Quiet

The past year has been chaotic in reality but very quiet here at 'Simply a child of God', and for now, I foresee it continuing to be quiet.  The LORD has been leading and guiding me, but I feel that for this season, this time is to be sacred and between me and the LORD.

I thank you all, for those of you that still check back for updates now and again, for your support and encouragement over the past 4 years.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Goodnight 2013.

A conversation from earlier (after my grandmother and I were saying goodbye and discussing ''Happy New Year''s):

Grandma: Happy New Year.. It has to be better than 2013. 

Me: Has to be. 

Such true words.  Not sure I've ever had a harder year than 2013.  So much change, so much grief and mourning, so much 'valley-ness'.  

The storm is only for a season they say, but some storms leave trauma and permanent scars.  Scars that, no matter how much time passes, refuse to heal.

~~~

It is almost 9:30 PM on December 31, 2013 and for the last 1 1/2 hours I've suddenly hated that tonight is the night I have to stay awake till midnight.  And just now I have made the decision ... I'm going to bed.

I normally love staying up bringing the new year in, a little sentimentally to be honest.  Normally I don't think about the past year being good or bad, but just over too soon.  Not this year.  This year I am not staying up to see the year out.  I'm not welcoming in the new year.  I'm simply going to sleep and going to wake in 2014.

Because it has to be better than 2013.



Goodnight 2013, Happy New Year Everyone!

~ To God Be the Glory!

To believe or not to believe the lies...Overwhelmed.

Something I never expected to happen again... is happening.

I've registered for classes for this upcoming semester and I am here living in the US, finishing my degree up.

Living in the US.

I never expected to be back 'living' here and not just 'visiting'.

It's an odd feeling.

It's easy to look around at all the others my age having kids, getting married, (many also getting divorces), getting dream jobs... it's very easy and feel the pressure; to believe the lie...I'm so behind.

It's easy to see others rushing to the field and to believe the lie... I did that.. but I must have failed since I'm back.

It's easy to look around, living in my room in my parents' house and to believe the lie ... still living at home at 23... how pathetic.

It's easy to look around and see all my once so so close friends moving on with their lives, lives that seem so so completely separate from mine and to believe the lie...you left and they moved on.

It's easy to look around at the friends you expected to have when you came home and realize that they don't place the same value on the friendship that you had... it's easy then to believe the lie...you are totally and completely alone.

I look around and there is so much discouragement surrounding and many insecurities whispered into my ear.

There are times when I catch myself believing some of the lies. . . but then I remember.

I remember what actually happened.  I remember The Voice that led me thus far.  And HE has not led me this far to forget me now.  He will not leave me now.

Some of the lies still linger, some of them I know hold some truth, but I have let go of them.  The truth that is there has nothing to do with me.  I am thankful in knowing this was not of my doing, but of my obedience.

For years, my prayers have included the phrase ''LORD, You are all I need; You are enough.  Your grace is enough.''

And I think I'm beginning to understand that cry a little better as He continues to mold and shape me.

I'm beginning to realize what that prayer will sometimes look like in reality.  I'm seeing that though it was easy to pray that years ago, it is something else to abide in the truths of it.

And I see that in that, there is a choice.  Will I succumb to the lies and turn inward in self-pity, will I turn to the depressing darkness that I can feel Satan whispering from?

Or will I live as if I truly believe what I prayed for so many years?

And then... it is in that pause of realizing I have a choice... that is when I realize.. isn't this what FAITH is ALL ABOUT!?  And just like that... I take a deep breath in... knowing that He sees ALL.  He has brought me through this and used this life to help my faith.

Which then leads me to the thought that the LORD, the Creator of all Heaven and Earth, who spoke everything into existence has seen me; has formed me; has noticed me and has intentionally carried me through these unimaginable heartaches.

Emphasizing there that HE CARRIED ME THROUGH.  Unimaginable heartache...yes.  But instead of dwelling on the circumstance, I want to dwell on the CARRYING.  The act of my Heavenly Father, God over ALL, singling me out and intentionally carrying me through the heartaches that come with a sinful and an oh-so broken world.

And I spend hours, days, weeks, months trying to grasp that truth and at after months of thought on this topic my conclusion... Awe.

I come in complete awe of His love, His majesty, His power; complete and utter awe of who HE IS.  And knowing that my comprehension...is not that.  I can NOT comprehend Him.  My mere human mind is simply not capable...but the feeble grasp my mind has.. is mind blowing.

After months of serious thought and wonder... I am so thankful that I serve an Overwhelming GOD and not a god that can be overwhelmed!

~ TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

Memories

As I re-adjust back to life on this side of the world, often times someone will say something or I'll see something and a flood of memories come back to me from the past 4 years.  And every time I savor that memory.  I let it run its course and for a split second, I'm back.

These are the memories I don't want to lose.  They are not big or fancy or detailed, but they were my life. So I'm going to start writing and posting them, just as a way of documenting and remembering them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm at the end of the day.  I have 11 toddlers still tossing and turning and finding that 'just right' spot in their bed.  Some are not ready to sleep, but ready to talk or play.  But all are really exhausted, wether they are ready to admit it or not.  I have chores to finish up on, some cleaning, tidying up the room, putting away clean laundry, etc., and knowing their need for rest, I sing.  I sing the song I've sang for many months now.  The song that soothes and comforts while speaking truth. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

I open my eyes and my mental story time has come to a close.  I'm surrounded not by little beds, but rows of chairs.  No longer in a foreign land, but a KY sanctuary.  'Amazing Grace' has been sung, as is the tradition after taking the Lord's Supper, and with it's end, the congregation is dismissed.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Waiting and Healing

In the quiet there is healing.  Healing that comes not from man or from my own thoughts, but from Him; The One who created me; The One who called me.

He leads and I follow.  And I know that it is in Him alone that healing comes.  He has taught me that before and I know that it is He alone that I can trust.

So I will wait.

I will wait for Him to show me the next step.  And while I wait, I will trust Him.   I will trust that the healing is happening.  Even when it's slow coming, when it's not a sudden all-better all-at-once feeling, I will choose to trust and know that He is faithful to heal.

I will worship and trust while I wait.

~ To God Be the Glory!

For the first time...there are words.

So... maybe it's time I break this blog silence.

It's been a hard season.

I haven't blogged in a bit, because honestly, I haven't been able to do so.  I have not the strength to do so, not the words, not the energy or emotion.

I remember when I was younger, my family went to Holiday World and I went on a ride, a fast feel-like-you're-in-a-slingshot type ride; and I remember I wasn't exactly scared when I was on this ride.  It was fast, real fast, but on this particular ride, I wasn't scared.  I just held on.  Then, the ride ended...and I got up to get off...and that's when it set in, not fear...confusion.

I feel like I'm a child again.  I feel like the roller coaster has halted, and the lock has released and I'm just left with this unreal confusion.

But this time, the confusion is not easily remedied by a parent or aunt or older cousin to lead the way.  This confusion is like the ride, it's fierce.  It comes with a vengeance; it sweeps in stealing energy, meaning, comfort, direction.

It leaves me utterly exhausted.

And as I struggle to begin to get my bearings again, I struggle and falter, and there seems to be no words for my disoriented breathless gasps that I'm left with... and in the midst of this I KNOW that I'm not alone.  I KNOW that HE and ONLY HE is faithful.  When I have no breath to utter His promises, I  hear them in my mind.  In the times when I have no energy to shout the praises, my heart cries out with them within me.

And He is faithful to provide and to help.

And part of that help comes in HE putting the perfect song to play while I'm alone. . . and there is a bit of relief to know that even though I am unable to find words, someone was able.  That someone in this case was Tenth Avenue North.

And what I've KNOWN all along now fills my room . . . and for the first time . . . there are words.



Lord... Be Glorified in ALL that YOU take me through.  May my life ALWAYS glorify You, that is my life's purpose.  

~ To God Be the Glory!

On the days when I have no idea what God is doing. . .
On the days when it feels impossible to even breathe. . . 
On days like today. . . 
God, even in the times when I'm not sure of what is going on... one thing remains.  You alone are god, You alone are good, You along are always in control. Bless the Lord O my soul. . .

. . . And slowly, very slowly. . .  I feel His Presence surround me as the tears stream. . . and slowly there is healing.

He finally won.

~ To God Be the Glory!