What if...?

I am a child.

I thought I grew up and learned my lessons, but I find myself learning anew a lesson I thought I already totally understood.

Let me back up before I get too into this and give you a little recent history.  I was thinking on a matter the other day, and my negative 'realist' thoughts kept coming along about a certain topic I was throwing around in my head.  And suddenly, it was as if the LORD pulled back the curtain to a previously hidden window; allowing light from a new angle to flood into my thought perspective.  What if...?

... (Now... put that story on the back burner and fast forward a few days to when the setting for the majority of this post deals with.)

I've written and spoken countless times about this life of sacrifice I've been called to.   I understood it.  I willingly answered the call upon my life and gave it all to follow Him, to where He called me.  All.  I knew it would involve sacrifice.  I gave it all.  Has the term sacrifice and giving it all been several times redefined with a deeper and more overwhelming meaning each time? Yes.  Was this call much more than I expected? Oh my Yes.  Am I still certain of this calling upon my life? You betcha... Yes. Am I still thankful for this calling upon my life? Yes.

I've written and spoken countless times about the pain and the heart ache of this life.  Seeing life and death on a daily basis.  Living raw.  Living at my 'limit' everyday, being on my personal 'edge' always. Seeing the true hell on earth.  Knowing the evils of this world and seeing their effect in the eyes of those I love.  Being so overwhelmed that there are some days in which parts of me emotionally shut off.

I've written and spoken countless time of the joy and blessings in the midst of all this still.  The blessing of seeing the LORD heal those I love.  The joy of seeing Him relieve those I love of their horrendous earthly suffering, and knowing they are in paradise with Him.  I've written of the joys of seeing children  restored, and successfully united with their families, their own happy endings.

I've written and spoken countless times about a song...Jesus Loves Me.  I've sang it a hundred times. This song hit me hard with my dear Pamela and sweet Jellyn, as I sang it to them daily, nightly, sometimes hourly.  I sang it to teach them the song that Jesus loved THEM.

I've rejoiced over the love my God has.. for them.  

That was always enough for me. 

I knew my life was meant for sacrifice.  I had been blessed with such a wonderful and full of love beginning in life, that now it was my time to show that love to others and tell them that Jesus loved them.  

I was taught and knew from an early age that Jesus loved us, loved me, loved everyone. 

I knew it.  But... I didn't.

And the beautiful amazing wonderful thing about having a Father that loves you is...He wants you to know... to really know and realize that He truly does love you. 

After hearing this song several times... the words began to break open parts of me.  

Part of the lyrics goes:

 I realize just how beautiful You are

And, I remember the first time I really really listened to the lyrics I thought.. Oh yes, how many times have I just been left speechless at You LORD, left in awe of Your Great Name! ... and then the song continues:

And how great Your affections are for me. 

... 

To be quite honest.. even my mind is left speechless when I hear those words.  Even now, trying to convey these emotions that the meaning behind those lyrics produces within me... words are inadequate.  There is no justice in words and syllables to explain the blinding, take-my-breath-away, unable to move, captivated yet totally lacking sense of attempting comprehension that is happening deep within my being.  

Because... it's not just the words.  It's so much more than one man's gifted and talented lyrical ability... it's because... I hear that gentle whisper within me..It's true.  I love you.  I.  LOVE.  YOU. 

He really does love me!  

I never doubted God's love for those that I work with.  I told them of God's love for them with conviction.  I knew God loved them.  I really knew of His love for them.  

And I thought I knew of His love for me...but my understanding was flawed.  I viewed it almost like I view my love for the one girl in my classes that is my friend.  I love her, she is precious.  Out of the whole class, she is one of the very view that has risked getting to know me, risked helping me when I needed it, risked ridicule from the other classmates at helping 'the white girl'.  She had sacrificed herself for me and because of that we had a friendship, and we sat together in class sometimes and occasionally texted.  While my friendship with this girl is so precious to me...there is NO COMPARISON to the love the Father has for His children, which by His grace and sovereignty I am blessed beyond measure to be counted among. 

I had always been taught that God was a God that loved us, but also that disciplined us, constantly refining us and molding us.  While that is COMPLETELY TRUE... my perspective was way out of focus.  I saw God as 'molding me and teaching me' only... using only heartache and pain and tears for me personally.  I saw every stage in life, with its pain and bittersweet moments as tools that we was using to mold me and train me for the future, ... a life full of sacrifice, which in my skewed perspective equalled more pain.  I imagined myself laid out in preparation for the slaughter, giving my life so that souls might be won for Him... but He stops the arm that coming down on me, just like the angel of the Lord stopped Abraham's arm when it was about to come down on Isaac.  The arm is stopped and instead of pain, I'm starting to realize that I've not been slaughtered, I've been rescued.  I've been scooped up into the arm of my Father, held by the body that was already broken for me and all of His children. 

I previously thought God had a tolerating and saving emotion toward me, but 'love' is so much more than that. He has affection for me.  He WANTS me.  

To revisit the opening scenario... the flow of new thought perspective continued: 

What if... God really loves me? 

What if... He is with me through all of this?

What if... instead of waiting to teach me another lesson through another let down, broken and shattered heart...what if He's on my side through it all?  Carrying me every step?

And now... now I see Him taking what He taught me last year and taking it deeper, taking me deeper, drawing me closer to Him.  He's taking lessons that I thought I knew and making them clearer, more real to me.. because He loves me enough to make me understand.  

And you know what else.. He loves you just as much!

~ To God Be the Glory!

2 years

2 years... my oh my how things change... and oh how they stay the same.

2 years ago.. I was in the biggest whirlwind of my life. I had just met my little girl, and as quickly as I met her, I said goodbye to her. It was almost in the same breath that I said my teary goodbye to my baby girl and my bright hello to the Philippines as my home.

Now 2 years later, I feel like yet again I'm in a midst of a whirlwind. About to finish my first semester of college... again. My second 'first semester' .. Once again I'm learning this new life, this new routine. Once again I'm trying to find a new normal. And the truth is... I don't want this new reality. I liked my before normal when I completely exhausted from temper tantrums, outings to the park, having outreach in the scorching sun... I loved that! THAT was what I was called to do. Now.. I'm exhausted because I'm studying for tests and adding final touches to presentations and finishing assignments. I'm doing this now.. so that I can go back to that later.

It's a hard thing to adjust to and to come to terms with.. I had to stop what I was doing and go to school...so.. that in 4 years and a degree later.. I can go back to doing exactly what I WAS doing,.. what I love! As strange as a reality as that is.. it is my reality.

My oh my.. I could have never planned this to be my reality 2 years ago. But the very powerful lessons I learned 2 years ago.. are still in effect today. Just as it was only God who was in control then... so it now also only He who holds control. Just as He held me then, so He's still here with me. Just as He was all I had to lean on then, even more so now, He is all I have to lean on. He is the only One to whom I can run.

November 10, 2009 - February 28, 2010

PS ~ I LOVE YOU

~ To God Be the Glory!

Joy of remembrance. . .

I've had a number of different blog posts rolling around in my head for weeks... finally... they will start emerging for public viewing. Enjoy:

Ate Brittany... they come and wake me up from a lazy holiday morning sleeping in.. 'someone is here. A foreigner. They are asking for you.'

I groggily switch quickly out of basketball shorts and into something a little better to meet someone in, all the while wondering who in the world is here. All the other executive and office staff are out this morning and so I go down to the front gate.

There she is standing, she's heard about GH through the web and blogs and has come to just find out a little more. Our conversation, standing on the front steps, lasted maybe 30 minutes. But the effects of the conversation are still felt vividly today. I had just the week ... well for multiple weeks before honestly, had been asking the Lord, what was He doing with me? What was I doing here? Why? ... So I tell her.. I tell her my story.. I tell her how God worked. I tell her how God spoke and how He moved.

Then on to another scenario...I've recently read her book, Katie Davis's Kisses from Katie.

Another scenario... I read the blogs about those coming/moving.

I read these stories and I remember feeling those emotions once. The feeling of 'This is it! This is where I'm supposed to be!' I remember that excited giddy feeling... and then.. I suddenly feel a new feeling.. I feel a gentle whisper... One that I've heard before ... You are STILL HERE... STILL where I have you..I'M still holding you.

And just like that ... a wave of giddiness comes over me again... 'I AM HERE... I'm still here.. ' somewhere along the way I became calloused to the idea of being where God had me.. I had forgotten that I am living the dream that HE put in my heart over 8 years ago. This life dream that I have dreamt of and fantasized over and over in my years is REALITY! ... And a new thought comes 'This is AWESOME!' ... This is joy.

This is joy.

Remembering. Remembering in the dark what was spoken to you in the light.

I remember talking to her, I remember reading her words, I remember seeing them prepare. . . And as I remember.. I remember the joy that HE gave... and the joy that an enemy has tried to cover rises to the surface with unthinkable force, a blinding light after too much time wandering in darkness. I remember and it is clear again... HE IS HERE. HE SEES ME. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.

It's a long road adjusting the sudden reemergence of light, but its oh so beautiful... Joy.

Joy of remembrance.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Tonight is not every night...

Tonight I rocked her to sleep, held her safe in my arms till her eyes finally closed.

Do all of the kids get this? No, with so many kids, there's no way for all to be rocked to sleep.

Does this happen every night? No

But tonight is not every night. Today was not every day.

It's hard to lose your best friend. Today was the first day without her A. She truly was J's A. They were a pair, belonging to each other. Never far from each other, knowing each other inside and out, knowing the other's thoughts. They arrived within weeks of each other, both tiny, frail and starved of life... and they healed and became whole again..together. They found new life together and learned to live together. They were always always together. Even the little things, like potty training and learning to walk... they did together. They were each other's constant.

As any best friend, she rejoiced with A yesterday playing with A's mommy and daddy. But now... the time of rejoicing with her friend is gone, as is her best friend of the last 2 1/2 years. Today I hear her mumbled words, telling me she misses her A. She's said goodbye to many friends over the last years, but this was not just any friend, this was her best friend, her other half.

While we rejoice with A and her beautiful and simply wonderful family, tonight we remember, tonight we hold each other because tonight both of our hearts are aching.

Tonight is not every night.

Tonight we hold dear the memories in our hearts:

~ To God Be the Glory!

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Last year, we two, brought you bloggy world a Christmas pic greeting....this year, as I was remembering last year, I thought it'd be nice to give an updated Christmas pic!

(look who's walking and starting to even run!!!)

We love you all and wish you all a Very Merry CHRISTmas!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

A season of unfamiliar.

The changing of seasons is always somewhat difficult.

Learning a new routine...yet still bonded to the routine of a time past.

The thrill of new with the ache for what has been.

The longing for the closeness that once was, but instead awaiting the days of goodbyes.

Anxiety trying to creep in about what the the new familiar might hold.

What used to be familiar gradually becoming the unfamiliar.

The changing of seasons is a season of unfamiliar, while waiting for the new familiar.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Speaking..

Just sharing a quick interesting update of today...

Yesterday was a really wet day.. wet meaning there was pouring rain, and flooding in the streets...On my way home, I had walk a couple times through water over my ankles.. it was just wet and rainy all day.

This morning, it was sunny! I was getting ready to head out the door to school, and I saw my umbrella where I put it yesterday to dry out. Oh.. I need to grab that since it's been so rainy lately. I was about to be 'running late' and was thinking where did I put that little cover bag (you all know what I mean.. the little bag that goes with the umbrella). Well.. I quickly glanced around the room looking for it...

You won't need it.

Ummm...Lord?? Did I really just hear You say that? I could hear my Daddio's advice in the back of my head telling me to always be prepared, and never fall victim to ''poor planning''. So.. Lord.. don't you think maybe..

You won't need it.

Ok. That was enough for me...I left for school kinda puzzled.

You see, when I first came to the Philippines back in 2009, I had prayed that the Lord would allow me to hear His voice and give me wisdom in discerning His voice and His will for my life. In the year that followed, the Lord answered that prayer many times over. However, lately, I had been struggling with this again. Doubting what/who I was hearing, afraid I was hearing my own self and wanting to believe what I wanted to hear.

So, for several months now, a main prayer of mine has been "Lord, ... just whisper to me. Gently whisper to me, let me know Your voice again. Speak to me, let me hear You. "

On my way to school, I thought about what I had heard and kept thinking..Lord? I'm certain that was You... wasn't it You?

I got to school and sat with some friends inside for a little while before my one class. When we came out of that building to walk to the room where our class would be held, low and behold, it was pouring rain.

Umm... Lord??

I told you, you won't need it.

And.. in typical human fashion.. "Lord... it's raining now..." It was at that point that I realized.. the room to which I was walking to ... there was a covered sidewalk leading right to the door..."The rain is gonna stop isn't it God??" I felt like a little kid that was finally understanding a grown-up conversation...

You won't need it.

Later on, I walked out of the classroom to a parking lot with small puddles all over it.. but ... as I expected... IT WAS NOT RAINING.

I smiled to myself as I walked out the school gate.

The commute is nearly an hour, riding multiple trains and walking some more before I reach my final stretch of walking outside. The clouds were dark and cloudy, waiting to release when I stepped outside from the final train station.

"Lord... I need to run stop by the store real quick before I go home.. but it looks as if it'll start to rain..", me oh my... always in typical human fashion I am, worrying, as the thought, the Lord knows I need to go to the store, He knew this morning before I even looked for the umbrella, before I had even thought about stopping by the store on the train home.. He knew. "Ok, Lord, stopping by the store it is."

I came out of the store with dark clouds and carrying a full load of bags. . .

It NEVER RAINED... yet..

as I type this... the rain is pouring outside my window. I hear the stream of water coming from right above my window. And through it all.. I never needed my umbrella, just as HE said it would be.

It was about an umbrella, nothing major, nothing big or wonderful, but oh my wasn't it!!! I'm reminded of a skype date I was able to have with my parents last night. I hadn't realized how much I had been holding things in until I was given the opportunity just to speak with them.. what did I say?? Something big or important??? ... No. I spoke about school, about my professors, about my friends, about new people I had met that week, I spoke about things that really don't affect my parents at all, but just the act of speaking to them brings us so much closer. And... I know... that they don't mind that it's not huge important things, they just want to hear what I want to say.

That's what today was for me. I'm so tickled that He spoke and whispered so clearly to me. I'm so thrilled that He ALLOWED me to hear. I'm so thankful for Him repeating it.

Lord, Thank You! Thank You for whispering to me, even something so little, but it was You speaking to me!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

A season of... really???

I've felt God gently whispering here lately. Gently telling me what was next. He knew He must be gentle.. and He knew I wouldn't want to hear it.

In fact.. I wanted to SCREAM LALALALALALALALALALALA... I don't hear You Lord... What was that?? HALALALAHHAHAHAHALALALLALALALALALALAL...

.. you know how it goes. Fingers plugged in your ears screaming at the top of your lungs, making it practically impossible to hear anything and making it that way on purpose.

Because to be perfectly honest.. I did NOT want to hear what I was thinking I heard. I did not want it AT ALL. But still.. it was there ... that feeling... that whisper... THIS is what I have for you for now. THIS new season...

I know you are all wondering what this whisper was, some big change???? A change yes, but big.. no.

I have heard, have been convicted about my attitude of NOT wanting it, and finally have come to accept it, (Now.. I'm still not to the point of being THRILLED about it... ) but I feel the Lord calling me to a season of... me.

I know alot of people won't understand this.. I was one of those people at the beginning, but I believe those words are the exact words that HE placed on my heart. I was as I said earlier, completely against this at first. I fought and fought against it. It was completely selfish I thought. Never would I settle for a 'season of me' when there is still so much to be done, so much suffering. Instead I ached...(and believe me.. I STILL ache)... to open my heart and life to a little one. I had been counting down the months... and now I watch, a silent tear finding its way down my cheek, as that dream is put several years in the future... I accept, my heart literally breaking in my heart, that God has other plans for me. I fight the disgust that constantly tries to arise within me at this thought of this 'season of me'. And once again, I'm finding that the plan I had for my life... is far from what He has, and once again, I'm left not knowing what will happen.. again.. but this time, it seems a little more major. That feeling tries to come with more panic this time, more fear this time.

As part of this plan, the LORD was gracious and allowed me some time ago to inquire of and pass the entrance exam to Philippine Christian University, here in Manila. I am now in my second week there. I have classes 6 days a week and am working towards my BSW, Bachelor Degree in Social Work.

Does this mean ministry stops completely, absolutely not! The toddlers are usually my first stop when I come in the door. I will still be doing outreach at every opportunity, but that will mainly be limited to the weekends.

What this means is that for the time being, my life will again be one of homework, studying, research and quizzes.

What this means is that my heart breaks to just be away from them during the day, every day.

What this means is that I'm stepping back from alot of what used to be, and am stepping towards this new area of my life.

What this means is that I'm working towards something that will ultimately allow me to do further ministry and work for the LORD.

What this means is that... there is still a TON that God has in store for me during this time. Much of it has not been told to me yet, some has been whisphered, but for now, I'm learning the ropes for this new season.

A season I'm still trying not to resent. A season I'm still trying to embrace.

A season of me.

We opened the curtains that morning...

I have struggled with whether or not to post this entry on my blog. This is such a private, extremely close to my heart story and part of me wanted to keep it all mine. But, it being so important to me, I knew I must share it, I must share her story, I must share the grace of God and His faithfulness that has been evident through all. You can learn more about Jellyn's story by visiting the Gentle Hands website or facebook page, where Ate C has written two posts about this precious little girl I came to love so much. Again, I pray that through all things, every word I speak, every touch I give, every blog I post.. may it ALL be to the glory of God! ~ To God Be the Glory

We had been up numerous times throughout the overall quiet night. And for some reason unbeknownst to me, the Lord inclined it upon my heart, to look to the curtain. I looked at the big windows that covered the length of the entire wall and then back to beautiful but tiny reason I was there in the room to begin with. Jellyn, as she lay in her hospital bed was staring at the curtains as well, tho she had never given them a glance before. I motioned and asked, in a language she wouldn't understand, "Do you want me to open them?" Catching my motions, she gave me raised eyebrows to indicate yes. So.. I pulled the curtains back and together we watched the sun come up over the big building next to the hospital. We watched, with the beating of the oxygen monitor in the background as color filled the sky.

We had been in the room exactly 1 week, learning how to communicate around our language barriers. She was broken, oh so broken. She had learned to rely on no one. She had a learned to wear a mask, a mask of a tough exterior, unaffected, but underneath.. oh so broken.

Once she knew that I wasn't going anywhere, that I wasn't going to harm her, she let the mask down. Underneath she was absolutely empty of love and affection. So, kisses were given in abundance, lotion mixed with love rubbed over limbs that had scarcely ever seen a gentle touch, the words that translated "I love you" were meaningfully whispered in her ear. In the moments when the pain was the worst, she would hold her arms up, longing to just be held. And so ... love was given, love was cherished, love was her's.

She had been struggling, but that afternoon the struggling took an intensifying turn. As I held her close, I saw it in her eyes, she was struggling and I felt it in my gut... it was too much. Knowing she wouldn't see the next morning, I tried to wrap my arms around her. Through her battle to breathe she uttered the words saying she wanted to be held, to sit in my lap.

I scooped her into my arms and we sat there for hours.

We sat, and we sang softly, one of the few tagalog songs I know. A song that talks of a Great and Good God, who loves us very much. We prayed. I told her that she didn't have to fight anymore if she didn't want to, that it was ok. I told her that she could go with Jesus and she wouldn't need to fight anymore. She looked at me, getting worse by the hour, and I uttered, it's ok. I kissed her cheeks for the millionth time. And then as her eyes wandered, she saw something, but it wasn't for everyone, it was just for her. With her gaze set, seeing something I was unable to see, I knew. I whispered to her... "You see Jesus don't you? It's ok... you can go. Go to Him" Soon after that, she closed her eyes and they remained.

Ate C arrived and we sat for hours in the quiet room as she went into a comatose state. Knowing the end result, we stayed just the same, we wouldn't leave her now.

We stayed by her side, my arm around her, both of us letting her know she was loved and once again, it was ok not to fight anymore. We told her it was ok to go to Jesus now.

And peacefully, she took her last breath.

I had struggled with why the Lord had not healed her.. had I not enough faith? had we done something wrong? But as we sat those last hours with her, the Lord showed me something... He had called her to Himself in Heaven the whole time, that part was never to change. I had been looking at this situation as if it were about us, it was not about us, it was about Jellyn.

Jellyn was going to heaven with or without us, but how would we want her to spend the last week of her life? How would we want her to pass? Scared, alone, unloved?

Instead the last week of her life was full of tenderness, prayer, hugs, kisses, a beautiful fluffy bear that was all her's, and all the love she wanted.

Ate C prayed with her one evening in the hospital, and Jellyn herself asked the Lord, "Lord help me, I'm having a really hard time."

Oh Sweet Jellyn, the Lord has heard your prayer, you will never again have a hard time, you will never again have to fight. You have found your peace in His arms!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Wrapping things up...

I've spent the last 3 1/2 weeks back in my hometown in the USA. It's been a needed rest. However, in a few hours I'll be on my way again, back to the place God has called me, back to my home, as much of an earthly home as I'll ever have.

People always ask the same questions: Don't you wish you had more time? Are you sad to be leaving again?

And the answer is never as easily breathed as the question itself. For I've come to find that no matter where I go in this whole world, I will always be missing someone. I will never be 'still' and 'done'. There will never be a moment when I will have everything and will want to just stay there forever. That is not who God has called me to be. He has called me to follow Him and in that He has interwoven my heart with those in many different places, many different lands. As nice as this break was, it is just that, a break, a bit of relaxation. I don't go back to "get it out of my system" and I will never finally be "done".

And because this is what God has called me to and because He has become my passion...I have suitcases packed waiting by the door and tomorrow I will again be on my way.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I never was good at art...

So, I read this post from my dear friend J just minutes ago... everything in this is exactly what God has been dealing with in my own life. I'm learning this lesson, but a month ago I was asking REALLY GOD?? I now know the answers to my questions that I have HAVE to trust Him. But this is a huge life changing decision in itself. J's words are so elegant and honest and bare and exactly .... real.

Read it HERE

I know I haven't posted in a while, I'm just laying low for a little while.

I have taken some time to return to KY for a short but much needed break. Only 3 1/2 weeks, but God is doing much in my life, I'm refocusing on Him and catching my breath.

I'll be starting a new chapter in my life when I return and I'm desperately needing to process this last year and mentally and emotionally prepare for this next chapter. I know this is what is needed, but it's so hard to be away from those precious faces.

Here's a few pics of those faces I'm missing!!! :

.. and I am overwhelmed.

Ok, so, it's been a while since I've really posted... like really. And part of that is... I was just not sure of what I wanted to say.. not sure of what I wanted people to see. I began feeling like everything that I wanted to share.. was all too much, too pessimistic for a public blog. I don't like to dwell on the negative, hard times, but all too often that's exactly what I do. I know you're supposed to 'be real' when blogging, and I have been completely real in the past, but lately I've felt a sudden urge and need to have 'my' emotions and 'my' feelings be all 'my own'. I can't exactly explain, but I wanted this privacy and I think that may have come with other emotions I was experiencing.

But for today... I want to be real again. To put my heart out there again and expose my life again. And know that even writing this... I contemplated several times just saving it to drafts and leaving it there. This is my heart.

For starters... let's just get this clear.. I have issues. But... come on, who are we kidding... don't we all have our issues?? (Or.. maybe I'm the only one, and that's ok.. but I highly doubt it.) One of those issues is a low self-image. And here lately I've really been dealing with intense loneliness feelings. I know.. in a house of so many people, how could you possibly feel lonely. But the feelings were there and they were very real.

I felt that I was just here, that the people that I had become intensely bonded to, did not feel in any way that same bonding back to me. I turned all of these negative feelings back on myself and blamed myself.

Someone else should be here doing this, they would all like someone different.

I too often just get in the way.

They will only ever see me as a foreigner, an outsider that they are waiting for to leave.

They are like family to me, but they will never see me that way.

But... I don't know anything else. I was called here, but what can I do? I can't keep putting these people that I love in misery. God, are you changing my direction?? I don't really feel it, but ... What are you doing?

About a week and a 1/2 ago, a man from the church I've went to many times shared something with me, "God is going to give you revelation, something is coming that will show you how much He loves you. You really are loved, and something is coming that will help to open your eyes to how much God loves you."

I went with that thinking, "OK.. God what are you going to do?" But the next day, I got some rather discouraging news...I was really broken-hearted and the only thought that came to my mind "Lord.. this is the opposite of what was supposed to be coming my way. Lord, I'm honestly coming and telling you Lord, I don't feel Your love in this at all. I will still praise you, but this is so very painful Lord, but I will praise You because You are God and Your ways are higher than mine."

I had made the decision long ago, that whatever came my way, I would always worship, WHATEVER came my way, even if it was the most painful thing, it was always right to worship. So, with a broken heart and tears, I worshipped. Fighting the urge to scream NO!, fighting the urge to be angry, fighting the urge to ... just give up.

I found so much comfort in Psalm 143, and that became my prayer.

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;

give ear to my pleas for mercy!

In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!

2 Enter not into judgement with your servant,

for no one living is righteous before you.

3 For the enemy has pursued my soul;

he has crushed my life to the ground;

he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.

4 Therefore my spirit faints within me;

my heart within me is appalled.

5 I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all that you have done;

I ponder the work of your hands.

6 I stretch out my hands to you;

my soul thirst for you like a parched land.

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD!

My spirit fails!

Hide not your face fom me,

lest I be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,

for in you I trust.

Make me know the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD!

I have fled to you for refuge!

10 Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God!

Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life!

In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!

12 And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,

and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,

for I am your servant.

Then, September 18, 2011 happened. For a week, this was my prayer, as I also had to prepare for this date. Here in the Ph*lippines, when one has a birthday, instead of getting things and be treated, that person gives to everyone and treats others. So, for my first filipino birthday, I wanted to do things culturally proper. I planned the party, the menu, asked for help, and invited all of GH and some friends for a birthday party this past sunday.

There was so much to prepare and get ready, I knew I needed help and lots. I was nervous asking people for help, but everyone was so gracious. The day before, people were already preparing. The day of, I was on my way to run and get some last minute things... and the kitchen was full. All of the boys, girls, ... everyone, downstairs cutting vegetables, cooking, some upstairs decorating, others sweeping and getting things so clean for the visitors that were coming.

I literally could not believe it... like literally. I am a very untrusting person (another one of my issues). I COULD NOT BELIEVE that they were all doing this.. in my horrendously untrustful mind, went the thoughts, 'I'm sure when the party starts, they'll all disappear.' So, I was so happy and touched, but also so very fearful at seeing this. "There's no way, they'll do ALL of this AND come to the party" I was so fearful of them becoming resentful at having to help do all of this.. I was so scared and skeptical of the smiles and laughter, I was sure it was a mask covering up the growing resentment inside.

Once back, getting closer to the time we were supposed to start, I hesitantly asked one of the guys, "Are you coming to the party?", thinking I needed to prepare myself, I needed to know that they were going to be 'too tired' and 'too busy' to come up. "Yes, I'll be there." was the response in an 'of-course' tone. "Oh... and...??" I named off other names... "Yes, they're coming too."

"Oh, ok" was the words that came out of my mouth, but the smile that spread across my face as I went back upstairs revealed the fact that it meant much more than 'ok'.

The party started... and I was NOTHING SHORT OF AMAZED!

I am still left breathless and speechless at the thought of the outpouring of love that I felt. There were songs and dances. The kids worked so hard on songs and dances...their beautiful smiles only made my own smile bigger.

My precious Z made a dance to my favorite song, and totally ROCKED it I must say! Even the older boys, (who I was certain most of whom wouldn't be there and most certainly didn't care enough to actually plan anything (yes.. I'm so sighing and kicking myself for my untrustingness and lack of faith in now) ) They all went up front smiling and sang one of my favorite songs.. complete with motions and multiple singers! They had me laughing the whole time, no doubt laughter spilling over from my heart, I was touched to the core.

I have often said 'You either laugh or you cry'.. I have always thought this to be in regards to the sad things in life... but now I know differently... this was the first time I HAD TO RESORT TO LAUGHTER TO KEEP FROM CRYING TEARS OF JOY!

After the songs and dances, several people spoke and wished me happy birthday and just truly spoke to my heart. I have NEVER been so touched in my life.

The last speech impacted me so much, that as everything quieted as they prayed over me, after singing Happy Birthday, laughter was no longer there to hold back the tears of joy that overwhelmed me. Thanks to precious visitor to GH, we have a video, as they are praying, you can see the tears rise to my eyes as I wipe them away quickly ( I had no idea there was a video going.. .but am thankful that it was there to capture the raw and bare moment).

Not in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined a more beautiful day (asides from having my KY family there also :) ).

It was so much, that I was on emotional overload and couldn't actually process it all, but I think Ate C really helped me to open my eyes with her text, 'Now maybe you can see how much we really do appreciate and love you'. When I read that text... I just stopped. And it clicked and tears rushed to my eyes again.

The words of the man from church came flooding my mind... I felt alone and the LORD saw that and HE LOVED me enough to open my eyes. The scripture Psalm 68:6a also came to mind, "He sets the lonely in families".

This is a scripture I've known for a long time, praying it over my kids here, but I never thought to ask God for that same sort of thing. I figured, I had a family and I left them when I came to the Philippines. If family was what I was mainly focused on, then I should go back to the US and forget the calling the LORD had placed on my heart. Why should I pray for what I already had on the other side of the world, but God knew.. God knew I was longing for some type of family structure here and He had given it to me, but my eyes were not open to it.. until this past sunday. I've caught myself this week, just smiling. Running errands, walking through the mall, and realizing.. I have a dumb huge grin on my face... because they love me!!!!! Running to the grocery store walking by the spices aisle smiling silly... because they love me!!!

And I keep telling myself it over and over.. because as I said..I have issues. And Satan is trying to use those issues to tell me it's not real... but now. Now I see...they love me! And so I keep trying to wrap my brain around it... and I keep walking around silly and smiling because I am still trying to grasp all that it is... they love me!

And to think... He loves me so much more!! He brought all of this about.. just to whisper both in the midst of the laughter and beautiful chaos and in the midst of the quiet prayers and tears... I love you even more my daughter.

... and I am overwhelmed.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Funny little lessons along the way...

I know it's been way too long since my last post, nothing too big, but here are just a few little interesting lessons I'm learning along this journey.

~ Bathing extremely ticklish kids is extremely difficult.

~ It melts my heart when a certain little one has to get out of bed and come to me with arms open saying 'Kiss...' and then starts back only to come back within a few steps with... 'Oh... and hug. Hug..'. <3

~ The list of words that have had to be added to my predictive text dictionary on my phone is amusing. The words my phone never thought I would need that have been added included, among others: seizure, fecalasis, er, colostomy, dengue, hep-lock, intubation, nebulize, many medications and of course... Starbucks.

~ Listening to little ones start to grasp and use language is precious and gives me so much comic relief.

~ The absolute worst place to sit on a bus in Manila, the seat by the window directly behind the driver's seat (which is considerably lower than the rider's seat), allowing you to feel as if you are driving the huge bus in horrible traffic with no control.

~ 3 year olds give among the strongest hugs I've ever had.

~ Mango shakes should be a regular part of any diet.

~ I'm discovering how therapeutic sitting and throwing/dropping marbles down an empty closed stairwell can be, as well as a very good bonding experience.

More to come later if more come to mind. But that's about it for now.

~ To God Be the Glory!!

427

427. It another world.

It's a totally different world, but it is a world that is always open.

It is always there, forever in my heart, constantly in my mind.

Watching my kids, I often think back to my life when I was their age. All the memories, all the laughter, all the tears, all the smiles, all the hugs. The traditions, the memories, they are the place that anchors my soul. Though I know from now on, I will have multiple homes, 427 will always be the home of my memory.

I was sent out from you with more love and support than I could have ever have imagined.

I know that in my life, no matter what I face, or where I go, 427 and all that is represents will always be there. Always it will have my back. Always I can return. Always I can find shelter and rest there. And ALWAYS love.

It's a fairytale land.. truly it is. I look around and see what my kids have had to go through, and 427 is a dream.

I hold them tight, and tell them they are loved.. because oh they are. I love them so very much and the huge amount of love that I have, this love I have for them, that overwhelms even myself, is nothing compared to the immense love that Jesus has for them. I teach them to pray and to talk to Jesus, because I know that if they will trust in Him, He will take care of them forever... He will go with them wherever..

427, God blesses me immensely when He blessed me with you, you have helped to mold me into the person I am today...and you are the reason that I can let mine go. I let them go because they need what I have. As much as it hurts, I've not been given the blessing to raise them, so I must let them go, so that they may find their own version of a '4-27' that God has planned for them. That they will have that forever shelter from the world. They need to go and make their own memories and bonds that will keep them going through this life, whatever God has for them.

427, you are the reason I can let them go.

~ To God Be the Glory!!

Thank you to my family, I know this journey has not been easy on you either. When God called me, I never knew how it would change all of us. So thankful for a family that has relied and trusted in our Heavenly Father every step of the way.

Lord Jesus

The day is done, records are written, junior owies kissed all better, fights reconciled and forgiveness hugs given, bodies and bums all clean, little ones hugged, kissed and told they are loved and all are asleep...finally.

I sigh, take off the glasses that have shielded my tired hurting leaky sore eyes, my mind replays the day, once its all said and done, it seems there's no reason for the aches in my back or the drag of my eyes. I love them so much, so shouldn't it be easy to care for them? Shouldn't it be a joy? But then I think, it is a joy. It is a joy. It always has been. Then I hear him whisper, 'If it is a joy... then why are you so tired???? If it is a joy... then why on earth would you have ever even thought of losing your patience the way you did tonight....24398 different times???? If it is a joy.... you'd be a better momma to them, temporary or not...' I climb up into my top-bunk bed and I know as I climb and crawl... the LORD is not the only on that whispers.

"Lord Jesus" is my only utterance.

After uttering that precious names a few times, I'm reminded of another memory from today. Sitting with one of my new friends, Arnel, talking about how crazy it seems to get sometimes and how sometimes I feel like I just can't do it. He reminds my gently, 'Yes it is hard... but... what else? Where would these children be without Ate C and those here, like you, that love and work hard to take care of them? What would happend to them if not for this place? What would become of them then?'

And as I'm thinking and watching each child sit and eat their lunch, all being goofy, one trying to bicker with another, my thoughts become words, "That one, on the end, he wouldn't have lived, the infestation of worms combined with the 3rd degree malnutrition would have killed him. That one... well even the doctors said he wouldn't live or ever walk.. and he walked to lunch happy as could be today, that little one.. the TB would have taken her life" my thoughts continue in my head 'that one would have continued to be beaten so severely, eventually it would have killed him...'

"See..", Arnell's one words response means more than he knows.

There are days when my prayers... are only utterances. They are not long and elegant, not filled with pretty pauses but instead filled with gasps for breaths and utterance of the only hope I know "Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus.' There are hundreds of requests that I need to lay before the King, and I unload them... 'Lord Jesus.' My mind cannot be still or coherent enough to make the actual words, instead I offer the 'highlight reel' of my reality that is running through my mind, I let it go, with each exhale, with each release of my lungs. 'Lord Jesus, You see.' I release the pain, 'You feel.' I give away my insecurities, my fears, my dreams. I hand over my heart as I untangle my own fingers from the death grip they have on my biggest hopes, my deepest fear, my life goal, I give it to Him who knows already. Lord Jesus, who feels. Lord Jesus who sees. Lord Jesus who knows so much better than I do.

Oh Lord Jesus.

That's all I can utter.

I want him to live...

The last few nights have probably wrecked my back, but that's not what is important. I'm thankful for at least the metal benches to sleep on as I think back...

On our way back from the beach and we get the call a baby has been born, down syndrome and other difficulties, requiring him to need surgery for a colostomy to be put in. We are informed he's a month old and had surgery yesterday and has now developed sepsis, blood poisoning. We are informed of the hospital at which he was taken to... and we know we must act.

We are still more than an hour away, but through multiple phones and sim swapping, we start making the communication amidst other crisis and we above all we start praying, finding that he's only 2 days old.. not a month. Praying that its not too late too act.

We get home with our team of short-termers and Ate goes to help with the hospital transfer, and I go pack my bag. I, along with Jordan, will be on night duty tonight. I pack quickly, trying to remember to my last hospital duty and what exactly to pack, extra clothes, toothbrush, deodorant, book, mp3, I think that's it, as I head out the door.. I see my bible.. yea I'll need that too.

We go ahead to the new hospital to welcome the mother and others involved. We can't offer much, but just a boost of encouragement and news of relief, we will take it from here... they can rest now. We're early and spend the time in odd light-heartedness, both knowing deep down, we have no clue what to really expect but that no matter what, God is God and this is what He's called us to do. So, we talk lightly and people watch, both innerly preparing for the task ahead.

The ambulance arrives and I'm captivated by this little boy.. this tiny little being... fighting to live. Surrounded by the safety and necessity of the incubator he's in, I can only see him but ...

I'm captivated. My prayers become more personal.

He is whisked into the NICU at once. We are informed that we cannot be with him at all, but there is a waiting room down the hall. We go into the tiny room, air con (a.c.) has made it feel more like an igloo, with its metal benches.

I read for a bit, my mind not so much on the words but on a little boy down the hall. Before long, I lay over, shaking from the cold and as the prayers keep running through my mind the events of the day catch up and eventually bits of sleep find me.

We are given semi-regular updates, the morning of Day 3, Jordan heads back to pack up her things and I find myself with the whole room to myself and I find myself thinking of a little boy. I walk the hallway that is now familiar to me and I see through the drawn blinds as they care for him. I'm thankful. In that moment, I'm just thankful as I watch the tender touches of the nurses as they change him and check him.

I can barely see through the thin fabric of the shades... and I see a tiny little arm go up in the air...and the thankfulness in my heart is immediately evident by the smile across my face.

The doctor comes out and gives me an update and at the end as she's walking away, I call out to ask, 'Is there any chance at all, they can raise the blinds so that I can just see him for a little bit.'

'Yes, of course, you just have to request it, wait I will tell them' are the words that keep the smile on my face.

The blinds are raised and I'm captivated even more. My hearts is consumed with love and prayer for this babe I have never met. I ask the Lord to send His angels to watch over him and to hold him when we cannot. I'm thankful for the clear casing of the incubator that allows me to see the little hand, as soon as I say amen,... the open hand closes as if grasping an unseen hand... I know the Lord has heard my prayers, I know the angels are holding him and singing softly to him.

And my heart continues to pray... I'm captivated and, blinking the tears away, I'm overwhelmed by this feeling... of wanting something so badly...

I want him to live.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Please be prayerful for this little one as he is fighting for his life, for wisdom for the doctors and nurses caring for him and also for the financial provision so that he can continue to get the care he so desperately needs. We have no budget at all to care for this little boy... we only know that God has brought him to us and we are to care for him and fight for him, we trust God to provide the rest. Please be prayerful how God might use you in helping save this little one's life.

At the end of my rope...

It's nearly midnight... 4 minutes away to be exact. I'm laying down to sleep and talking to my Heavenly Father, and I find myself praying, Thank You LORD for this day. This wonderful day of rest... but LORD I realize that even on the days that are easy and refreshing that I'm always at the end of my rope, needing to rely constantly on You in the good and bad...

And at that point, I stopped and opened my laptop.

the end of my rope

The end of my rope.

I've heard that expression my whole life, we use it often, but.. what do it mean? What do we mean when we say we are at the end of our rope?

What does it mean to be at the end of my rope? Does it mean I've gone as far as I can go? Does it mean I have nothing left to give? Does it mean I can't do it any more?

I think so.

And I know, that tonight I'm making the decision:

I'm letting go of my rope completely.

Because I can't give anything more. I have nothing left to offer. Because I can't do it anymore... I'm letting go. Letting go of MY rope completely.

Here's to free-falling into the arms of GRACE!

Ya ready to jump with me???

~ To God Be the Glory!