What if...?

I am a child.

I thought I grew up and learned my lessons, but I find myself learning anew a lesson I thought I already totally understood.

Let me back up before I get too into this and give you a little recent history.  I was thinking on a matter the other day, and my negative 'realist' thoughts kept coming along about a certain topic I was throwing around in my head.  And suddenly, it was as if the LORD pulled back the curtain to a previously hidden window; allowing light from a new angle to flood into my thought perspective.  What if...?

... (Now... put that story on the back burner and fast forward a few days to when the setting for the majority of this post deals with.)

I've written and spoken countless times about this life of sacrifice I've been called to.   I understood it.  I willingly answered the call upon my life and gave it all to follow Him, to where He called me.  All.  I knew it would involve sacrifice.  I gave it all.  Has the term sacrifice and giving it all been several times redefined with a deeper and more overwhelming meaning each time? Yes.  Was this call much more than I expected? Oh my Yes.  Am I still certain of this calling upon my life? You betcha... Yes. Am I still thankful for this calling upon my life? Yes.

I've written and spoken countless times about the pain and the heart ache of this life.  Seeing life and death on a daily basis.  Living raw.  Living at my 'limit' everyday, being on my personal 'edge' always. Seeing the true hell on earth.  Knowing the evils of this world and seeing their effect in the eyes of those I love.  Being so overwhelmed that there are some days in which parts of me emotionally shut off.

I've written and spoken countless time of the joy and blessings in the midst of all this still.  The blessing of seeing the LORD heal those I love.  The joy of seeing Him relieve those I love of their horrendous earthly suffering, and knowing they are in paradise with Him.  I've written of the joys of seeing children  restored, and successfully united with their families, their own happy endings.

I've written and spoken countless times about a song...Jesus Loves Me.  I've sang it a hundred times. This song hit me hard with my dear Pamela and sweet Jellyn, as I sang it to them daily, nightly, sometimes hourly.  I sang it to teach them the song that Jesus loved THEM.

I've rejoiced over the love my God has.. for them.  

That was always enough for me. 

I knew my life was meant for sacrifice.  I had been blessed with such a wonderful and full of love beginning in life, that now it was my time to show that love to others and tell them that Jesus loved them.  

I was taught and knew from an early age that Jesus loved us, loved me, loved everyone. 

I knew it.  But... I didn't.

And the beautiful amazing wonderful thing about having a Father that loves you is...He wants you to know... to really know and realize that He truly does love you. 

After hearing this song several times... the words began to break open parts of me.  

Part of the lyrics goes:

 I realize just how beautiful You are

And, I remember the first time I really really listened to the lyrics I thought.. Oh yes, how many times have I just been left speechless at You LORD, left in awe of Your Great Name! ... and then the song continues:

And how great Your affections are for me. 

... 

To be quite honest.. even my mind is left speechless when I hear those words.  Even now, trying to convey these emotions that the meaning behind those lyrics produces within me... words are inadequate.  There is no justice in words and syllables to explain the blinding, take-my-breath-away, unable to move, captivated yet totally lacking sense of attempting comprehension that is happening deep within my being.  

Because... it's not just the words.  It's so much more than one man's gifted and talented lyrical ability... it's because... I hear that gentle whisper within me..It's true.  I love you.  I.  LOVE.  YOU. 

He really does love me!  

I never doubted God's love for those that I work with.  I told them of God's love for them with conviction.  I knew God loved them.  I really knew of His love for them.  

And I thought I knew of His love for me...but my understanding was flawed.  I viewed it almost like I view my love for the one girl in my classes that is my friend.  I love her, she is precious.  Out of the whole class, she is one of the very view that has risked getting to know me, risked helping me when I needed it, risked ridicule from the other classmates at helping 'the white girl'.  She had sacrificed herself for me and because of that we had a friendship, and we sat together in class sometimes and occasionally texted.  While my friendship with this girl is so precious to me...there is NO COMPARISON to the love the Father has for His children, which by His grace and sovereignty I am blessed beyond measure to be counted among. 

I had always been taught that God was a God that loved us, but also that disciplined us, constantly refining us and molding us.  While that is COMPLETELY TRUE... my perspective was way out of focus.  I saw God as 'molding me and teaching me' only... using only heartache and pain and tears for me personally.  I saw every stage in life, with its pain and bittersweet moments as tools that we was using to mold me and train me for the future, ... a life full of sacrifice, which in my skewed perspective equalled more pain.  I imagined myself laid out in preparation for the slaughter, giving my life so that souls might be won for Him... but He stops the arm that coming down on me, just like the angel of the Lord stopped Abraham's arm when it was about to come down on Isaac.  The arm is stopped and instead of pain, I'm starting to realize that I've not been slaughtered, I've been rescued.  I've been scooped up into the arm of my Father, held by the body that was already broken for me and all of His children. 

I previously thought God had a tolerating and saving emotion toward me, but 'love' is so much more than that. He has affection for me.  He WANTS me.  

To revisit the opening scenario... the flow of new thought perspective continued: 

What if... God really loves me? 

What if... He is with me through all of this?

What if... instead of waiting to teach me another lesson through another let down, broken and shattered heart...what if He's on my side through it all?  Carrying me every step?

And now... now I see Him taking what He taught me last year and taking it deeper, taking me deeper, drawing me closer to Him.  He's taking lessons that I thought I knew and making them clearer, more real to me.. because He loves me enough to make me understand.  

And you know what else.. He loves you just as much!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Joy of remembrance. . .

I've had a number of different blog posts rolling around in my head for weeks... finally... they will start emerging for public viewing. Enjoy:

Ate Brittany... they come and wake me up from a lazy holiday morning sleeping in.. 'someone is here. A foreigner. They are asking for you.'

I groggily switch quickly out of basketball shorts and into something a little better to meet someone in, all the while wondering who in the world is here. All the other executive and office staff are out this morning and so I go down to the front gate.

There she is standing, she's heard about GH through the web and blogs and has come to just find out a little more. Our conversation, standing on the front steps, lasted maybe 30 minutes. But the effects of the conversation are still felt vividly today. I had just the week ... well for multiple weeks before honestly, had been asking the Lord, what was He doing with me? What was I doing here? Why? ... So I tell her.. I tell her my story.. I tell her how God worked. I tell her how God spoke and how He moved.

Then on to another scenario...I've recently read her book, Katie Davis's Kisses from Katie.

Another scenario... I read the blogs about those coming/moving.

I read these stories and I remember feeling those emotions once. The feeling of 'This is it! This is where I'm supposed to be!' I remember that excited giddy feeling... and then.. I suddenly feel a new feeling.. I feel a gentle whisper... One that I've heard before ... You are STILL HERE... STILL where I have you..I'M still holding you.

And just like that ... a wave of giddiness comes over me again... 'I AM HERE... I'm still here.. ' somewhere along the way I became calloused to the idea of being where God had me.. I had forgotten that I am living the dream that HE put in my heart over 8 years ago. This life dream that I have dreamt of and fantasized over and over in my years is REALITY! ... And a new thought comes 'This is AWESOME!' ... This is joy.

This is joy.

Remembering. Remembering in the dark what was spoken to you in the light.

I remember talking to her, I remember reading her words, I remember seeing them prepare. . . And as I remember.. I remember the joy that HE gave... and the joy that an enemy has tried to cover rises to the surface with unthinkable force, a blinding light after too much time wandering in darkness. I remember and it is clear again... HE IS HERE. HE SEES ME. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING.

It's a long road adjusting the sudden reemergence of light, but its oh so beautiful... Joy.

Joy of remembrance.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Speaking..

Just sharing a quick interesting update of today...

Yesterday was a really wet day.. wet meaning there was pouring rain, and flooding in the streets...On my way home, I had walk a couple times through water over my ankles.. it was just wet and rainy all day.

This morning, it was sunny! I was getting ready to head out the door to school, and I saw my umbrella where I put it yesterday to dry out. Oh.. I need to grab that since it's been so rainy lately. I was about to be 'running late' and was thinking where did I put that little cover bag (you all know what I mean.. the little bag that goes with the umbrella). Well.. I quickly glanced around the room looking for it...

You won't need it.

Ummm...Lord?? Did I really just hear You say that? I could hear my Daddio's advice in the back of my head telling me to always be prepared, and never fall victim to ''poor planning''. So.. Lord.. don't you think maybe..

You won't need it.

Ok. That was enough for me...I left for school kinda puzzled.

You see, when I first came to the Philippines back in 2009, I had prayed that the Lord would allow me to hear His voice and give me wisdom in discerning His voice and His will for my life. In the year that followed, the Lord answered that prayer many times over. However, lately, I had been struggling with this again. Doubting what/who I was hearing, afraid I was hearing my own self and wanting to believe what I wanted to hear.

So, for several months now, a main prayer of mine has been "Lord, ... just whisper to me. Gently whisper to me, let me know Your voice again. Speak to me, let me hear You. "

On my way to school, I thought about what I had heard and kept thinking..Lord? I'm certain that was You... wasn't it You?

I got to school and sat with some friends inside for a little while before my one class. When we came out of that building to walk to the room where our class would be held, low and behold, it was pouring rain.

Umm... Lord??

I told you, you won't need it.

And.. in typical human fashion.. "Lord... it's raining now..." It was at that point that I realized.. the room to which I was walking to ... there was a covered sidewalk leading right to the door..."The rain is gonna stop isn't it God??" I felt like a little kid that was finally understanding a grown-up conversation...

You won't need it.

Later on, I walked out of the classroom to a parking lot with small puddles all over it.. but ... as I expected... IT WAS NOT RAINING.

I smiled to myself as I walked out the school gate.

The commute is nearly an hour, riding multiple trains and walking some more before I reach my final stretch of walking outside. The clouds were dark and cloudy, waiting to release when I stepped outside from the final train station.

"Lord... I need to run stop by the store real quick before I go home.. but it looks as if it'll start to rain..", me oh my... always in typical human fashion I am, worrying, as the thought, the Lord knows I need to go to the store, He knew this morning before I even looked for the umbrella, before I had even thought about stopping by the store on the train home.. He knew. "Ok, Lord, stopping by the store it is."

I came out of the store with dark clouds and carrying a full load of bags. . .

It NEVER RAINED... yet..

as I type this... the rain is pouring outside my window. I hear the stream of water coming from right above my window. And through it all.. I never needed my umbrella, just as HE said it would be.

It was about an umbrella, nothing major, nothing big or wonderful, but oh my wasn't it!!! I'm reminded of a skype date I was able to have with my parents last night. I hadn't realized how much I had been holding things in until I was given the opportunity just to speak with them.. what did I say?? Something big or important??? ... No. I spoke about school, about my professors, about my friends, about new people I had met that week, I spoke about things that really don't affect my parents at all, but just the act of speaking to them brings us so much closer. And... I know... that they don't mind that it's not huge important things, they just want to hear what I want to say.

That's what today was for me. I'm so tickled that He spoke and whispered so clearly to me. I'm so thrilled that He ALLOWED me to hear. I'm so thankful for Him repeating it.

Lord, Thank You! Thank You for whispering to me, even something so little, but it was You speaking to me!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

.. and I am overwhelmed.

Ok, so, it's been a while since I've really posted... like really. And part of that is... I was just not sure of what I wanted to say.. not sure of what I wanted people to see. I began feeling like everything that I wanted to share.. was all too much, too pessimistic for a public blog. I don't like to dwell on the negative, hard times, but all too often that's exactly what I do. I know you're supposed to 'be real' when blogging, and I have been completely real in the past, but lately I've felt a sudden urge and need to have 'my' emotions and 'my' feelings be all 'my own'. I can't exactly explain, but I wanted this privacy and I think that may have come with other emotions I was experiencing.

But for today... I want to be real again. To put my heart out there again and expose my life again. And know that even writing this... I contemplated several times just saving it to drafts and leaving it there. This is my heart.

For starters... let's just get this clear.. I have issues. But... come on, who are we kidding... don't we all have our issues?? (Or.. maybe I'm the only one, and that's ok.. but I highly doubt it.) One of those issues is a low self-image. And here lately I've really been dealing with intense loneliness feelings. I know.. in a house of so many people, how could you possibly feel lonely. But the feelings were there and they were very real.

I felt that I was just here, that the people that I had become intensely bonded to, did not feel in any way that same bonding back to me. I turned all of these negative feelings back on myself and blamed myself.

Someone else should be here doing this, they would all like someone different.

I too often just get in the way.

They will only ever see me as a foreigner, an outsider that they are waiting for to leave.

They are like family to me, but they will never see me that way.

But... I don't know anything else. I was called here, but what can I do? I can't keep putting these people that I love in misery. God, are you changing my direction?? I don't really feel it, but ... What are you doing?

About a week and a 1/2 ago, a man from the church I've went to many times shared something with me, "God is going to give you revelation, something is coming that will show you how much He loves you. You really are loved, and something is coming that will help to open your eyes to how much God loves you."

I went with that thinking, "OK.. God what are you going to do?" But the next day, I got some rather discouraging news...I was really broken-hearted and the only thought that came to my mind "Lord.. this is the opposite of what was supposed to be coming my way. Lord, I'm honestly coming and telling you Lord, I don't feel Your love in this at all. I will still praise you, but this is so very painful Lord, but I will praise You because You are God and Your ways are higher than mine."

I had made the decision long ago, that whatever came my way, I would always worship, WHATEVER came my way, even if it was the most painful thing, it was always right to worship. So, with a broken heart and tears, I worshipped. Fighting the urge to scream NO!, fighting the urge to be angry, fighting the urge to ... just give up.

I found so much comfort in Psalm 143, and that became my prayer.

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD;

give ear to my pleas for mercy!

In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!

2 Enter not into judgement with your servant,

for no one living is righteous before you.

3 For the enemy has pursued my soul;

he has crushed my life to the ground;

he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.

4 Therefore my spirit faints within me;

my heart within me is appalled.

5 I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all that you have done;

I ponder the work of your hands.

6 I stretch out my hands to you;

my soul thirst for you like a parched land.

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD!

My spirit fails!

Hide not your face fom me,

lest I be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,

for in you I trust.

Make me know the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD!

I have fled to you for refuge!

10 Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God!

Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life!

In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!

12 And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,

and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,

for I am your servant.

Then, September 18, 2011 happened. For a week, this was my prayer, as I also had to prepare for this date. Here in the Ph*lippines, when one has a birthday, instead of getting things and be treated, that person gives to everyone and treats others. So, for my first filipino birthday, I wanted to do things culturally proper. I planned the party, the menu, asked for help, and invited all of GH and some friends for a birthday party this past sunday.

There was so much to prepare and get ready, I knew I needed help and lots. I was nervous asking people for help, but everyone was so gracious. The day before, people were already preparing. The day of, I was on my way to run and get some last minute things... and the kitchen was full. All of the boys, girls, ... everyone, downstairs cutting vegetables, cooking, some upstairs decorating, others sweeping and getting things so clean for the visitors that were coming.

I literally could not believe it... like literally. I am a very untrusting person (another one of my issues). I COULD NOT BELIEVE that they were all doing this.. in my horrendously untrustful mind, went the thoughts, 'I'm sure when the party starts, they'll all disappear.' So, I was so happy and touched, but also so very fearful at seeing this. "There's no way, they'll do ALL of this AND come to the party" I was so fearful of them becoming resentful at having to help do all of this.. I was so scared and skeptical of the smiles and laughter, I was sure it was a mask covering up the growing resentment inside.

Once back, getting closer to the time we were supposed to start, I hesitantly asked one of the guys, "Are you coming to the party?", thinking I needed to prepare myself, I needed to know that they were going to be 'too tired' and 'too busy' to come up. "Yes, I'll be there." was the response in an 'of-course' tone. "Oh... and...??" I named off other names... "Yes, they're coming too."

"Oh, ok" was the words that came out of my mouth, but the smile that spread across my face as I went back upstairs revealed the fact that it meant much more than 'ok'.

The party started... and I was NOTHING SHORT OF AMAZED!

I am still left breathless and speechless at the thought of the outpouring of love that I felt. There were songs and dances. The kids worked so hard on songs and dances...their beautiful smiles only made my own smile bigger.

My precious Z made a dance to my favorite song, and totally ROCKED it I must say! Even the older boys, (who I was certain most of whom wouldn't be there and most certainly didn't care enough to actually plan anything (yes.. I'm so sighing and kicking myself for my untrustingness and lack of faith in now) ) They all went up front smiling and sang one of my favorite songs.. complete with motions and multiple singers! They had me laughing the whole time, no doubt laughter spilling over from my heart, I was touched to the core.

I have often said 'You either laugh or you cry'.. I have always thought this to be in regards to the sad things in life... but now I know differently... this was the first time I HAD TO RESORT TO LAUGHTER TO KEEP FROM CRYING TEARS OF JOY!

After the songs and dances, several people spoke and wished me happy birthday and just truly spoke to my heart. I have NEVER been so touched in my life.

The last speech impacted me so much, that as everything quieted as they prayed over me, after singing Happy Birthday, laughter was no longer there to hold back the tears of joy that overwhelmed me. Thanks to precious visitor to GH, we have a video, as they are praying, you can see the tears rise to my eyes as I wipe them away quickly ( I had no idea there was a video going.. .but am thankful that it was there to capture the raw and bare moment).

Not in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined a more beautiful day (asides from having my KY family there also :) ).

It was so much, that I was on emotional overload and couldn't actually process it all, but I think Ate C really helped me to open my eyes with her text, 'Now maybe you can see how much we really do appreciate and love you'. When I read that text... I just stopped. And it clicked and tears rushed to my eyes again.

The words of the man from church came flooding my mind... I felt alone and the LORD saw that and HE LOVED me enough to open my eyes. The scripture Psalm 68:6a also came to mind, "He sets the lonely in families".

This is a scripture I've known for a long time, praying it over my kids here, but I never thought to ask God for that same sort of thing. I figured, I had a family and I left them when I came to the Philippines. If family was what I was mainly focused on, then I should go back to the US and forget the calling the LORD had placed on my heart. Why should I pray for what I already had on the other side of the world, but God knew.. God knew I was longing for some type of family structure here and He had given it to me, but my eyes were not open to it.. until this past sunday. I've caught myself this week, just smiling. Running errands, walking through the mall, and realizing.. I have a dumb huge grin on my face... because they love me!!!!! Running to the grocery store walking by the spices aisle smiling silly... because they love me!!!

And I keep telling myself it over and over.. because as I said..I have issues. And Satan is trying to use those issues to tell me it's not real... but now. Now I see...they love me! And so I keep trying to wrap my brain around it... and I keep walking around silly and smiling because I am still trying to grasp all that it is... they love me!

And to think... He loves me so much more!! He brought all of this about.. just to whisper both in the midst of the laughter and beautiful chaos and in the midst of the quiet prayers and tears... I love you even more my daughter.

... and I am overwhelmed.

~ To God Be the Glory!

the worst missionary...

I'm really quite sure of it, I am the worst missionary ever. I don't actually like people... well.. I do I guess in a way, but more often than not, I don't.

I was taught growing up to be 'realistic', however, I've also learned along the way that most of the time reality is pretty negative... so in my attempts to be realistic, I'm labeled, and probably quite correctly I might add, a pessimist.

Another area, that I was blown away by tonight that makes me continue to state.. I'm the worst at doing this... I'm here to live out my faith, being obedient to what my God has called me to do.. but oh how much of this God I still cannot comprehend. I'm here wanting to give my life to sharing Him with the nations, when in all reality, I'm still trying to know Him more. (And please no comments about being obedient/faithful/any other praising me comments and no comments about the I know we all as Christians are constantly supposed to be seeking Him and knowing Him more...just bear with me, I'm using this to go in a slightly different direction.)

Tonight, we went to an evening service with the team of short-termers and we began to sing a song that I have never sang before and it described mainly one of the qualities of God.

Now before I say what this quality is.. I can say this, if someone were to ask me to describe God, there are many things I would say, but as we were singing, I realized.. this particular aspect of God would have never crossed my mind, I just don't see/think that way. I would say God is: sovereign, almighty, faithful, strong, worthy of all praise, compassionate.

The main chorus of the song:

You are Good

You are Good

You are Good

Jesus

How often do I simply overlook that God is GOOD?

The sermon went on to be about Luke 11:1-13, which talks about how to pray but towards the end of the text, Jesus talks about if we, as evil people know how to give our children good gifts, how much more so will our Heavenly Father.

Even though I've known the whole "God is Good", "All the time!", "All the time", "God is Good!" chant for years, but yet I've never saw or praised God as being simply good.

Needless to say, my mindset will be undergoing some changes.

Father LORD, thank you for being so GOOD!! Amen

~ To God Be the Glory!

Preciously Blessed.

Dinner night with Momma and Daddio... wonderful.

Grocery shopping with Momma and Daddio...splendid.

Walking through Malabon with Momma and Daddio...treasured.

Jeep'ing to church with Momma and Daddio...joyful.

Swimming with Momma and Daddio... and a team of 7 more ... and 6 toddlers... beautiful.

So thankful for this precious week!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Today is a good day.

Today is a good day for me.

Which brings me to believe, with there being as many people on this Earth as it is, today is all sorts of different days for all sorts of different people. And everyday is a good day for someone.

Today is a good day for me, it is confirmed, my parents are currently thousands of miles above the ground on their journey to the Philippines, with 7 others. The day fills me with excitement.

But I wonder... what does this day fill others with. Maybe somewhere today someone's life is filled with tears as they learn of the loss of a loved one. What about the parent in the US that is wondering where their child is amidst the wreckage left behind by a tornado?

What about the heart that is full of bittersweet emotions as a wife awaits the return of her husband deployed overseas? One day closer to being reunited with her love, but still months away.

What about the heart that is unable to breathe, after being informed that they have only months left on this earth due to a silent deadly disease?

What about the mother somewhere in this world that is giving up her baby for adoption today so that it can have a chance to live?

What about the little boy I held in my arms this morning showing him pictures of a family that loves him and is coming for him?

There are so many hearts in this world and so much pain and happiness, both to be experienced in this world.

In every circumstance, the correct response is always worship.

Today is a good day for me, filled with upcoming happiness. It's easy to be thankful today. It's harder when I'm sitting in a camp full of strangers, and I get the news that another precious little one has gone to be with Jesus. But.. the reaction is the same. I must as a Christian worship Him who brings all things.

Today is a good day!

~ To God Be the Glory!

I wonder...

Every time I look into my precious little girl's face, I see God. I see the way He rescued her. How He delivered her into the hands of Ate C. How He saved her very life.

I see the miracle that she is to be running and laughing with that sweet voice t

hat is the sweetest music to my ears.

I remember praying so very fervently for her one remaining sibling, after 2 unnecessary deaths, I prayed that a third and final sibling would not follow suit.

Now... I see a similar miracle in his eyes. One of my most recent treasures. I see the same hand of the same Mighty Sovereign Creator Savior that I serve in his life.

But that's not the only similarity.

I see the similar sweet smile.

I hear that similar sweet laughter.

I note the similarity in his precious voice.

Reason would say there's no way they can know. No way they can remember... but how is it, that they are drawn to each other.

No I don't believe they fully grasp, but I do believe there is something there. Something that draws them to each other.

I wonder... does he remember that starving little baby that was taken away from his house nearly 2 years ago?

I wonder... does she ever think about that kuya she used to know so long ago?

I wonder... does she know this isn't the first time she has seen 'her new friend'?

But for now.. my mind wonders and I leave it at simply that. The wonderings are not important right now. Right now is the time for hugs that hold him tight, for kisses that have healing power over 'ow-ies'; now is the time for a little one to finally know what it means to be safe, to be fed, to be cared for; now is the time for the words 'I love you' to be heard for the first time by precious ears.

Now is the time to do what God has called me to do, and love, love with all my heart, love this little one who has never known it before, love as He loved me.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Though this little one is out of physical danger, we ask for your continued prayers as healing for all this little one has been through will quite possibly take years. They are safe and fed, but there is still much our little one carries on the inside, that only the love of Christ can heal.

A new step..

Here I am this morning.. in my.. no our new room. Within a week, we suddenly have a girls group. 5 girls living in the room that was pretty cozy with just the three of us wasn't working out.. so we all moved around. Guys moved to the other end of the hall, we moved next door to their room.. and after waking up and getting an early start yesterday, working till dinner, then right after dinner heading out to pick up some final things for the room.. we are settled this morning. I have to admit, I was a little.. ok .. completely stressed out about moving, and though the new room is bigger, it had less storage space/shelves etc. So, I was just about to lost it when Eddy brought in a book shelf (about 6 or 7 shelves) .. OH YES!! We were looking at where to put it.. and I caught his eye, looking at the shelves then up to the space above my bed (my top-bunk bed might I add)... 'You're not really... are you??' Then I saw it, the look in his eyes, that does NOT say 'No I'm only joking' but the look that says 'Yes, I'm actually serious abut this crazy idea'. My response, 'oooh....oook.' But.. I pointed out.. the shelf is really tall.. and its a bunk bed.. that's not going to work. But, I should have known, there was a solution... my bed is wonderful and 1/2 the book shelf above the head of my bed and the other 1/2 at the wall at the foot of my bed... yes.. the solution.. simply cut the shelf in 1/2. It shortens it.. and makes more storage in 2 different areas. I have to admit I was a little skeptical, though I trusted in what the the 2 kuyas were doing...but in the end.. I love it!

Monday night, we began our nightly girls' devotions. I'm so excited to see what God is going to do, He is definitely up to something... one of those things is He's calling me forward to be a leader. Something that at first scared the heck out of me.. but an excellent case of when He calls you to something, He will prepare you for that. He has been simply using my mouth to speak, we start devotions and I only know a little about where it will go, but God takes over and it is wonderful!! He is teaching me so much, as I have so much to learn in this area.

The second thing He is teaching me.. is faith... FAITH. I'm not talking about 'Oh yea, I have faith, I believe in Jesus' I'm talking about 'Hey mountain MOVE' faith that will pick up a mountain and MOVE it. I'm talking about the kind of FAITH with which NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE. I'm talking about the radical crazy sometimes scary faith that we are all called to, but so so so few of us actually live out.

Do I have that faith?? Quick answer... I'm getting there. I'm not going to say I don't.. I won't speak that into being.. but I'm also not going to say I'm so proud of my faith... because I'm not there yet either, but I am starting down a new road, a road of trusting GOD with EVERYTHING. Not only in words, but in actions. Living in a way that if God doesn't come through... WE ARE IN TROUBLE! Living in a way that we rely on GOD every step of the way just to live!

I've been reading in my quiet time on faith, and the other day God brought me to Matthew. I was reading in Matthew 17 and it talks of when Jesus called out the demons in the boy, who was originally brought to the disciples, but they could not heal him. When they later asked why, His response in verse 20 was, "Because of your little faith. For truly I say to you, if you faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you'."

DID YOU CATCH THAT!??!?!

Jesus told us, that with just this little bit of faith NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU! In the notes in my bible, it added that sometimes verse 21 is included in some transcripts with ''But this kind never comes out except by prayer and fasting". We pray in faith, but fasting is also our petition to Christ. We won't fast, if we don't expect God to see it and act. We fast in FAITH, just as we pray.

So, I was reading on... and Matthew 18, and in verse 19 Jesus says this, "Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."

WOW!! ANYTHING they ask!!

That means Christians... let's pray! And not just mumble a few words in hope.. but pray boldly in FAITH asking our God and FATHER to answer and MOVE! Let's ask Him to move.

Currently at GH, we are praying boldly for God to move and build this building. We are in the final stages of our building project, but have hit some obstacles financially... so what are we doing. We are praying in faith, trusting that God will see to completion what HE started and in the time that it needs to be done, so that the teams coming soon will be in the new building. To most people who see the building.. that is CRAZY! But... we are moving forward in FAITH, no back up plans, just FAITH!

Please join us in praying in faith that GOD would build this building and have it completed by the time the first team comes.

But.. Christians, let's not stop there. Think of all the mountains that God would move if we all joined together in bold radical prayers of FAITH! What if.. just what if... we all joined together in BOLD RADICAL prayers of FAITH... for the orphan???

OH. MY. Can you imagine the mountains that God would move... Christians, I'm taking this next line from another blogger friend, Linny, God's heart is for the orphan. He wants to and will move. But some things require prayer and fasting. again... BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER!!

What if we joined together in BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER for... food for the poor???

What if we joined together in BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER for... healing???

What if we joined together in BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER for... the lost???

Oh Christians, the time for mumbling a few half-hearted words is over! We are called to faith, so let us join together in this new time of BOLD RADICAL MOUNTAIN-MOVING FAITH FILLED PRAYER.

LET'S WATCH GOD MOVE MOUNTAINS!!

Get ready.. it's going to be AWESOME!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!!

the WOW'ingest day yet...

Ok, so today one of the WOW'ingest things ever happened to me today ... yes I just made up a word.. WOW'ingest should so be a word anyway.. not sure why no one else has realized this yet, but that's a story for another day.

There are some visitors, a group of m*litary that are in PI for the time, that have been coming and visiting regularly for a few weeks now. Of this group is their chaplain. Today, the chaplain and two others surprised me and dropped by for a quick visit, which ended up lasting a couple hours. Unfortunately Ate and our big kids and our monsters were all out swimming, but they were totally fine with that, as there were still plenty of other kids, toddlers, and babies to go around.

Now, is where I get to the 'good stuff' that makes this the WOW'ingest day yet...the chaplain started speaking to me, and he just started speaking and bringing up things... the exact things that LORD has been speaking to me about and really hammering down for the last month! The exact things, not even kidding! I was shell shocked to say the least, my mind was reeling... I'm talking the exact wording that the LORD spoke to me was coming out of this man's mouth! I knew God was clearly using this man to make His point perfectly clear. And, it wasn't just one topic, but all the topics the LORD is currently dealing with me on. I commented, 'Wow, you're speaking on all the things God is dealing with me on, I really needed to hear this.' His response, 'I know.. The LORD showed me your heart before and told me what to say'.

I won't go into detail about what all was said, because there are things that God is still revealing to me and much that I'm still processing, but WOW.. isn't God AMAZING!! There are changes in store for my life, but I'm so excited, for I'm starting a phase of my life..

My apologies as this post might be a little scattered, but I just had to share how the LORD made today just the WOW'ingest day yet!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

the next step...oi!

This has been my schedule...

Last week.

Trip to take Rommel and August to ear doctor, wait about 5 minutes for a taxi there and then about the same for a taxi back. (5 minutes.. is NOTHING compared to over an hour.. which is what I've waited before)

Thursday

Trip to take Rommel for a hearing test, w/ Rona tagging along for the socialization - jeep to and from

Friday

Trip to take August for hearing test - taxi to and from... then the same day back to the same offices again... another taxi back and forth. (much more waiting on this day for taxis)

Saturday

Trip to take Lex for developmental assessment - taxi there and back.

Trip to go grab some dinner with Lien, our current visitor/short termer at GH. - taxi there and back.

Sunday

Trip to church, with August - because of the long long walks there and back, I take taxi. He can't walk that far and I can't carry him that far.

Meet Lien at nearby mall to complete some errands for Ate - Jeep there and we all take jeep home. (about a 10 minutes wait for the right jeep to come along)

Trip out to Sta. Lucia Mall (a bit farther than the normal jeep rides) to get picked up by a family I'm babysitting for on Monday - Jeep (got home by catching rides to Faith Academy and then home with Ate who was picking up her kids)

Tuesday

Trip to developmental assessment with 4 toddlers and visitor - taxi there and back

I don't give this schedule recap to show everyone how busy I am... this is actually nothing. But...to shine light on a new investment I'm looking into... that of a vehicle. While yes, a vehicle does cost quite a bit of money, I think that the convenience factor, the saving of being ripped off by taxis, and time saving factors are worth the investment, not to mention the safety factor. As you may have guessed, taxis do not come with optional car-seats... which is another aspect that I will be exploring. As I look forward to filling a back seat with car seats... even though you can't buy car-seats in the Philippines.

Currently I may have some contacts working on getting me a few carseats shipped to me.. if that works out, the next step.. or actually the step before that would be a vehicle. With rainy seasons and frequent floodings in some areas, an SUV is a must, as it also allows for more room for car-seats. I'm very excited about this next step... but at the same time it seems a little overwhelming, as a vehicle is not by any means a small purchase. But I'm resting confidently that the Lord will provide, He has been so faithful thus far.

Another step that has come about recently, is that within the next two months I will have the opportunity to travel to Australia with Ate to speak about Gentle Hands and raise awareness about the injustices and life that the children in the Philippines, the people of Malabon, the people of the Philippines face daily and how Gentle Hands is on the front lines fighting for the rights and lives of these beautiful children and people.

These are two more areas needing prayer in my life, if you are joining me in prayer along this journey. Thank you to all of those precious people and families who have been so generous in joining me in this journey by continually praying and supporting me! God has used you in mighty ways!! Your prayers have sustained me during the tough days! Thank You!!!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Tomorrow is a new day.

Today has been an emotional day, a wonderful morning, but an emotional day none the less..my heart and mind are a scattered mess... I've not yet discovered if it is better to wait until I'm more innerly sorted or to simply post what is on my heart right in the midst of the mess... here is the mess...

I am not superwoman.

The longer I am in this environment in which it is essential that I have some control over my emotions... the worse I get.. and the smaller control I have.

I'm fine, then out of nowhere, I can't breathe and the tears come up quick and there's no stopping it.

I hate this.

I hate this aspect of myself.

Finding the fine line, in having to suck it up and 'to do what I have to do' and yet, allowing myself to feel these emotions and letting others see me be vulnerable... the line is all but invisible. Is it there??

To find the line between letting others see.. but only the right others ... and sucking it up in front of the 'other' others...when I don't want anyone to see...at all... that I'm finding is impossible.

"It gets better with time".. I have found that to be a lie. I was much better at this before... with time I have simply less and less control.

Tonight.. simply put, I'm a mess. But... it is during this time that I am reminded.. the night won't last forever... surely it won't. As dark as it feels right now, with so many things going on in my life, the morning is on its way, and praise the Lord His mercies are new every morning!

Tomorrow is a new day.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I will worship.

Always smiling... even at bedtime.. especially at bedtime.. when that little boy is supposed to be sleeping. But no.. Rammy is giggling from his bed. I wonder what he's thinking about to make him laugh so much.. maybe the simple fact that he's supposed to be sleeping right now is what has him shrieking with giggles.

I give him yet another.."Rammy.. it's time to sleep now.. You need to lay down and sleep." And eventually he settles, with his green knit blankie either curled up under his arm, or draped over the side of his head, as if warming his ear.

My chest hurts with the weight of my heart simply sifting through the many memories in my head to write this post.

I've known him since my beginning at GH. I remember when I first met him.. he was not yet walking.. now he runs, shaky.. but he runs! We put in his case study that he was nonverbal.. and he was. Never a word, he had his own jibber-jabber as all the toddlers do.. but no actual words. So we began sign language with all the toddlers. Then about two weeks ago.. we are leaving the barber shop after he was brave boy and got his hair cut and I said ' tell Kuya, bye and thank you' ... My mouth fell open as everyone in the barber shop heard and saw Rammy sign AND SPEAK "Bye-bye, Thank You!"!!!!!

A couple days later sign and word "Baby" while pointing to his beloved baby doll!!! The baby doll that is so worn.. the biggest testimony to how much he loves it! A testimony to its incredible value!

December 2009, "We really need to start praying for God to raise up families for Kim and Rammy. If we can find the families, we can find anyone families". Ate C made this comment to me in December 2009, knowing that it would be extremely difficult to find families for these two precious treasures, due to their special needs. I started that very day praying boldly in faith asking God to raise up those families and bring them.

The first part of the prayer was answered in November 2010 when Kimberly went home with her forever family.

The second part, regarding Rammy,... will be answered this week!

Oh God is good!!

My wise father once (many times) said, "When we pray to God for something, we can't be upset when he makes it happen" (Not sure those are the exact words, but definately the jist of it).

I prayed for Rammy's family, and now that God has looked upon my request with favor...I will rejoice. I will worship. I will be happy even as the tears roll down my face.

Praise God... another hard goodbye yet.. I will worship.

This is the life I am called to, it is hard, it is FULL of tears and trials, some say depressed, but I am privelaged that the Lord has called me to this task. In all situations, I will worship.

~ To God Be the Glory!

"You're finally free baby.. fly to Jesus" ... 1 year later

"You're finally free baby...fly to Jesus."

Staring at the blank "New Post" page... oh what to put...

I spent last week in a dream land, beautiful beaches, unbelievable beauty.

Now I am at the start of a new week.

The week starts.. with today.

It was a year ago that I said those words. After waiting hours, days, weeks... the time finally came to say those words, to say my final goodbye to my baby.

When I said those words.. you were already there.. I didn't need to say any of it.. but for my own sake, I did.

If I were poetic, I'd put a wonderful poem up here.

If bold, I'd write a wonderful song.

If artistic, a beautiful drawing.

But I am none of these things, I'm simply the one who was to be your mommy. I am simply the one whose heart is full of love for you my daughter. I am simply the one blessed enough to call you mine. I am simply the one who has cried over and over for my selfish loss.

I am simply your mommy that loves you more than anyone else on this earth.

You Pamela give me motivation to keep loving... to dig deeper for the extra love in my heart... to keep going. Because I know in my heart, that there are more just like you baby, there are more little ones alone... waiting...

I love you so much Pamela Santos... I've seen it.. I've seen the day when the LORD will place you in my arms again... dreaming of that day as Jesus takes us both into His arms and we will worship Him forever more!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Life and Death

I've said it before I'll say it again... the life I live now is life and death. Life and death every day. Yesterday, on Valentine's Day, I posted early how I was remembering this time last year as my dear Pamela started down the road to Heaven.

As I was posting, I knew another one of our precious little ones at GH, Christian, was about to turn that same corner. I was also told that yesterday afternoon, I would be needed to go and pick up a new baby from a hospital.

I went, and while I was bringing this new little one home, Christian, made his way to his heavenly home with Jesus.

While we grieve our loss of his life, we rejoice.. oh we rejoice.. that Christian is no longer in any pain, he is finally free, free to run and jump and play in Heaven! He is FREE!!

While we still feel all these emotions, we will carry on.. for there are more just like Christian. More waiting to feel love for the first time in their life. More waiting to know what it means to be held, to be loved, to be cherrished, to be safe, to be full, to be at peace. More just like the precious baby boy I brought home yesterday.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Lessons about myself... and life.

Often times things happen and I adapt and persevere simply to get through them... but I often don't take the time to sit and think.. God what are you teaching me out of this? What do I take from this? Is there something I need to change??

So here I am... looking back on myself... trying to .... actually I don't really know what I'm trying to do... but these are the lessons I'm learning about myself and some of the unique lessons God is teaching me in current environment.

~ I am convinced that I am the most selfish person on the planet.

~ My emotions come in 2's now adays...Happy.. I'm giddy, open...Saddness.. I close up, I build my walls up, I get mad and I get closed quick.

~ I'm trying desperately to understand the ways of God in my life .. but to no avail.

~ I've already been given life, to ask for anything more for myself is selfishness.

~ I stretch the truth/fib on a daily basis... the How are you? question is almost always grounds for an easy and simple "ok"... simple is a hard concept for me to grasp these days.

~ My ministry to children, I believe benefits me more than them on most days.

~ 1/2 the people I meet.. I'm scared to death of them getting the wrong impression of me. The other 1/2.. I truly don't care... there's not much in between.

~ Folding and putting away the laundry of my toddlers is one of the most gratifying jobs there is.

~ My greatest heros are the missionaries from ages past, the ones that travelled to the unknown to live, without first trying it out, visiting and without the safety net/comfort of fbook connecting them to the familiar. I'm not worthy to be considered in the same category as them.

~ I'm a person that God has called to missions... though I don't actually like people in general. I don't know how to act around people. Give me the close circle of people I trust, and that's all... meeting new people is actually scary for me.

~ I break all the molds that I was taught... I love skirts and ball shorts. I like colors and I love black. I like looking fashionable, but I will intentionally not buy something if everyone has it. I feel old-fashioned and edgy at the same time. I love sparkly shiny things, and I love bumming around the house in ball shorts and ponytail. I have attitude but am extremely submissive.

~ If I don't keep myself in check... I am the most horrendously jealous person on earth.

~ Never underestimate the power of a simple hug to turn around someones day / week / month.

~ Always remove rings before holding the hand of a woman in labor.

~ Blogging is very complex for me, I try to tell my story, but at the same time, letting people in and letting people see scares me some, not in a physical sense at all, but on an emotional insecurity level.

~ A toddler's biggest weapon, when out in public, is the word "CR" (meaning, .. they have to use the restroom).

~ For children and children only, I can pretty much lose all dignity and am a complete clown.

~ Sunshine is therapeutic.

~ Once my mind is made up or once God reveals the next step of His plan.. patience is no longer my friend. I want to move and go for it!

~ Memories and pictures are a great comfort to me.

~ A recent visitor made me aware of just how often I 'space out' and escape into my head...an obvious return of childhood ADD.

~ I'm left speechless when I think how my life has changed in just a few years.

I'll keep adding to it over time, so check back.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Dreams to Reality

The other day I was talking.. well emailing.. with my best friend and she mentioned "I can't believe how our lives have changed in just 3-4 years." And I stopped and thought about it.. and I've been continuing to think about it.

We have our dreams as kids.. as friends we would always talk about the future.. talking about weddings as if they only actually would occur in fairy tales. Children was something we couldn't even fathom.. even in our dreams. That all seemed like a lifetime away.. something that would never actually reach us.. but we dreamed never the less.

I can remember when I first started of dreaming ... about the world. After my first trip to Venezuela dreaming of the kids that I knew were around the world.. my mind could not grasp the numbers of children that were out there.

I remember on that plane ride back from Venezuela when I was 14... at that moment I began dreaming of living out the calling that God had placed on my heart.. living in those places.. so many.. where would I start?

I dreamt of a life that was anything but the 'American Dream'. A life so out of the ordinary that it had to be God.

Yes, Em... we're here... no more dreaming.. the dreams are reality!

~ To God Be the Glory!

I Love you so very much darling!

So, I've had specific topic for a blog post on my heart for a while now, something that I know I need to share.. yet I've been hesitating to share.. because I feel like so many of my posts are downing and pessimistic to an extent, hitting on how stressful life is or what I'm struggling with. And I don't want to sound like I'm whining about my life, that is not at all what I'm doing. My life is just.. so different now and it is so intense, if you will, compared to my life before. So.. depressing or not... here is what is on my heart, here is what I'm dealing with at the moment...this is life for me as I know it right now...


So... before I ever came to the Philippines, I knew it would be tough to work in an *rphanage. But it is continuing to hit me so much harder over and over again. Here I am, I work long and tiring hours, and joyful hours, I get so attached to these children, and the names they pick for me (its always varying... so far.. Ate Briffney (sometimes Brittany can be tough for the little ones), Ah Benny, Ninny, Ellen (Jonalyn was convinced my name wass Ellen), Abby, MamMom), I deal with pee and poop on a consistent daily basis (you gotta love potty training 8 at once.), I discipline them, I hold them responsible, I wash them, I wipe their noses when they get seasonal allergy crud, I rock them when they fall down, I hold them close when they are sick and puking everywhere, I pray with them every night, I've assigned blankets so that each child has his/her own personal blankie to sleep with and take with them when they leave... when they leave... when they leave...

All this is done... so that Lord-willing.. they will leave. We have had several ad*ptions this past year and will have many more in this one to come, and each time, its like a thread in my heart comes loose. I require so much from them, I try and teach them so much, I love them with every bit of my heart that the Lord has given me, I tell them "I love YOU" .. so that one day.. they will turn to someone that is a complete stranger to me and say... "I love you Mommy".



This has always been the goal, to place these children with their forever families so that they can grow, thrive, have all the attention they could ever want, and experience the true love of a family... but it's just hitting me lately. When you have a visitor come and say.. 'Oh.. he's so cute.. I'll just take him' (jokingly of course), but often times when I hear that... my senses perk up and my initial thought is... Um.. excuse me??..NO.. He's mine.. you can't have him. What are you thinking?? Then it dawns on me.. they are never really mine. I love them as mine... but they are not. I realize how selfish we are as humans, always wanting to have ours.


There are so many blogs out there that I've been following and reading about families and parents on their adoption journeys.. they are beautiful to read and hear how the Lord works and brings it all together. My life is the story behind the scenes. It is the reversed adoption story... I love them and love them and instead of counting down the days till we will be together forever.. I count the days till I have to say goodbye...

This is a tough life, I never dreamed that I would ever be able to do anything like this.. but I am honored. I am honored that the Lord has chosen me to do this, has chosen me to be there for them and hold and love them until their families can get to them. I'm honored that He would give me daily, hourly, His strength to do what must be done.


His grace is sufficient.


So for now.. I will continue to hold them, I will continue to love, I will continue to kiss them. I will gladly welcome those little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, as they simultaneously tighten their grip on my heart. I will remember to be a little more gentle when R is getting out of his bed for the 20th time (which he did tonight), after I've told him 21 times to get into bed and go to sleep. I will remember to just let another sigh out when N pees or poops in her underwear instead of the CR for the 3rd or so time, when I just took her to the CR 5 minutes ago (which she did today), I will remember to go down on my off duty time, just to be able to sit and cuddle for a while while someone else is 'working' (which I did this morning).

For now, I will continue every night to say...

"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you L! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you N! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you M! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"

... Till one by one.. All those initials may be gone and new ones added to the list...

~ To God Be the Glory!

Happiness and Pain and a Challenge

As most of you fellow bloggers know...there is a miracle going on in the life of Davids, an Latvian orphan that was on the verge of aging out, two weeks away, when the family that was in the process of adopting him pulled out, leaving only 2 weeks for another family to adopt him before he would find himself aged out and out on the streets.. alone. Around the world, people all over joined together and we prayed. We prayed in faith, pleading on behalf of this boy...and now.. Davids family has found him and they are in the process of making it official. You can read his touching story here http://little-did-i-know.blogspot.com/.

Also, this evening I read another update of sorts.. I read of the funeral service for the 9-year old girl that was tragically killed. The article talked of her friends and family reminiscing about the past years and what a joy this little girl was to her family. My heart broke. I can't imagine this pain.. I remember...no.. I know.. my own pain from losing a daughter. I still selfishly mourn for her to be in my arms again. I knew my daughter for one month and she had that big of an effect on me... my oh my.. I can't imagine losing a child of 9 years.

How diverse this world is.. there are so many aspects of humanity...one family is having the change of a lifetime ... and another family is having the change of a lifetime. But oh such different changes.. such different emotions.

My heart leaps for joy at the news of this family coming together. My heart is excited that.. what if we all prayed that fervently for ALL the orphans.. all over the world...WHAT IF??? Again.. Our God is BIG is He not?? So I challenge you today, to start praying for the orphan. Not a simple, "Thank you Lord for this day.. blah blah blah, I pray for this upcoming week at work.. I pray for the orphan... I thank you for my food.. amen." I mean ... really go before our Heavenly Father and beg and plead on behalf of the orphan. Pray for them as if they were YOUR child. As a fellow blogger put it.. Pray for them as if you were their mom or dad... since they have no mom or dad to go and intercede for them.

I obviously have a heart for the orphan, and the Lord has been forming a message in me.. I'm not sure what exactly it will entail, but I've been working and brainstorming a future post about it.. but for now.. let's all pray.. beg.. plead to our Sovereign Heavenly Father for the orphan.

~ To God Be the Glory!

So, it's Christmas Eve night, and I'm cozied up on the couch in the sala with a nice hot cup of coffee, just the way I like it with some powdered Alaska in it (you'll know what I mean if you live in the Philippines) and I'm doing what I do alot these days, reflecting and remembering and just pondering.

Back in the US, every Christmas Eve, we would wake up and go have Christmas Eve breakfast at my Grandma A's house, then that evening when we came home from Grandma and Grandpa's house, we would have a quiet settled family Christmas, just me, Momma, Daddy, and Bub...this year, that is all quite different. Here in the Philippin*s, Christmas Eve is a party! It's almost 11 pm and there are still very loud fireworks going off, I've had texts from friends who are feasting now, and some of those here at GH are in the next room screaming at the TV playing wii, planning on staying up all night.

The difference makes my mind reel...Christmas Eve to me is a quiet peaceful relaxing time, and here I am, relaxing and peaceful in the midst of partying buzzing nation.

Everything is still so new to me, this whole new world that God has brought me to, this all-new life. I can look and see the life that I would've planned for myself, and this life that God has given me is so much better... it leaves me speechless. I know exactly what I would be doing if I had planned my life, and yea.. it would be ok, but God's plans were so much greater! I'm soo soo thankful that He stepped in and took control of my life, that He loosened my grip and lifted my control.

This life is raw... there is literally life and death every day here. We have a baby less than a week old sleeping in the next room, life. Then a few days ago, we got word that one of our kid's siblings in a near-by squatter community died during the week.. simply from dehydration, death.

This evening we went to a Christmas Eve service, and the speaker spoke about how unlikely the words Merry Christmas are, how they don't really go together at all. Merry meaning happy and Christmas, the mas part meaning the death of Christ. So it's like being happy about the death of Christ.. how it doesn't seem to fit..yet through God's plan it does fit. We celebrate the birth of Jesus this time of year, but we remember that He came to this Earth for one reason, to die. He came to die and take the punishment for our sin. ("So.. Jesus gots a spanking?!?!" .. you'll have to read through my blog to find the story that goes along with that quote! :) ). But that's exactly what we are doing, we are celebrating the death, we celebrate that He was born.. born to die.. for us.

I have a blog post that I'm working on, I've been working on it for a while, and I'm not sure when the right time will come for me to post it, but it's something that has been stirring in my heart for a while now. There has just been so much reflection and remembering in my life and mind lately.

Well, ok, I think I'm done rambling for now.

*Merry CHRISTMAS Everyone!*

~ To God Be the Glory!