to just let another sigh out when N pees or poops in her underwear instead of the CR for the 3rd or so time, when I just took her to the CR 5 minutes ago (which she did today), I will remember to go down on my off duty time, just to be able to sit and cuddle for a while while someone else is 'working' (which I did this morning).

For now, I will continue every night to say...

"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you L! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you N! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you M! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"

... Till one by one.. All those initials may be gone and new ones added to the list...

~ To God Be the Glory!

It's just a story... right??

2011-01-15T07:38:00.003-05:00

Forewarning - Parents, You might want to skip reading this post to your kids.

Let me tell you a story...

There once was a woman, a cold-hearted woman that many would consider wicked or evil. She lived a hard life from the beginning, taught to be nasty and ruthless by the world she grew up in.

As she grew up and started her life, she eventually married and started having kids. She raised her family.. the only way she knew how.. ruthless. Her life was hard and full of grief from the very beginning. She watched her drunk husband get murdered and chopped into pieces, leaving her a single mom trying to support her family, who was already living in a dump.

She sent her kids out to beg for food and money... If they didn't bring in enough.. then they were beat, would go without, and were tied up so that they couldn't lay down to sleep. To make a little money she got involved with prostitutes, and was somewhat of a female pimp.

And somewhere down the line, the remarried, maybe with the hopes of making it a little further in life, maybe hoping to find some happiness... Then when one of her children got sick and was taken by an organization, it was no big deal for her to sign over her rights of that child...that girl was a disappointment to her anyway.. never earned enough money for the family, they were better without that one.

However, life was still a disappointment.. the husband became abusive, blaming her for all of his/their problems and turning to alcohol and power.. the wife knew, probably a feeling she had been accustomed to in her life, the feeling of not only abusing but also being the abused. Somewhere in the aftermath of that first child being taken away and feeling the pain she used to inflict come upon herself.. something began to shift in that woman. She started to see the other child she had left in the house, the baby a little differently. She began to care a little more for her.

The beatings grew more and more violent, the husband sent the 'witch doctor' after her, and being a poor uneducated woman who knows nothing but the traditions spoken down to her from generations before, she was fully convinced of the 'curse that was spoken over her', a curse of death. Beating down both physically and verbally for so long had worn down her defenses and was now open game to whoever came her way.. whatever they told her..panic attacks came. She settled eventually.. but the beatings grew more and more frequent, till the night he tried to take her daughter, the one last hope she had. She stood her ground that night, through the violent beating, she held onto her daughter and managed to kick the guy out of the house for the night.

She knew then and there what she must do. The next day was her chance, and she had to take it. She went with her daughter and a tiny plastic bag of all the girls' clothes and said 'take her'.

Tonight, she will return to that house, without her daughter, without the only person able to run for help...in an effort to protect her daughter she will return without the only person that was truly protecting her.

Her whole life she has learned to be cold and stand her ground, she had to in order to survive. This time will be no different, only the outcome she knows will be. But she will stand her ground, she refuses to leave, in her last effort, she has protected the person she loves most...she is safe, she will not be there to witness what will happen tonight.. if it doesn't end tonight.. it will end soon.

But don't worry folks.. its just a story remember... or that's how you will read it anyway...

~ To God Be the Glory!

Happiness and Pain and a Challenge

2011-01-14T09:51:00.003-05:00

As most of you fellow bloggers know...there is a miracle going on in the life of Davids, an Latvian orphan that was on the verge of aging out, two weeks away, when the family that was in the process of adopting him pulled out, leaving only 2 weeks for another family to adopt him before he would find himself aged out and out on the streets.. alone. Around the world, people all over joined together and we prayed. We prayed in faith, pleading on behalf of this boy...and now.. Davids family has found him and they are in the process of making it official. You can read his touching story here http://little-did-i-know.blogspot.com/.

Also, this evening I read another update of sorts.. I read of the funeral service for the 9-year old girl that was tragically killed. The article talked of her friends and family reminiscing about the past years and what a joy this little girl was to her family. My heart broke. I can't imagine this pain.. I remember...no.. I know.. my own pain from losing a daughter. I still selfishly mourn for her to be in my arms again. I knew my daughter for one month and she had that big of an effect on me... my oh my.. I can't imagine losing a child of 9 years.

How diverse this world is.. there are so many aspects of humanity...one family is having the change of a lifetime ... and another family is having the change of a lifetime. But oh such different changes.. such different emotions.

My heart leaps for joy at the news of this family coming together. My heart is excited that.. what if we all prayed that fervently for ALL the orphans.. all over the world...WHAT IF??? Again.. Our God is BIG is He not?? So I challenge you today, to start praying for the orphan. Not a simple, "Thank you Lord for this day.. blah blah blah, I pray for this upcoming week at work.. I pray for the orphan... I thank you for my food.. amen." I mean ... really go before our Heavenly Father and beg and plead on behalf of the orphan. Pray for them as if they were YOUR child. As a fellow blogger put it.. Pray for them as if you were their mom or dad... since they have no mom or dad to go and intercede for them.

I obviously have a heart for the orphan, and the Lord has been forming a message in me.. I'm not sure what exactly it will entail, but I've been working and brainstorming a future post about it.. but for now.. let's all pray.. beg.. plead to our Sovereign Heavenly Father for the orphan.

~ To God Be the Glory!

2010... Only the start!

2011-01-10T01:54:00.032-05:00

2010... My first full-year living out the dream that the LORD gave me when I was 14...

January
Arrived back in Philippines in December 2009.

My first trip to Tagaytay.

Discovered my adventerous side and on a whim, decided to go zip-lining over the mountanous, sea-side, jungle.

I met for the first time the little girl that would change my life forever.

February

Ezekiel is HOME now!

We started our push towards rescuing abandoned babies from hospital nurseries, welcoming 4 abandoned treasures in one day.

I went through the darkest valley that the Lord has brought me to yet, as I watched a precious daughter finish her short life on earth and make her way back to Jesus, and learned firsthand what it means to have the LORD as my Tower of Strength, comfort and peace.

March

Edu is HOME with his siblings!

I had to say goodbye to two precious hearts, one of which was a key instrument the LORD used in focusing my attention on where He was leading.

I started focusing more and working more with the toddlers. God began to hammer down the realization of what HE wanted for my life and what HE was calling me to next!

April

My first summer in the Philippines = extremely HOT... which = pool parties!!

I went to camp for the first time with the youth at Pinyahan Christian Church as a counselor, a wonderful opportunity to get to know both the youth better and also other counselors, my friends the Nehemiah.

May

With May, came the start of the rainy season... with much shouting of joy during the first play in the rain of the season! May also brought several days at the park.
I was able to go to camp again with Pinyahan Christian Church (PCC), for two back-to-back sessions!

Ate Jordan came for a visit!

June

June brought Ate Kyla!

And.. little MJ came with June!

Josiah and Daniel are home!

Also with June was Team Japan and Team TX!

As well as Demo Day... the start of our building project!!

July

July brought sweet time with dear friends.

A refreshing trip to Baguio.

Lots of smiles

August

The last of the rainy season 'Play in the Rains'!

I got to go for a visit to KY!

Got to meet lots of nice nurses while I stayed in the hospital for dengue.

(Sorry.. no pictures for that time.. was a little busy..)

September
Time with Momma, Daddio, and Bub and other family and friends!

Watching Daddio play Fall Flag Football!Celebrated a birthday.

Me and Momma's Traditional Trip to the ZOO!
Cheering on the Louisville Cardinals!
October

I headed back to where my heart was.

And this time Momma came with me!!

Then Daddy came also!

The kids loved finally meeting and getting to know Kuya Dean and Ate Vicky.. or Ate Bicky as they pronounce it!

(Sorry, no pictures at this time, hopefully they will be added later! :) )

November

Kim's HOME!

Lots of outings!

A beautiful bundle of joy... Cesar!

December

Glenda and Balong went home!

Pinyahan Christian Church's 30th Anniversary

Holidays!!

Chirstmas Day!
New Year's Eve

~ To God Be the Glory!

Happy New Year!

2010-12-27T23:18:00.002-05:00

Happy Holiday!

Wishing you all a Happy New Year!

~ To God Be the Glory!

2010-12-24T09:45:00.002-05:00

So, it's Christmas Eve night, and I'm cozied up on the couch in the sala with a nice hot cup of coffee, just the way I like it with some powdered Alaska in it (you'll know what I mean if you live in the Philippines) and I'm doing what I do alot these days, reflecting and remembering and just pondering.

Back in the US, every Christmas Eve, we would wake up and go have Christmas Eve breakfast at my Grandma A's house, then that evening when we came home from Grandma and Grandpa's house, we would have a quiet settled family Christmas, just me, Momma, Daddy, and Bub...this year, that is all quite different. Here in the Philippin*s, Christmas Eve is a party! It's almost 11 pm and there are still very loud fireworks going off, I've had texts from friends who are feasting now, and some of those here at GH are in the next room screaming at the TV playing wii, planning on staying up all night.

The difference makes my mind reel...Christmas Eve to me is a quiet peaceful relaxing time, and here I am, relaxing and peaceful in the midst of partying buzzing nation.

Everything is still so new to me, this whole new world that God has brought me to, this all-new life. I can look and see the life that I would've planned for myself, and this life that God has given me is so much better... it leaves me speechless. I know exactly what I would be doing if I had planned my life, and yea.. it would be ok, but God's plans were so much greater! I'm soo soo thankful that He stepped in and took control of my life, that He loosened my grip and lifted my control.

This life is raw... there is literally life and death every day here. We have a baby less than a week old sleeping in the next room, life. Then a few days ago, we got word that one of our kid's siblings in a near-by squatter community died during the week.. simply from dehydration, death.

This evening we went to a Christmas Eve service, and the speaker spoke about how unlikely the words Merry Christmas are, how they don't really go together at all. Merry meaning happy and Christmas, the mas part meaning the death of Christ. So it's like being happy about the death of Christ.. how it doesn't seem to fit..yet through God's plan it does fit. We celebrate the birth of Jesus this time of year, but we remember that He came to this Earth for one reason, to die. He came to die and take the punishment for our sin. ("So.. Jesus gots a spanking?!?!" .. you'll have to read through my blog to find the story that goes along with that quote! :) ). But that's exactly what we are doing, we are celebrating the death, we celebrate that He was born.. born to die.. for us.

I have a blog post that I'm working on, I've been working on it for a while, and I'm not sure when the right time will come for me to post it, but it's something that has been stirring in my heart for a while now. There has just been so much reflection and remembering in my life and mind lately.

Well, ok, I think I'm done rambling for now.

*Merry CHRISTMAS Everyone!*

~ To God Be the Glory!

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

2010-12-23T10:38:00.005-05:00

Forewarning: This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but due to difficult internet connections I was unable to post. Thanks for understanding! Enjoy!

Another one of my favorite childhood traditions... wishing everyone a

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!!!

Ever since I knew that Eve meant the day before, I always wished my momma and everyone I saw a Merry Christmas Eve Eve, the eve of Christmas Eve!

I hope that everyone had as wonderfully fun and as oh-so-dependent on God day as I had. Can't exactly go into details, but the end is basically the same ending as all the other times.. GOD IS GOOD!!

(P.S. - I tried to post pics, and it is not letting me, I'll try to post them again later. Thanks!)

~ To God Be the Glory!

A new type of Christmas time!

2010-12-13T20:03:00.003-05:00

Wow.. so the Christmas season is here!!!! Well, actually its been here in the Philippines for a while, Christmas songs and celebration starts as early as September 1 here... but oh how close we are now!!!

I'm getting used to the 'new feel' of Christmas.. the days of bundling up with cute scarves and gloves are far from me now for the time being... now come the new days of walking in the scorching bright sun to the grocery store on the corner for some cool refreshment. I was walking yesterday and in my head there is still so much clashing with the idea of Christmas time and the feeling of summer heat.

The songs that I grew up on being normal.. like White Christmas, Jingle Bells (talking about a sleigh in the snow), Let it Snow... all those.. are doing an excellent job of just putting a little smile on my face, as I giggle at the irony.. the thought of a white snowy Christmas here in Quezon City??? ... I don't think so. But.. back in Shep.. that's definately a possibility.. since they are already having snow days. Oh, how I miss the cold. I loved getting all bundled up, loved the pretty scarves, and pulling the gloves over my frozen fingers... but now I'm enjoying wearing a cute dress on Sundays, wearing short-sleeved shirts to do my Christmas shopping, and being able to walk down the street at any time because of lovely heat and sunshine overhead.

However, it simply goes to remind me, that no matter what your circumstances are, cold or hot, snow or sweat, that Christmas is still Christmas for only one reason. It is the time of year that we celebrate the mighty love of our Creator for us, by His sending His son Jesus to be born into this world. He came to simply give all, so that we might have life.

What a scarifice...for our simple human lives.

So, I pray that this Christmas season, you'll enjoy the blessings in your life that God has given you, but never forget the reason we celebrate. May we spend this time together worshipping our Creator and Savior and giving Him all the Glory.

~ To God Be the Glory!

2010-12-07T19:43:00.002-05:00

It had been a long day. I was worn out, my body so tired and the allergy crud stuff had hit me again. I had been coughing for a while and now I was getting the lovely 'sniffles' today. I was getting the big kid girls ready for the party today. We had had a party yeterday and another party today for someone wanting to celebrate their birthday with our children. The girls are all running around their room deciding which clothes to wear and commenting on how some of them are wearing the same colors and deciding shoes and all of that fun girl stuff. I sat down on one of the bunk-beds and just watched them and just took the time to just sit for a minute. Sniffling still because of the allergies, I rested my head on the bunk-bed ladder while the girls were finishing up.

Ellaine comes and sits by my side on the bed, and put her arm around my back and lays her head on my shoulder.. "Ate Brittany...why? What's wrong?" I asked her what she meant... "Why Ate Brittany? Why are you crying???"

Oh dear Ellaine, I'm not crying sweetie, I'm just tired and I have some allergies, but don't worry about me, I'm not crying...this was my response to her sweet concern.

Not believing what I was truthfully telling her.. She looked me in the eyes and sighed and layed her head back on my shoulder and started rubbing my back "Don't worry Ate Brittany, it'll be ok. Don't cry." And there we sat, with her arms around me rubbing my back and holding me...

And something happened in that moment.. I remembered.. that's exactly how my mother used to do when I was young. Whenever we were upset, she would sit and just hold me and comfort me.

It seems on many days now that I'm out of the season of being comforted by physical arms. This past week I got a glimpse of that season for a few minutes... and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for those few minutes. I'm thankful for that sweet girl. I think of her life, and all the trials and hardship she has faced in her young life.

...and I'm praying. I'm praying for her future and the future of all of the precious hearts I'm daily surrounded by.

At first I thought I was being comforted for no reason at all, but it was afterwards that I realized... I've missed that feeling. The feeling of another person just truly wrapping their arms around you and just comforting you. I'm grateful that the Lord sees my needs and my heart even when I am unaware...

~ To God Be the Glory!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2010-11-24T23:05:00.006-05:00

So, to be honest, I've been dreading this day for a while now...Thanksgiving. This is not a normal thing, I'm not Thanksgiving-phobic or anything, but I knew this would be my first thanksgiving not in KY and my first Thanksgiving without my family. I assumed today would be a very long drawn-out and slightly depressing day with a little bit of homesickness on the side....how silly.

So, last night, I was able to chat with my mom, so I'm updated in the loop about most of the things going on in KY. I've been emailing back and forth regularly with my brother and am continually growing closer to him, even with the world in between us. Then, this morning, amazing Ate C, sends Eddie out to get... a TURKEY!!!

That pretty much made my day. Then a couple minutes ago, there was a ring on the telephone... and NiNi (Ate C's mother) might be coming for dinner tonight!

It's looking more and more like Thanksgiving as the day goes on. I'm so thankful for my family that God has blessed me with and so thankful that I have another family here in the Philippines ready to welcome me so that I'm not alone on these new holidays away from home. I'm thankful that I get to go downstairs in a little while and I'll get a ton of hugs from the most precious hearts on the planet!

I'm so thankful today!

Thankful for Godly parents that have and are continually encouraging me in this journey.

Thankful for a wonderful big brother, one of my best friends, whom I'm coming to depend on so very much.

Thankful for the 2 best friends I girl could ask for. Always ready to listen, always with Godly advice.

Thankful for a warm and gracious extended family and church family! They have shown me more encouragement in my journey to follow God than I could have ever expected.

And above all..thankful for a God who loves me! A God who was not pleased to give me the life I would have had for myself, but pushed my plans aside for those of His own... plans much bigger and greater than I could have ever dreamed. I look around and am amazed that He cares that much for me to orchestrate this life for me. I'm so thankful for a Sovereign, Almighty, All-powerful, Healing, Compassionate, Caring, Generous, Creator, Saviour LORD!

~ To God Be the Glory!

14

2010-11-16T09:50:00.003-05:00

What I remember most about being 14...

I remember coming back from my second mission trip to Venezuela, on the longer plane ride and knowing that God was calling me to a life of full-time missions. I remember with tears in my eyes saying "Ok God... ok..if that's what You want.. ok." I remember telling my family and grandparents...

She might remember that odd white girl that put her arm around her when she heard the news...

I remember coming home from that trip to a new room,... with bright yellow walls, flowers everywhere, blue ceiling with clouds, new decorations, and bright colors everywhere.

She... she will remember nights sleeping on the street.

Me and her.. we had very different lives.. oh but the Lord is in charge of all. It was a calling I answered at the age of 14 that has brought me to cross the path of this 14 year old girl...

We have totally different lives, but now we have one thing in common... we've both said goodbye to our babies this year.

At the young age of 14, this girl became a mother. Living on the street, the family not knowing when she gave birth... she went through it all...alone. The child was left to sleep on the streets, not getting the proper care or nutrition...mostly because a simple lack of knowledge. A child taking care of a child, trying to make it living on the streets.

By the time 3 week old AJ was brought to GH, it was too late, he was too far gone, too dehydrated... he was already on his way to Jesus. He was brought to us around 7 pm ish.. and at 9:51, he went to Jesus.

Now all I can do is put my arm around her... I don't know her...but I feel for her. I feel slightly connected to her. I don't know the language enough to tell her that I'm sorry for the pain she is feeling, that I'm sorry she's having to travel this horrendous road through life...so I just sat, with my arm around her back and listen to what I know is the message that her child has died.

She's 14...I can't imagine.

Oh, LORD, reach to her, comfort her in this dark time of her life. Reveal Yourself to her and draw her close to You, that she might know You as her LORD and Savior. Amen

~ To God Be the Glory!

Stunned...

2010-11-13T08:12:00.003-05:00

So, I'm starting this post, not knowing in what direction it will go. There have been so many things running around my head, that I don't know where to begin.

Friday night, I went to church and everyone could just tell that there was something off, and they asked if I was ok and all, and I replied, 'Yea, I'm fine, just a very emotional past few weeks.' And I started thinking about it and was like 'Oh wow God... you really are making sure I never forget that You and You alone are going to be the One who gets me through all of this' because without Him, I probably couldn't handle a single one of these things, much less, all together. In the past month I've

Said the official goodbye and moved away from home... to the other side of the world. Leaving family, friends, places, memories etc.

Said a very very hard goodbye to my parents. And for once, they were doing the leaving and I just stayed behind and they got on the plane.

Celebrated what would have been my daughter's 1st birthday.

Witnessed the bittersweet (for us) adoption of one of our little ones. K left with her Forever Family this past week. Rejoicing in God's work, but also stunned by our own loss.

Those are the main things, but there are a couple other more things that are also running around my head...

I think the word I used for bullet #4 is appropriate, I am stunned. Just stunned.

Stunned because the last weekend I woke up and was thinking about what I would do with Momma and Daddy today... forgetting that they left Friday night.

Stunned because there are always gonna be days when I just need to be held in big hug by my brother. His hugs make everything all right.. they are magic.. I'm certain of it.

Stunned because my 2 best friends back home are going through 2 different joys of life, things we all dreamed of... and I'm not there to witness the growth of new life within another ... and I'm not there to help plan the special days.

Stunned because, I can't even begin to describe how my arms ache to hold her again. How a month was just too short.

Stunned because in the midst of my pain and saddness, I'm surrounded by children who have never known the love of a mother and father, much less that of a Momma and Daddy. Kids who for their first years won't have the memories that are my nightly slide show in my mind. Memories of picnics in the yard w/ BBQ chips with Momma. Memories of when Daddy first taught you how to ride a 2-wheeler in the front yard on a girly pink and white bike. Memories of sneaking upstairs with Bub at 1 am to get a midnight snack or a movie, or playing hide n go seek in the dark outside on summer nights. That realization hits me like a ton of bricks, how dare I be sad for what I've lost, when these precious children have never had a taste of it to begin with.. instead, most of them have had much much worse to remember.

Stunned because today as we are leaving Malabon, Ate hands me a baby, I've seen her a couple times before, been to her house a couple times. I don't know much of her story, just that she has some obvious special needs, she is 9 years old (tho she looks 3 or 4) and from what I understand, her mother up and left. I can't imagine what this little girl has gone through. Her eyes are just haunted with pain. As one person said today 'Even her face is sad,... its just a sad face.' And its true, even when she gives you that tiny little smile.. her face is still sad.

Stunned at how much God loves me. Stunned at how He has planned this life specifically for me, that He cared enough to change the plans I had for myself, for something so much greater.. His plans for me.

I'll be honest, I don't understand it, not one bit of it. Most all of life makes no sense to me at all. But this I know... God is in control. He is sovereign. In Him I will trust and in Him will I find my comfort and my peace. When all else fails... ALL ELSE FAILS... He will not leave me. I will cling to Him.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Happy 1st Birthday My Dear Pamela...

2010-11-09T06:16:00.006-05:00

One year ago today, the LORD gave the world a precious gift. Though the world surrounding this precious gift didn't want it... They didn't want her...

Such a heartbreaking start...its undescibable knowing her short little life started out that way. Makes you want to question the ways of God. Makes you want to question all of mankind.

But I can't bring myself to question the LORD... because it was when that world didn't want her... it was then that the LORD gave me the biggest blessing of my life asides from Him adopting me, He allowed me to adopt her.

In the weeks following my dear Pamela's journey to Jesus' arms, I was so scared that I would eventually forget. That she would start to fade.

Now, the LORD has confirmed that my fears were and still are all in vain. I will still have those fears. But Pamela is more a part of me now than ever. My love for her continues to grow. Her memory there in my heart for good. I look at her pictures and I remember the feel of her little hand around my pinky, I remember when we first got her, walking around the first floor with her, telling her what all the pictures were. My body shudders at the memory of those long nights, watching each hour come and go. But my heart has the strongest memory of all. My heart is forever changed.

The LORD blessed me with a dream the other night, which I'm not going to share here, but I will share about the message of it. I will see her again, He will one day place her back in my arms as we both are in His arms.

Today as I celebrate her birthday without her, I can't imagine but think... Heaven is the best place she could be.

So my Princess, my dear Pamela, Happy 1st Birthday sweetheart! Today it will be hard to be here apart from you. Mommy misses you with all my heart, but I would not wish you for a second back on this earth. You are in the arms of Jesus, and there is no where better or greater than that. I know you are happy, full of joy worshipping our LORD and Savior. Looking forward to the day when you'll be in my arms again.

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Just another moment in your eyes
I'll see you in another life in Heaven
Where we never say goodbye

(excerpt of lyrics from the song, linked above, Lucy by Skillet)

I heard this song first this past summer, as my dear friend Jordan was going through similar cicumstance, watching her child, Lucy's time on this earth come to an end.

~ To God Be the Glory!

( To see more of Pamela's story, start reading my posts from January 2010.)

2010-11-06T08:51:00.004-04:00

Here's My Life by Barlow Girl

Once again I said my goodbyes

To those who I love most

My heart feels that familiar pain

As I long for home'

Cause this road is hard

When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight

'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more here's my life
On the day that You called my name

All that I knew changed

I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same

Though the call is hard

You are worth it all

God I'm crying out tonight

'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more

Even when the tears are falling

When I find I fear the calling

You remind me

Words You've spoken over my life

Promises I've yet to see

You comfort me
God I'm crying out tonight

'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more, here's my life

no

2010-10-28T09:27:00.002-04:00

I was dreading this day...

I knew it would probably come eventually...

I mean at some point, it just becomes ineveitable...

Impossible to avoid...

And here it is...

My sweet precious toddlers (well one in particular) has learned a new word... and is delighting in using the word... no.

:)

Right now, Mr A is still just testing it out.. but he's been testing that word inparticular more and more the last couple days. Each time, I try to gently explain that its not nice and respectful, that he needs to obey... but honestly.. ya'll know.. how often does that 'reason' work???

So... we'll see how it goes...right now that adorable cute aspect is still there...but I know it won't last for long. Soon instead of a no.. it will be a NO!

Oh LORD, give me wisdom and grace. This is yet another new chapter in my life, lead me through this chapter as You have done in the past, never leaving me, always faithful.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Oh how I love it!

2010-10-25T09:44:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to share a quick post for those of you who have been waiting for an update....I'm here!! Back in Manila!!! I love Love LOVE IT!!! My toddlers have been quite sick since I last saw them, most of them had a nasty run-in with the measles, but they are ever so beautiful!! A couple of them had been much sicker than others and the exhausted personality lingered as they are still recovering, but I tell you the LORD is good, He is soo good!! 2 months is a LONG time for a little one, so it took a little while for some of the them to warm up to me again, but we are making wonderful progress. Little R is doing extremely well! I was so surprised to see how outgoing and vibrant she is, learning to move from jibber jabber to words now, so active, and always alerting you when someone is up to trouble...except, of course, when it is she who is getting into the trouble. HA! J looked completely different to me, oh how I felt horrible to be away from her and the others while they were sick, not that my being here could've really helped in any way, aside from just holding them and loving on them. As every parent knows, kids get sick, its just the way life goes. J made my heart sink... oh but not for long. As her appearance may have changed, she was quick to point out... she's still her silly mischevious self on the inside. One of the biggest shocks was A, oh how I was so eager to see her again... but boy... she was going to have me pay the consequences for being gone so long...she had been the sickest I do believe of them all, and her body being so exhausted just couldn't put all the pieces together... she would stare me down, with her serious somber GRRR stare... and after a day... I finally saw a smile. And again, the LORD has just been so good... because A's appearance had not only changed, but her personality was completely different. As anyone knows, being sick and completely exhausted wipes you out... and it takes a while for you to even begin feeling like yourself again... well... this is A's time! Little by little, I'm seeing more and more of her old self,... that quirky, smily, talkative toddler come back to her little frame!

I could go on and on about all the different children. All changing. All unique. All precious.

But for now I'll leave you with a picture.

As most of you know, pictures do not do sunrises or sunsets justice. This was the sun coming up over Manila this morning...absolutely breathtaking. Even in the midst of the hussle and bussle of the city, the smog and pollution, only intensify the beauty, making God's creation look like something straight from a storybook. Coming up, the start of a new day for this very busy very crowded city.... oh how I LOVE IT!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Remember???

2010-10-06T00:41:00.003-04:00

As I mentioned in my earlier post, tonight I went with my Momma and some wonderful friends to "A Night With The Chapmans". It was a wonderful night, and the Lord dealt with me on a couple different issues. Two main things, one of which I can not yet share, maybe in a year or two I'll be able to share (no it does not deal with adoption.), but I can share about the other thing God layed on my heart.

As Caleb Chapman talked about at the beginning of the night, its as if the Lord shifted a part of the events over the past months into focus tonight; there is still much blurriness, but a part of it was shifted into focus tonight. And the Lord has laid that focused part on my heart, giving me a new message and story to share.

I was listening to Steven and Mary Beth and Caleb tonight and I know a portion of what they've gone through. I see how they have trusted and relied on God the whole way through this, and I myself, have turned and had to rely solely upon the LORD, and the LORD is faithful to see us and to continue to lead me through and out of the pit.

But I have also seen people who have gone through the unthinkable and have not come through it; people that have simply fallen into the pit and never found the strength to climb out. Its as if they gave up and quit life. And I simply asked, half already knowing the answer, how, when facing the unthinkable (in all its various forms) do we come to such different responses?

And in the middle of singing, is when the LORD kinda just whispered in my ear 'Remember???... Don't you remember?? All those years ago? The promise?' And in my mind I flash backed to years ago, when I was a teenager, just starting to grasp what the decision that I had made when I was 8 years old meant. I remember when I first started to understand the love that God had for me, the compassion He has shown me and the ultimate sacrifice He paid for me... I remember when I first started to truly and intentionally worship my Savior. With that realization came a love for the LORD, and out of that love I promised that with whatever came I would always, ALWAYS love Him; that my response to whatever HE BROUGHT my way would be WORSHIP. And I don't take promises lightly, so when I was in the process of making that commitment, I let my mind wander... to What if...? What if I was faced with the unthinkable? At that time there were only a few options for unthinkable to take form, and I thought about each, often to the point of tears, and I, knowing that God was sovereign and that He loved His children, I committed whole-heartedly to the promise that WHATEVER MAY COME, I WILL LOVE YOU LORD. MY RESPONSE WOULD BE WORSHIP.

Remember??? Don't you remember now sweetheart?? Now remember another moment... I heard the Lord gently whispering again, and again my mind flashed to one of my trips to Venezuela when we read the book The Cross Centered Life, and then again to BLBC's Jeru Project, when we read a follow-up book, Living the Cross Centered Life, in one of the chapters in both of these books, the author, C. J. Mahaney, talks about not listening to your heart but talking to your heart. Our emotions can be deceiving, and we can't trust them, instead we have to speak to our hearts the truths that we know, truths that the LORD has promised us.

Remember?? was the whisper again and a tiny bit of blurriness shifted into focus. My own reaction, as with many others out there, was to rely on the LORD, was not only my relationship with God, but also because I had made that commitment many years earlier. I had told myself what my reaction would be if faced with the unthinkable. So.. when the time came to sit and watch my daughter slowly fade away, I remembered the promise. I remembered, even though I may not 'feel' as I did when I was on those mountains; I may not 'feel' like looking to Him; I still remember the promise that I made, I remember to look a little deeper, past the 'feelings' to the joy that I have that comes only from the LORD; I remember the truths, the truths I promised to remember, that He would never, NEVER leave me nor forsake me, He is ALWAYS faithful; I remembered ... WHATEVER MAY COME, I WILL LOVE YOU LORD. MY RESPONSE WOULD BE WORSHIP.

So I want to challenge everyone to decide today how you will react when faced with the unthinkable, whatever it may be. I'm not saying dwell on it day and night, but think and decide for yourself, if that time comes and you are indeed faced with the unthinkable, decide now how you will react, because if the time comes, your feelings WILL be deceiving.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I love her still...

2010-10-05T23:49:00.005-04:00

Where O where to start?? I just got back tonight from "A Night With the Chapmans"... to say it was a wonderful night of worship would be an understatement. The Lord dealt with me about a few things, two main things, one of which I'll share in another post tonight, but right now is something that I'm just going to share. Part of this blog, while it is to keep everyone updated on my journey of following the LORD where He leads, it is also a way of just expressing myself, letting ya'll know what's on my heart. So.. here it is... this is what has been on my heart.

As the night started, I was thinking, how grateful I am that the LORD allowed (predestined) me to be home during the time that the Chapmans would be touring through Louisville. Only the LORD knows how much of a comfort the words on the album Beauty Will Rise, my Steven Curtis Chapman have been; how they have continually reminded me of God's promises; how the lyrics put words to the thoughts and feelings that were reeling inside of me surround my sweet time with Pamela.

Tonight as we were closing the night in worship of our God, nearly everyone was in tears, simply thinking of how God has been faithful in delivering us from the various valleys that we've been through; for me it was a time of remembering the LORD's constant presence during that time, when I went through the darkest valley I have ever been through. Tears had already formed a steady stream on my cheeks, and when Steven had finished one of his songs, he started with a song many of us know It is Well With My Soul;... my thoughts when he started playing that song, 'At least it's not Pamela's song...I can at least sing this... if he started playing her song right now, I would really lose it.' For those of you who do not remember my updated 1 month post Pamela's journey to Jesus, it is here: http://louisvillegal.blogspot.com/2010/03/march-28-2010.html .

Well...wouldn't you know it...a couple minutes later the beginning of that very song started playing. I sat down and no longer was there a steady stream, but a river of tears. I sobbed. I sobbed, hard, the hardest I have cried in 7 months, since I was last with my daughter. I have surely cried, as many of those who have been around me in these last months can testify; but I have not sobbed as I did tonight.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss my daughter, but on most days I don't dive into those memories, I intentionally don't go back mentally; I don't want to live in the past and dwell on the pain, when I know that the LORD has so many blessing in the present and that the pain for my little girl is gone, she is happy with Jesus. But on the rare occasions when I do just go back and dwell for a few minutes and reflect on the love that I still carry every day for her, I realize...even when she is in the arms of Jesus, I still love her more and more every day.

~ To God Be the Glory!

my WOW moment...

2010-10-01T22:41:00.002-04:00

Do you ever just take a minute to stop and think... WOW.. Lord, is this serously happening?? Wow. The Lord just blows me away with his provisions for us, how he has a specific plan for every person on this earth. Me, in my immense human weakness, I would think that eventually the Lord would give up and just give us basically all dull lives, but no.. HE in His wonderful amazing love and compassion still cares about us, still provides for us, still continues to guide us to His plan for our lives.

Oh how indebted I am to my Magnificent Savior and Father!! He gave his life for me, and then on top of that He continues to remain ever faithful and to lead me, and yet still on top of that, He continues to bless me everyday, so much more than anything I deserve, quite the opposite of what I deserve. I realize more and more every day how in love I am with my Creator and Savior, I don't live my life trying to fulfill some order, I don't live as a slave, I live as a child who loves her Glorious Savior and wants nothing more than to be in the center of His will, bringing Him Glory and showing others this wonderful relationship that I have and showing them that they can have that relationship also! That they too can have that joy deep down that no matter what, you know there is hope and joy in your Father that loves you!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Simply a Child of God... listening to her Father.

2010-09-24T10:55:00.007-04:00

When I was 8 years old, I came to my Daddio with lots of questions and after he explained everything about how we all sin, but Jesus came and lived a perfect life and gave his life on the cross to pay for our sin, so that we can have a forever relationship with God, and showed me many bible verses, I accepted Christ as my Savior and LORD. When I was 13, I felt God calling me to my first mission trip to Venezuela. At the age of 14, I was on my way home from my 2nd trip to Venezuela, when I knew the LORD was calling me to a life of missions, that one day he would call me to full-time missions. Over the years, I've thought and dreamed...where will it be? Where will God send me?

Manila, Philippines was the farthest place from my mind. I never had a specific image or place, for a time I assumed it would be Venezuela, since that was all that I knew. Growing up in the country, I definately didn't expect to eventually be living in a HUGE city...

But, here I am years later after that plane ride at the age of 14, and now my prayers and wonderings are finally answered. Quezon City, Manila, Philippines is it. I have prayed through every step regarding the Philippines, since I first knew God was planning something, when I first started looking at possible International Mission Board (IMB) projects. I felt the LORD's confirmation as soon as I started praying. God has been so gracious and so faithful to answer my continual prayer of LORD, please just continue to confirm this in me. Please reconfirm this plan. LORD, it's not that I'm hesitant to do Your will, but I want to be totally sure that it is from You and not of my own wanting. I keep praying this prayer...and you'd think eventually I would just... stop. But I don't... even as He is continuing to confirm His decision.

So, as of now, I will be returning to the Philippines mid-October. For how long?? (As the question always goes) ... let's just say this... I currently have no return date in mind. Of course I would like to come back to the USA and visit my dear family and friends as God permits, but I don't have any intention of living in the USA until God intervenes and changes my direction again... which could easily be in a couple years, and if that would be His plan.. then I will go where He calls.

For those of you that know me or regularly check my blog for updates and are constantly in prayer on my behalf, I thank you so much! The LORD has truly blessed me beyond reason with the enormous amount of encouragement I've recieved. I believe more now than ever in the power of prayer to our Sovereign LORD, and I know that the LORD heard your prayers and there were many times that the LORD came to my rescue and turned circumstances around so quickly it nearly made me dizzy just watching Him work.

As excited as I am to be taking this step in my life, there are certainly some aspects to this decision that are heartbreaking to me and my family; but it is in those moments when we will be forced to our knees, in those moments when the LORD WILL BE our Comforter, our Strong Tower. He is always faithful, even when we have our days of doubt, HE WILL be with us; even on the days it seems all we want to do is cry, HE WILL be with us; even on the days where it seems our world is falling apart around us; HE WILL BE WITH US...and for that and in the midst of all situations, we will worship Him and trust in His Sovereign wisdom and plan.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Hmm... that's odd..

2010-09-08T15:42:00.001-04:00

Hey ya'll.. Sorry about the inconvenience.. but apparently the music player on my blog is experiencing some technical difficulties. My first song is supposed to be "Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole, but something entirely different has been playing lately.. so I'm not exactly sure what is going on... but I'm hoping it gets straightened out soon! Thanks!

Rammy!

2010-09-08T14:48:00.004-04:00

So, I'm State-side now, and while its been wonderful, oh so wonderful to be spending time with my Momma, Daddio, Bub, 2 best friends, and all my other wonderful friends and family... I can't help but miss the kids at GH. I miss the monsters running around like...well ... montsters. I miss the big kids acting crazy. I miss walking into the nursery seeing all those precious babies. I miss my toddlers and all of their crazy silliness and seeing them making their precious funny faces! But even from this side of the world, I thought I would still update my blog and continue the series of letting everyone get to know some of the kids I worked with everyday.

Today is ... RAMMY!!!

Rammy has been at GH for a couple years now, I first met this precious little boy in June 2009, on my first trip to the Philippines. When I first met him, Rammy didn't speak, didn't walk, and didn't really like interacting with the other kids that much at all..

but today Rammy is turning into a different child. He walks around... wobbly still... but he's walking everywhere, curious as any 3 year old and is playing more and more with the other kids! Rammy does have some mental delays, he has been diagnosed with cerebral palsey.

Rammy is such a sweetheart ( I know I say that about all of my toddlers,... but they all really are... I highly doubt sweeter kids exist anywhere else.... hehe!) Rammy is becoming so increasingly affectionate and is starting to 'jibber-jabber' more and more...which I love to listen to. He has a certain doll that he loves to carry around and care for and will often bring the doll to me so that I can 'baby-sit' while he goes and plays with other toys... so precious!!

As precious as he is today, its hard to believe his heartbreaking past... you see, Rammy was born 'different'. So, for that reason, he was unwanted here, abandoned at birth left in the hospital under the care of doctors and nurses that likewise didn't want to take care of an 'unwanted child'. Then... GH took over. At GH he recieved love, care and attention. The caregivers have really tried to work with Rammy to get him walking, and interacting with the other kids and if the pics above don't show you how happy of a boy he is now then the pic below surely will! I am constantly amazed at the backgrounds of some of these children and how cruel people can be... and I know...that is why the LORD has placed that specific calling upon my life, the same calling that was/is on Ate C's heart when she rescued Rammy, along with the nearly 40 other children at GH. The passionate heart for the abandoned, the neglected, the abused... for the orphan, for the heart of God.

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Rammy and for saving his precious life, when so many people around him gave up on his life so early on! I thank You for keeping him and sustaining him, now and especially during those first months in the hospital, when no one else cared, You cared for Him, You were his Comfort and Protector. I thank You for Gentle Hands, for Ate C's heart of compassion for Rammy and the many other little ones that You, and You alone, have placed at Gentle Hands! I pray that You would continue to watch over this little one and I pray for his future Forever Family! I pray that You would join them together and that Rammy would know the love that You have for him and how You provided for him! I thank You LORD again.. I thank You for his life!

~ To God Be the Glory!

The faces I LOVE...

2010-08-12T07:48:00.013-04:00

~ To God Be the Glory!!!

Wow What a Week...Shewwee!

2010-08-07T08:21:00.004-04:00

So... this post is going to be slightly different than those of mine in the past...I'm going to update everyone using the facebook conversation between me and my sweet Momma!! I had so much to tell her about and update everyone about... that I just haven't found the energy to tell anyone else... I've simply copied and pasted this conversation in about 4 different emails and now to my blog. Enjoy reading about my crazy hectic week.. and I must say that this isn't even all of it, there were some happenings that I'm just not at liberty to share, but here are the details that I'm able to share.. Enjoy.. I hope you get a few laughs out of them..I did. (It gets to the point you either laugh or cry... I choose laugh ... most days.)

B - Hey momma!
M - hey sweetie!!!
how are you?
B -I'm good.. grinning from ear to ear cuz the first thing i see as soon as i open facebook is your status at the very top
heheB
:D
M - hahah...that's what I"m doing right now, too!!! as soon as i heard the 'pop' and saw your name !!! and, too, while i was posting my status!!! :)
B - oh my momma... it has been a crazy past 2 days...
hang on.. let me read 2 emails and then i'll start the whole story
or stories
lol
M - ok
B - ok so...
M - ok...
i'm listening!!!
B - lets go back to monday... i spent the whole day preparing for L (a girl who is coming to work at GH for several months) to get here... well.. we go to the airport... and we show up early... flight gets in at 10:10, and we get there like before 9... so we wait... and then it gets to 10 and we go to the place where the ppl come out.. and we wait... and wait ... and wait.. 1 hour after her flight should arrive.. no lacey
2 hours... no lacey...
so at 1 am.. we decide she's not coming out... we don't know what else to do but go home
i'm SO SO SO TIRED... remember mon-wed. i have to get up at 4:45 am to get the kids ready for school and am on duty those days...
we couldn't figure out y she wasn't there.. ate kept telling me she got in on aug 2, and i had asked lacey what time her flight came in at and which airport... .. but still no lacey
so i get home and go check my fbook to see the message.... thats when i read lacey's message clearly... 'I get in tuesday night at 10:10 pm'
do u see the problem there????
M - yep, you went on monday
B - yep! exactly,...so.. i tell teody and louie and nico who went with me... well we have to go again tomorrow night
M - hmm, bet they liked that one?
B - so i go to my room and am ready to CRASH its like 1:30 1:45 .. something like that now... ugh.. i have to get up in less than 3 hours.. i'm in bed... when.. crap i have to use the cr... sigh..ok.. up and out of my bed again (i'm on the top bunk)
so i climb down and am using cr drowsily when i turn around to go for the toilet paper... there is cockroach behind me.. now staring me in the eyes since i'm turned around... oh brother!
M - haha..were you awake then? hahahah
B - anyway.. so i'm like... crap.. i can't actually go and rest soundly knowing there is a cockroach out and about right here.. when my bed is right outside the cr.. (there is a cr in our room)
so.. i wait.. but he's like inside the toilet paper roll now
M - ugh
B - so.. i nudge the roll... trying to get him to come out.. and so i can hit him with the flipflop i've attained when he's not on the toilet paper roll... cuz i don't know about you.. but i do not want to be using toilet paper that has cockroach guts all over it...sorry but no thanks.. so i'm really trying to salvage the tp...
M - yep, i understand!!!
B - so i keep nudging it.. and each time he comes up.. peaks his head out.. looks at me and then goes back in...so finally i'm like... its nearly 2 am.. screw the tp.. we can get more in the morning ... so i hit it the next time he come up.. but he gets away by going around to the back of the toilet... well nuts.. now the stubborn momma part in me comes out.. i started it, now i have to finish it (kinda like i have to finish what i start when the toddlers throw tantrums... gotta stick with it and not give in)
so i see him... he's behind the toilet down by the piping of the toilet, and he's on the wall... so i'm ok.. lets get this over with.. i aim and go in for it...
....
M - AND????
B - ... when the edge of the flipflop i have barely BARELY touches the piping... the piping busts, like comes complete off the fixture that is hooked to the water....
WATER GOES EVERYWHERE!!!
like a fountain on full blast
and i think.. O DANG.. WHERE DID THE COCKROACK GO NOW??
M - you're flooding the bathroom, but yet worried about the roach???
B - so.. i have to ignore the water going crazy spraying everywhere.. and i have to find and kill the cockroach ... the cockroach makes a quick run for it.. and i smash him.. dead.. now i have to go fix the water going EVERYWHERE
spraying.. no SHOOTING out ... so i'm trying to fix it... getting soaked in the process, when i realize.. crap .. it didn't come unscrewed or anything... it BROKE.. no quick fix.. no putting it back.. so i try to turn the thing to turn the water off to the toilet... nothing.. won't budge..
so now i'm thinking crap.. i'm gonna have to go wake up nico and louie and get them to help.. so i turn to go out..
when i spot this little nob under the sink.. like its just a nob sticking out in the randomest of places.. nothing around it.. so i decide to turn it...
turns out.. it shuts off the water!!!
M - YAY!!!
B - so.. i was ok.. i got the fountain to stop!!! YAY!!! GO MEE!!!.. at PAST 2 AM...
then i realize, i have to get up before jouvelin (my roommate) .. so i have to make her a note saying don't use the CR.. its broke
lol
M - haha...ya know...this really sounds like a story plot for the ...I LOVE LUCY SHOW
B - so.. then tuesday happens... this is another story
... i'm watching the kids.. and jr tells me he has to poop!!!
M - HAHAHA
B - well JR has cerebral palsey and can't go to the CR by himself., he's actually been wearing diapers for the longest time.. but he can tell us when he has to go.. so there NO point in it... so now he tells us and I take him
but this is slightly new..
M - oh nooooooo!!!!
B - so we are in the cr.. i'm holding him up on hte seat and he starts singing a song (this little boy is HILARIOUS!! an absolute sweetheart of a joy to be around) but ... he is a boy... so this is his song...
POOP POOP! POOP POOP! I WENT POOP POOP! I WENT POOP POOP! POOP POOP! I WENT POOP POOP! I WENT POOP POOP!
...and i'm trying to keep my composure here.. since I am holding him while he is doing all this pooping after all
M - hahahahha...that is priceless!!!
B - and i say 'yes jr.. you did go poop and you did such a good job!! Good job JR!!'
he goes and slightly sings... "GOOD JOB FOR ME!! GOOD JOB FOR YOU!!"
i said yes.. we both did a good job! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
M - hahah
B - so.. thats my story for that day...
then... tuesday night comes
M - oh yea, back to the airport...right?
B - we r about to go get lacey but this time.. instead of just me, nico, louie and teody.. Kuya Jerome, William (patrick's dad who's helping with the construction of our new building), kuya Jing, Emil, Amboy... and i think thats it
so many ppl come.. good news is .. she arrives and is there...
M - wow.... a party yeah!!
B - so today is her first day here...
now lets start on the stories of today....
M - uh-oh!
B - yea...so it starts off at 4:45 for me .. again.. (didn't get into bed till after midnight nearly 1 am i think)...so my first thoughts on waking are ... SLEEP!!!! lol
well i walk downstairs and normally I go in check on them make sure no major issues and then wait about 5 minutes before getting the school girls up .. then the school boys up and i try and let the others sleep as long as possible.. the more sleep the better i think.. since i can't really watch them when they r up if i'm still getting the school kids ready... well i walk in the room and ALL THE NON-SCHOOL KIDS R WIDE AWAKE!!!! staring at me, like they've been up for a while...
i went Hoy! y r u awake? its still like a copule minutes BEFORE 5 AM...
they just stare... so i'm like.. ugh.. go back to sleep.. but i know its no use.. they are up
so i go to wake the school kids up.. and they wake up so easily.. so.. they weren't actually sleeping either (normally.. they r tough to wake up.. not today)
so i texted ate.. THEY R ALL AWAKE! ah...i'm not ready for this day..
so.. since they r awake.. naturally.. they soon start to bicker a little.. and then.. i hear it..
"ATE BRITTANY!! come here .. the water won't stop!!!"
I run in there and sure enough the faucet just doesn't work anymore.. you turn it to turn the water off.. and the water is still goin full blast...
so again.. not really sure what to do.. but getting wet in the process since the full blast stream is splashing everywhere
I run in there and sure enough the faucet just doesn't work anymore.. you turn it to turn the water off.. and the water is still goin full blast...
so again.. not really sure what to do.. but getting wet in the process since the full blast stream is splashing everywhere
then i remembered something.. i yanked the garbage can in the corner out of the way... well where it was almsot floating now lol.. and there was the random little nob all by itself.. i started turning and had to shut the water off
but this time.. i still have several kids who still have to bathe, they use a big garbage can size bucket to put the water in and they have a dipper to pour it over them with..but... now i have to keep going in there and turning the water on and then shutting it back off .. over and over and over
and every batch of kids do the same thing.. they try the faucet .. then they freak out.. ATE BRITTANY WALA TUBIG WALA TUBIG (NO WATER NO WATER) ...sigh
so i tell Ateabout all of it,.. she knew from tuesday about my cr now another one.. its ok tho.. she says the plumber is coming today
great!.. i think... quick fix.
well.. the plumber gets there and jing goes with him to our cr and i assume they start working, lacey comes down to visit with the kids and the kids want to go to the 3rd floor.. ate is working on the 1st floor but says we can take them up, she's up and down between 1st and 3rd floor
so we go up stairs
then L has to take the boys to get haircuts..then i'm goin to go pick up kids from school...
well we've been upstairs for a while now.. when i go downstairs.. angel and cherrylyn are a little ahead of me and glenda coming down.. when angel comes running Ate Brittany WATER WATER.. lots of WATER
oh crap.. so i take off running.. sure enough someone has turned the water on... and it is coming out full blast.. and water is everywhere.. flooding out into the bedrooms
boys bedroom - cr - girls room
thats how the layout is...
so i turn it off .. thinking how in the world..
cuz nobody wouldve been down there the kids were all with us upstairs...then I remember
kim uses the cr there... and she saw me shut the water off today earlier
UGH... so i just start cleaning it up .. thinking how i'm going to email kim's m about this fun little thing.
well.. i can't do too much, cuz i have to get ready to go get the kids, but someone had put the bucket over the drain.. so all i could do was move the bucket and let the FLOOD.. like literally over my toes EVERYWHERE in the CR .. go down the drain..

so... i get the kids set to eat lunch, and i head to take a shower.. on the 3rd floor since my cr is still out of commission
i go get my stuff and they aren't working on it anymore.. but it still not working.. ok i guess they took a break?? ok..
so i go get my shower.. oh and i'm out of clothes.. i have 2 full loads ready for the washer.. but the washer has been going nonstop... so.. i have to keep waiting .. and now i'm out of clothes.. so a skirt it is.. my blue skirt with flowers and a royal blue shirt...what a choice..
so.. i head downstairs to find teody to go get the kids.. teody has already gone...GREAT... i just got into a skirt.. and now i'm going nowhere.. back down to the kids to finish my shift i guess (ate imelda was going to watch the kids while i went to get the kids)
so i go to check the flood in the kids' cr that's when i realize just how much water flooded into the bedrooms... its sitting on the floor.. under the beds... CRAP.. so there i go freshly clean, curling damp hair in my skirt.. taking towels and mopping up the water.. wringing out the towels.. mopping and wringing out.. almost falling on nearly every step on the wet tile
so i'm cleaning and i realize i'm goin to have to move the beds.. the water is standing under there.. i can't leave it.. that'll mold in no time..
so there i am shoving bunk beds all over the place...
i get the girls room pretty much done and am starting on the boys'... the boys'.. is MUCH worse...crap.. more water than the girls' i need to go get a fan.. so i do..bring it down.. and like pretty much everyone has noticed..
so i've been cleaning for a long time now.. when L says something about going to check on our cr.. she had been up there earlier and said the light was off, i guess the door was closed, but it was making a sound.. i was like 'well then he must've fixed it, cuz the light was on last time i was in there'
so she goes to check.. a minute later Brittany!!! It's bad!! It's really bad.. there's water everywhere.. its flooded'
WHAT!! so i race up there and sure enough someone has turned the water on.. using the little nob.. and just left it.. our shower is now a pool.. our shampoo, conditioner, and face wash are all floating around like pool rafts in the cr.... its leaking out into our room.. WHAT??
then it hits me.. the only person that could've done this.. it had to have been the 'plumber'.. had to
so i'm like What in the world.. where is this guy?? where's ate?? that's ridiculous.. u don't just leave the water running a fountain spewing everywhere...
so i head upstairs as ate is coming down i tell her and she says i'll deal with it now...
apparently the guy isn't an actual plumber...
M - Oh my!
B - oh.. and I make the connection... the flooding in both areas came from the same problem.. someone turning the water on.. water that i had shut off.. they had to have turned it on and left it
THE PLUMBER!!
i realize .. it WASN'T KIM.. it was the plumber for both of them!!!
M - oooooo...that was not good
B - Kim repeats... but she never repeated the water.. i kept wondering y she hadn't tried to turn it on again.. its cuz it wasn't her
so i tell ate that.. so thats y she's so furious.. he left several floods
M - i bet her bp was out the roof!
B - so then i check on the kids eating lunch.. balong has gotten the ketchup bottle and completely finished it off with just him and jr... a TON of ketchup.. ugh.. balong.. u r no longer allowed to touch the ketchup.. u ask an ate next time.. i tell him
so i'm in the middle of cleaning that up.. not 2 minutes after i have left the flood..
so.. my shift is now over.. well it was supposed to be over 20 minutes ago.. but the next caregiver was late coming in.. but she finally makes it and i head to see the damage to my room
the plumber is there.. to fix the problem.. again
M - uh-oh...
B - so i head upstairs and eat lunch.. after lunch the plumber is no longer in my room but .. there is still water in the floor of the room.. thanks for cleaning the mess u made sir.. no problem, tho.. i've been cleaning floods all day.. whats another one
so i start cleaning...
then i realize... well.. its under our bed too.. so i go to move our bed.. our bed is bigger than the toddlers...
so i finally get it all cleaned up and then L helps me put the bed back again
then we have to head to sm the mall and get some errands for ate, so we do that and the rest of the day goes by..

At this point in our conversation, my Momma had to leave to run some errands, so I email her the rest of the day.. here's the email:

.. so we ended the day by just hanging out upstairs for a long time, I had to go downstairs and get my phone and as I was getting closer to our door, I slipped and almost fell.. I looked to see what I slipped on... water?? where is that comin.. oh crap! I flung open our door to see our WHOLE ROOM covered in about an inch of water!! The toilet had started a full blast fountain again, and this time we didn't catch it.. the water was everywhere.. i rushed to shut the water off AGAIN and ran upstairs to tell Ate.. some of the guys and the monsters came down and helped us clean everything up.. it was quite an ordeal as there was SO MUCH WATER!! so.. for now.. the toilet is staying shut off.. the sink and the shower work, and we can use the toilet, just have to wash it using a pail of water.

So.. that was the story on Wednesday... and this week has had several other factors added in also. Just to finish the story, some of GH's own 'plumbers' were able to fix our CR and we've had no further issues with major flooding. Then today the concrete was poured for GH's second floor of the building expansion. This is a true miracle and gift from God. Ate has been praying for the land and the building for years!!! And today the 2nd floor concrete was poured...we watched a prayer being answered as the workers are pouring and smoothing it out! That's amazing! We are also renovating the kitchen of GH on the first floor and Ate tiled it this evening!! Oh, and this afternoon we had 25 filipino college students here that are going to start a music program with our kids at GH!! So exciting.. but also so many people = a little bit of chaos! But the kids had so much fun and really enjoyed everything.. besides ... what fun would life be without a little bit of chaos???

~ To God Be the Glory!!!

Ms A!

2010-07-31T07:21:00.005-04:00

Abegail... my oh my.. where to start the next post in the series?? Ate C had gotten Abegail 2 days before my team and I arrived at GH last summer in June 2009. I remember when I first saw her... she was sitting in the exersaucer and was this tiny little thing, but her blank look was what I remember most. She just stared and watched the other kids...she was so not used to these surroundings. The life she was used to was quiet and little attention, little nourishment... she was used to being neglected, now with all of these other little kids running around, she didn't know really what to do. She was so weak, she was 16 months old and couldn't sit up. Whenever I or anyone else would pick her up, she would spread out her arms and legs and hold on for dear life. She was starved of attention.

And now for the ... "Today" section... TADA....

"Thank you.. thank you.. please... keep it coming!" haha!

This little girl, AbbyGirl, as I have nicknamed her, has the most spirit I've ever seen. She is mischevious, bold, sneaky, smart, cuddly, bullying, adorable, loving, sweet, loud, stubborn, and throwing a fit... all within the first 10 minutes of waking up! She is an absolute handful, but she is an absolute blessing at the same time!

Can't you just see the mischief in her eyes??

She, as many of them, never ceases to make me laugh every day! She has so much life in her, its miraculous how food, water and love will transform a child...who'd have thought?? (Please note the extreme sarcasm.)

However, with all that life in her also comes a bit of a drama queen, and we are currently in the process of reigning in the temper tantrums (you have to love working on a daily basis 9 babies that are all in their 'terrible two's'...) and she is actually doing very well, she's starting to really get that she is not allowed to turn into a fish and start flopping on the ground when she doesn't get her way.. oh and those little kicking of the legs when she gets mad... that is stopping too. But one thing that I'm really coming to realize is that its through the disciplining in the midst of a temper tantrum and then seeing her come through it and being able to love on her and say, "Ok, now that that is over, let's go play." and seeing her learn.. seeing her eyes ponder whether or not to go for the ground flopping like a fish.. or to just go play when something doesn't go her way... to see her thinking through it and then watching her run off and play...that is why I'm here! To love her, to SHOW her that God loves her, and to possibly help mold her in the direction of becoming a Godly young woman. And its during those battles of wills, when she decides to throw tantrum after tantrum after tantrum after tantrum in one day... that's where the bonds are being made. I love her, and all the kids, so much, I love them enough to stick through the tantrums and to demand that they behave better than that... and they see it...that's why my legs get ambushed whenever I walk into the Toddlers' room... and I love every minute of it!

Here are a few more pictures of my adorable AbbyGirl! Enjoy!

Still a CuddleBug!

Isn't she adorable??? How could you not LOVE that smile??

I love the LIFE in her eyes!!

Dear LORD, I thank you so much for Abegail's precious life. I thank you for Ate C and Gentle Hands, that she was rescued and given a second chance at life. I thank you for allowing her to thrive at GH and grow to be an absolutely beautiful child! LORD God, please continue to watch over her life. I know that You have a plan for her, I pray that you would raise up now a forever family for this precious child, that she would be raised in a family that she knows without a doubt that she is loved by her family, and by You her Creator and Savior! I thank you for the abundace of blessings you pour on me each day through Abegail and the other children at Gentle Hands. Thank you LORD! Amen.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Hey...

2010-07-31T06:33:00.004-04:00

So, every day when I go down to the Toddlers and see them and they swarm my legs and yell "Hiya!!" or "HIIII!!" or whatever they want to say as a greeting for that day, I most always respond to each of them either "Hi (name of child)!" or more often "Hi baby!"

Well this past week, I walked down through the play area and Augustine, oh my precious little boy that is starting to love talking, looks at my from where he's playing and with a smirk and about as much game that can come from an almost-3-year-old says, "Hey baby.."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Have I mentioned that I love these kids!?!?! They make my heart so happy! I love watching them grow and discover new words and phrases!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Ms. J

2010-07-17T10:17:00.007-04:00

Ok, so next up in the series, Ms Jonalyn! I remember the night before we got Jonalyn, we were gathered in devotions at Gentle Hands and Ate told us about a little girl in Malabon that was going to die if we didn't get her soon. They had been trying for months to get her, the social services knew about the case but wouldn't force the removal of the child.. although the child was obviously going to die if not removed from the home. We had a special night of prayer that night, we didn't even know the little girl's name. We prayed that God would rescue her, that He would allow us to get the little girl, that He would be glorified through all. We prayed, we prayed with faith, but in the back of our minds.. we knew it might take this little innocent life dying to make the community wake up the treatment of their children.. we prayed that her life wouldn't be needed for that realization to hit home.

We went the next morning to Malabon for our weekly outreach...and, as Ate was walking through the windings of Malabon, the father walks up and hands the baby to Ate, "Here.. take her."

If that is not a miracle, if that is not the workings of prayer then I don't know what is!!

When we rescued Jonalyn, she was 15 months old and weighed a whopping 9 lbs. She had tb, worms, and was stained in dirt and was so weak she could barely sit up.

Today... she is absolutely beautiful! She has a cute little round tummy, just as a precious sometimes mischevious 2-year old should. Just the other day, last week I believe, she learned a new word... bahot, which means stinky in Tagalog. Well her and Augustine were both learning this word and had fun informing me that Raphael was bahot (had a poopy diaper.. thanks guys), so I'm trying to tell them to be nice and not call others bahot, when Jonalyn (who is in the process of potty training) looks at me with the saddest most innocent eyes and says slowly, "Ate... bahot." as she points to herself. I quickly told her it was ok as I scooped her up and ran to the CR (bathroom)... we were a little late.. but it was so adorable to see her look up at me almost embarassed and point to herself.. bahot. Too cute!

Jonalyn is currently learning new words and just enjoying life as a sweet lovable toddler! Every morning I look forward to her big snuggly hugs and kisses, she is such a sweetheart, especially with the rough start she had in life. Her and Abegail are best buds, and as I call them, my Double Trouble Duo. They are both so so silly, adorable and 'slightly' mischevious, always together.

I love this picture of the 2 (or 3, with Augustine in the background) of them. It so catches their personalities. Jonalyn and Abegail always together, but always with Abegail leading and in charge and Jonalyn just kinda going with it and saying, "Ok Abegail.. sure.. let's go for it. Might as well.." With Abegail the whole time yelling, "AHHHH!!! Ready or Not...HERE WE COME!!!!"

Oh how I love these kids!

Dear LORD, I thank you for the miracle that is Jonalyn's life. I thank You for how You worked so evidently to rescue her a year ago. I am awed at how You have renewed her and brought her from a dying lifeless baby, to a beautiful bouncing toddler. Continue to watch over her Father, continue to guide her and lead her till one day she can understand the immense love that You have for her. I pray for the day that she would realize who You are, that You are her Savior, that You are her Guide, her Rescuer, her true and loving Father!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Mr. A!

2010-07-08T09:39:00.006-04:00

So, things have settled down a little bit here at GH. Ate is home, lifting much stress off my shoulders, visiting teams have gone home, the kids are in school during the day, settling into a fairly steady daily routine. So, as my last posts have shown, my blogging inspiration is coming straight from the mouth of my kids that I work with every day. So I figured I'd start a series of posts letting you all have the wonderful pleasure of getting to know the darling children that God uses to bless me every single day!

Since I've been working with our toddlers for the longest, I'm going to start with them and who else to start with other than Mr. Augustine!

Oh.. where to begin with Augustine. When I first met this little guy back in summer 2009, we called him our little old man, because he acted so old. He would stare at you, studying your face, taking everything about you in...in a way judging you to see if you would meet the requirments to be his buddy... everybody always passed as his heart is HUGE, he loves everyone! Last summer, he never spoke.. even when you asked him a question, he would never answer... he would simply point. That was his trademark, ask him a question and he looks at you and up goes the arm with his index finger looking you straight in the eye! Adorable!

But in the last 7 1/2 months... he has hit his talking stage! What a delight to witness him during this precious time! He knows my name, and delights in calling me "Bittneey" ... quite bold since all the other kids and other caregivers refer to me as 'Ate Brittany' (Ate is a term for respect meaning older sister). The caregivers have been trying for weeks to get him to say Ate saying 'no, that is ATE Brittany.' ... Each time he looks at me and says, "Bittneey" ... and laughs, melting my heart!

Quick Story: This afternoon I was on duty with the Big Kids (ages 4 and up) and had to run in the Toddlers' Room for something. I walk in and they all start yelling, "Hi!" "Hey!!!" "Ate!" and then there's Augustine's voice, "Bittneey!!", I say Hi to my babies as I go to achieve my mission of, I believe I was grabbing the thermometer, and am headed back out.. but the whole time, as the others have calmed down, "Bittneey... Bittneey! Bittney.. Bittneey.. Bittneey!" is continued to be yelled out as he is following me around the room and as if with some urgency, so as I'm reaching the door to go out, I turn to him and answer his repeated beckoning, "What sweatheart?" He looks at me, gives me an adorable little smile and says softly, "Hi..." AWWW!! I then left.. after getting a kiss and hug from him of course!

Oh my sweet boy, I love you more than you will ever know! May God continue to watch over you and protect your path through this life! I know He has big plans for you, as He has already brought you through so many obstacles in your young life! I pray He reveals Himself to you in His timing and that you come to depend on Him for everything in this life! I love you Augustine!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Conversations with kids...#1 (I'm sure there will be many more to come)

2010-07-03T02:32:00.005-04:00

Me and G - Taygaytay - Jan 2010

So, I've been meaning to blog about this for a while now, and am just now getting around to it. About a week or so ago, I was on shift downstairs with the 'big kids' but with 5 in public school and 2 pairs of 2 in school here at GH, the morning shift is pretty laid back with not much excitement, which is great because it allows me to talk and spend some good one on one time with the few kids that I'm in charge of in the mornings.

One of those kids is G, pictured above and at the top of my blog. G is about 7 years old I believe and loves asking questions. There was music playing one particular morning that me and G were sitting on the couch in the play area and talking and I wasn't really listening to what song was playing when G looks at me and asks, "What's sin?"

Oh boy.. ok .. so.. I try my best to explain what sin is... "Sin is when we disappoint God or go against what He wants. Its like when we are bad or do bad things." I go on thinking about how to put it so that she will understand the weight of sin and the weight of what Jesus did, because you can't very well explain sin without explaining that Jesus paid the price for our sin...so.. "But Jesus came and took our sin. Like... it's kinda like when we are bad.. like say you do something really bad and you should get a spanking.." She interupts me rigth there smiling as she's thinking about all of this and she asks, "Wait....who's giving me the spanking??" "Well, that's not really the point, the thing is, you've done something really bad, and you need to get a spanking as a punishment for what you did.. but Jesus, Jesus came and took your spanking, he took your punishment. That's what Jesus did when He came and died on the cross, He took our punishment for things that we did." Again, I'm trying to put this on a child's level so she can grasp the weight of it all.

I'm kinda holding my breath, wondering what the next question would be. I wasn't expecting, her looking at me, seeing the wheels turning in her head, she cocks her head and says, "So... Jesus gots a spanking??" (Didn't see that one coming...HAHAHA!) Umm... well, "Well, sorta,.. kinda... in a way, yes. But Jesus got much more than a spanking, He came and He died for us. Jesus was the only person to ever live that didn't sin. Everyone else has sinned, we all have sin in our lives. But Jesus came and He took our sins, He came and took the punishment for our sin."

She looks at me and I see the questions forming, not knowing what they will be, I see them coming, "You? You have sin Ate Brittany??"

"Oh yes Sweetie, I have lots of sin."

She still looks as if she's trying to take it all in, "What about Ate Jordan,.. and Ate Kyla? Do they have sin?"

"Yes, they have sin as well. We all have sin, everyone has sinned."

"Even Ate Char?? What about Kuya Evan??"

"Yes, even Ate Char and Kuya Evan have sinned."

At this point, she was still thinking and taking it all in, when our one on one time had to end. I'm looking forward to this next week, when I get to talk to G some more! Who knows what questions will come next!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Whew... ok... now where were we?

2010-06-29T06:58:00.005-04:00

So the past month has been insane! Mid-May I picked up my good friend Jordan from the airport! Me and Jordan met last summer in the Philippines when we were both paired to work on the same team at GH, along with Kyla and Courtney. I was thrilled and looking foward to being able to reunite with Jordan and Kyla this summer! (Courtney was called to stay home and do missions in the US this summer.) June started off with me, along with Jordan this time, heading back to the airport to pick up Kyla. A few days later, we were heading back to the airport again to pick up our first team of the summer, a team of 21 from Americans stationed in Japan. The team was wonderful and helped out alot at GH, but anytime you are partly responsible for a team, it gets a tad stressful, and 21 is alot of people. Team Japan was to stay 10 days, and a few days before they left, we welcomed our second team, a team of 9 from TX. The two teams overlapped for a couple days, so there for a while we were hosting 30 people. Transporting 30 people, along with our people, the staff, the guys, the white girls, the monsters...etc, takes alot of coordination, a packed jeepney, a packed Kia, a packed Crosswind, and a packed Frontier, basically 4 very big vehicles packed. Team Japan headed out and Team TX finished out their 10 days. All in all, the teams faced some very unexpected circumstances, multiple breakdowns, vehicles getting stuck, outreaches in monsoons, etc., but the teams did so good!! They accomplished so much and were part of the planting of so many seeds for God's Glory! A few days before the TX Team headed out, Ate headed out as well, out of the country, for a couple weeks.

And within the next few days, 12 of our kids and 2 of our older kids (both age 17) started public school, which means, girls getting up at 4:30 to be at GH and ready to work by 5. Kyla getting the kids awake and dressed for school, Me getting 14 lunches ready, and Jordan accompanying 12 kids to school. Getting up at 4:30 AM makes for a very very long day!

To say my head has been spinning, would be an understatement. There have been so many ups and downs, yet ... no major crisis! Praise the LORD!!

LORD, Thank you so much that You are faithful! You are faithful to give us everything we need, exactly when we need it! You give us energy; You give us strength; You give us wisdom; You give us life; You give us a reason to live. You are faithful, even when we are faithless. Thank you LORD!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Kim

2010-06-26T10:53:00.005-04:00

I forgot to add a pic of Kim for my last post.. so here it is! Here is someone's baby girl:

~ To God Be the Glory!

The Story of a girl...

2010-06-16T07:19:00.009-04:00

Kim was found... at 3 years old she was found abandoned in a field. She was so close to death, Ate wondered if it was worth the fight to try and save her... yet ... she tried...and by a miracle of God, Kim lived. However, without knowing her past and with the effects of severe malnourishment, Kim had some major delays and began showing signs of autism. When I first met Kim, she was smart... the caregivers assumed because of her mental delays that she was retarded and helpless...and she knew it.. and used it. She knew exactly how to get away with anything. Me and our team began working with Kim and holding her responsible and correcting her actions and teaching her sign language... and she became a new child. When I came back in December, I resumed working with Kim. I had her using the potty regularly, and began really working with her on listening and obeying directions. Through the course of the months, we had several battles of the wills... seeing who was more stubborn. (I won.) The most memorable being when I fought for an hour to put Kim's hair in a pony tail... I wanted Kim's hair up and out of her face and Kim wanted her hair down and a mess. Everytime I would get it to the point of putting the ponytail holder in.. she would drop to the floor and go limp like a fish... let go of the hair.. and she was fine. Eventually I caught on...and I started playing too. When she went down and dropped to the floor... I dropped to..I rolled when she rolled. She didn't like that very much... but after 50 minutes she had a ponytail in; it was the messiest ponytail you've probably ever seen... but it was in. She then stood up, looked me straight in the eye and in an instant reached up and yanked it out. I turned her around and we started round 2...10 min later.. ponytail #2 was in. She stood up, looked me in the eye... and left the ponytail alone. I said, "Thank you Kim." and gave her a big hug... she hugged me right back.

That was one of the big defining moments in our relationship, where we really figured out who was going to be running the show. I became Kim's person that when she was in the middle of throwing a temper fit for the on duty caregiver, I could walk in and say "Kim, that's enough, stop now." and she would look at me and get herself together and that would be the end of it. I've seen her go from a true wild child to a happy behaving little girl... and then today we got some news...

... KIM HAS BEEN MATCHED WITH HER FOREVER FAMILY!!!! No longer is there 'prayerfully' or 'hopefully' a family... she has officially been matched today.. SHE HAS A FAMILY!!! This is something that I have been praying for months for! I have been praying that the Lord would have a special family out there for Kim...and today she was matched with that family! Praise the LORD this is truly a miracle that we have been praying for!! Oh our God is so good and faithful!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

New Baby MJ!

2010-06-05T11:10:00.005-04:00

This is our newest addition to Gentle Hands, Mary Joy (MJ) was born Wednesday morning. I got the text to be expecting her arrival at about 4:10 AM Wednesday morning and went and picked her up at 9 AM from the midwife's birthing clinic where she was born. She is just precious, a beautiful little angel from God!

Look at all that hair!

A tiny little smile on her first day in this world!

Sleeping soundly on the way home!

Welcome little MJ!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

BarlowGirl - Here's My Life [HQ]

2010-05-17T08:50:00.002-04:00

Here's My Life by Barlow Girl

Once again I said my goodbyes
To those who I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home
'Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life

On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard You are worth it all

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more, here's my life

What is yours???,,,, Um...nothing?

2010-05-08T02:06:00.006-04:00

I have been debating whether to post this or not, but have decided to do so, on the account that there might be others struggling with the same things I am, others that might be contemplating a life in missions, this is my life. I'm not posting this to get people to feel sorry for me or for attention. This post is simply me,.. being very vulnerable, sharing what God is doing in my life.

This is my life here... let me introduce you to some of my barkada (Tagalog for gang or group of friends you hang out with):

This is me and Christian, Christian plays the drums at church, but he can also play guitar and sing.

This is Jayson, Jayson plays the guitar in morning worship at church, but he can also play the bass and is learning the drums too, oh yea.. he can sing also.

This is Dennis, he is the best dancer I think I have ever seen. He's very good at organizing special numbers for the youth group to do in front of church.

This is me, with Kristine and Dennis. Kristine sings.

This is Brent and a little bit of Dennis. Brent plays bass and sings in the morning worship.

These are only a few friends of mine from church, there are many more, and many more talents to go along with them. I'm so grateful the Lord brought me to this church and these great friends. They are super nice and its been great getting to know them... however in the process of getting to know each other, there is one question that seems to pop up alot, "What is your talent?" ... Notice that all of them have 'things' that they are good at, they all have talents. My reply to this question, "Um...I don't really have any talents.." And believe you me, Satan knows how to jump on an answer like that. Another question, one that generally follows the first, is "Well, what are your hobbies? What do you do?" ... I'm stunned again. Because I stop and think, and ... hmmm... what do I do for fun? Surely I did something back home... I went to work, and I went to school and I hung out with friends... but did I ever do anything. I'm coming to the realization and am finally answering, "I don't ... really.. have any hobbies." At home, I liked to cook, but it wasn't a talent. Hmm... the only thing I do is .. I play with kids, I take care of babies, that's my lone and simple talent and hobby rolled into one... and some, probably many, would argue,... that't not exactly a talent or a hobby, its kinda my job...

So, this, my lack of talents and hobbies, has been on my mind alot lately, and as I mentioned before, Satan definitely knows how to attack a girl on her weak spots, and self-confidence is definitely my weakness. Add in the new fact that I lack hobbies and talents and am surrounded by talented people... and add the devil in there.. it gets rough. But bring in God and his faithful promises and you get the verse that I came across in my quiet time. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Praise the LORD that in my utter weakness, He is strong. Even though I am nothing, He loves me and shines through me. Even though I have no talents, He can do anything and He can use me to do anything.

I have nothing to boast of but Jesus.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Sometimes I just miss...

2010-05-06T07:02:00.012-04:00

If you've read much of my blog at all, you know that I love the LORD, I love the Philippines, I love the children I work with, I Love my life here in the Philippines. That, I hope is obvious to anyone who visits my blog. This, and probably the next post, is not a complain post. This is just reality. There are people out there, who may be reading my blog, who may be considering life in missions. GO FOR IT! But at the same time, know.. its not easy, its not warm and fuzzy all the time, there are many struggles and many personal battles along the way.

As much as I LOVE THIS LIFE that GOD HAS CALLED ME TO... there are things that I miss...

I miss road trips and being TOTALLY SILLY with my best friends, driving with the music blaring and the windows down on a nice summer evening!!

I miss cooking dinner for my family, which is what I had done when this picture was taken. I had cooked dinner for my family and both sets of grandparents.

I miss my Momma Dates and My Daddy-Daughter Dates (usually to a LOUISVILLE FOOTBALL game). These pictures are me and Momma's pedicure date and me and Daddio at a football game!

I miss the family gatherings.. you know the kind.. when there always has to be a dozen group pictures. (I'm thankful for the group pictures now)

I miss just 'hanging out' with the 2 best 'best friends' a girl could ask for.

I miss getting super dressed up and going to dinner (when the big things were... how am I going to do my hair???)

I miss being silly with my Momma! (Mother's Day 2009)

I miss the memories I made.

I miss the 'normal' food and dinner talks that I was used to.

I miss being able to 'tell' (as in speak) my Momma everything, whether late at night or in the wee morning hours when I would get in from UPS. (Easter 2009)

I miss hanging on my Daddy's arm.

I miss joking around with MY Bub. (I'm realizing how special the bond we have is and how no one else can have that relationship with him that I have. He is MY Bub (brother) and no one else's... yes I might be getting a tad possessive)

I miss the fun family things.

I miss Moziek! (And Mattie and LouLou of course!)

One of the things I miss the most...

Bub's BEAR HUGS!

Sometimes I just miss it...

But I wouldn't trade. I couldn't trade.