A few different posts, all rolled into one..

I was sitting in the session when the video came on...clips from the Passion of the Christ movie put to music. I've seen similar vidoes and clips before, the movie clips are always heavy on my heart and impact me, but I can tell you what songs I have heard in the past. I can't tell you what the song was this last time. I just remember seeing her face... as if I was seeing it for the first time. I remember not being able to breathe.

I had seen the clips of Mary before and thinking, "Oh my.. I couldn't imagine watching someone I love innocently endure that!"... But it was different this time. This time, the sweet face of a little girl played like a movie in my mind, consuming everything. I remembered the anger that I felt towards those who had hurt her, towards her biological parents, towards the doctors and social workers of the hospital...I remembered how hard it was for me to forgive them in my heart... I couldn't bear to even try to fathom Mary's pain. At the very second that I saw her face and thought of my own little girl, my breath was gone. I couldn't bear to dwell and imagine the dreaded.. what if that was me? My heart was torn in yet a new way, yet another pain that I have never imagined before.

As my Momma and a friend here told me, "Once a mother, always a mother." I never understood that phrase.. that is until now.. that is until Pamela. Having that sweet girl in my life, though it was such a short time has changed me forever in so many ways, ways that God is still revealing to me. I had seen clips like that before and always it was the music and the lyrics that I really paid attention too, putting the words to the actions that I was seeing... this time I cannot for anything, remember what song was playing. I'm trying as I type this...surely I can remember...but I draw a blank. The only memories I have is of her face, his beaten body, and the picture of my sweet little girl; and now as I type this a new picture has just come to my mind...my sweet daughter in His arms, arms that were beaten and scarred for her life, for my life, for your life.

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Another sunny day in Malabon, kids running around, new visitors/friends experiencing Malabon, loving on babies...the usual Malabon. When I decided to take our visitors back into Malabon, into the tiney crowded windings through the neighborhood. We ended up at Emerlyn's house, which is further back than I normally go. I first met Emerlyn back in June 2009, on my first trip to the Philippines, she had come to stay for a short time at Gentle Hands, but had been released back to her family. But this was the first time to be back since my second trip in December. I was eager to see her when I recognized that we were coming upon their house. Her mom came to the door and was so sweet to us, and soon carried sweet Emerlyn out to see us. Emerlyn is 4 years old and has hydrocephalus, and as her mother put her into my arms, I was nearly brought to tears as yet again, memories of my daughter surged to my mind, and I was so thankful, oh so thankful as I looked at this precious sleeping child, I noticed some things...she was clean, her hair was clean and healthy and had been taking care of, her body and clothes were clean and healthy. This little girl was LOVED! Her family, her parents, her siblings, they all loved her and took care of her together. As much as it saddens me, that she has to endure this...I'm so thankful for the love that she is experiencing constantly, that she is being showered with love at all times!! I have seen firsthand how this culture will throw away the 'damaged'... my little girl was thrown away.

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Wednesday -
It was a normal day, my last day of working this week before heading off to camp in the morning! I walked into the office, my usual stop to say Goodmorning to Ate before heading upstairs to eat breakfast. I said my goodmorning and asked how everything was going this morning, her solemn reply, "Um.." there was a pause and I knew it was gonna be serious...and bad, "Mando died last night."

Mando. Our happy little boy that had so many problems, club feet, full cleft palette, and other problems we weren't even aware of... Our little boy that I had been taking to the doctor every week to get his casts, we were getting his club feet fixed... only 1 more casting before the surgery that would allow him to one day walk. The surgery for his cleft palette would come later. He had been sick for a few days, but nothing prepared us for this. His death was completely unexpected. We take comfort in knowing Mando is in heaven and no longer in any pain.

That evening I hugged my toddlers a little longer before leaving, I gave a few more kisses, I let them climb on me a little longer, I snuggled them a little longer, and knowing that tomorrow is never guarenteed, I helplessly felt them wiggle their way deeper into my heart. After Pamela's death and Aveline and Amy leaving to their foster family, I thought I might take an emotional step back...the pain was just a little much, too hard. I needed to take a little step back and get some distance...my plan was all foolishness and failed miserably. As Ate C once said, in order to minister effectively, you have to minister intimately. You can't hold back, you can't do it halfway. When God calls you to something, He calls all of you, not half, not a part, ... all. I am called into this ministry, so I will put my whole self into this ministry. I won't hold back, I won't put emotional boundaries up, I will give it all, I will love them all, I will love with my whole heart, with all the love that I have only because God has loved me and given me love. So what does that mean... It means, there's hard times ahead, there are valleys so deep ahead, there are roads and experiences ahead that I wouldn't wish upon anyone, but I will go because God has called me there and through it all, He will be my Guide, my Comfort, my Peace. I know these things, and are promised these things, even when my feelings and emotions are deceiving and I don't feel them, I know they are true. So I will love, I will give, I will step forward to the life that God has called me to, and I will worship Him through it all.

~ To God Be the Glory