Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Knocking Behind the Door...

It has been nearly a year since I saw your face...And I was happy for it.

I loved you as my own family, I dreamt of driving with you in car seats in the back of my taurus.

Everytime I saw a little girls' jacket, I pictured how you'd look in it and whether you'd like the cold or not.

I pictured you with Bub, I knew he would be smitten with you as soon as he saw you.. He would be just a wonderful big brother to you as he was to me.

I imagined you at christmas time meeting all of our crazy family.

I knew Grandma and Mam-Ma would have a wonderful time spoiling you with all their grandmotherly goodness.

I smiled when I thought of you riding the tractor with the grandpas.. one of my favorite childhood memories.

I saw in my mind Daddy teaching you how to ride a bike in the front yard, as he did me.

I pictured you cuddled up with Momma watching one of your favorite movies.

Then quicker than I ever knew . . . you were gone.

You were gone in a moment when I was darker and lower than ever before and in an effort to keep some of myself together, I did what I had to do... I put you and all the dreams in a room and I shut the door, and turned my back on that door and pretended it didn't exist. Whenever you were mentioned, I just put a fake smile on.. and turned my hearing off.

You were gone and you ceased to exist in my mind.

I liked it that way.

I could keep going on without the hurt that way.

And then before I knew it.. when I wasn't expecting it...there you were right in front of me... looking at me with those eyes...

And I heard the knocking behind the door...

It was easier when you simply ceased to exist anymore.

It was easier to shut it all out.

It was easier to ignore.

But my walls were no good against physical weapons...against curious eyes... beautiful shy smile... precious voice...

My walls crumbled under the games of others..

So.. tho my walls are damaged, I now begin the process of building them back..

I'm tidying up and pushing everything back in the room and am shutting the door again..

I know it won't be long till it will all come out and I will have to deal with everything... but that time is not yet here.

For are not reality to are just a are a nightmare.

But now...

... I hear the knocking behind the door.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Love you so very much darling!

So, I've had specific topic for a blog post on my heart for a while now, something that I know I need to share.. yet I've been hesitating to share.. because I feel like so many of my posts are downing and pessimistic to an extent, hitting on how stressful life is or what I'm struggling with. And I don't want to sound like I'm whining about my life, that is not at all what I'm doing. My life is just.. so different now and it is so intense, if you will, compared to my life before. So.. depressing or not... here is what is on my heart, here is what I'm dealing with at the moment...this is life for me as I know it right now...

So... before I ever came to the Philippines, I knew it would be tough to work in an *rphanage. But it is continuing to hit me so much harder over and over again. Here I am, I work long and tiring hours, and joyful hours, I get so attached to these children, and the names they pick for me (its always varying... so far.. Ate Briffney (sometimes Brittany can be tough for the little ones), Ah Benny, Ninny, Ellen (Jonalyn was convinced my name wass Ellen), Abby, MamMom), I deal with pee and poop on a consistent daily basis (you gotta love potty training 8 at once.), I discipline them, I hold them responsible, I wash them, I wipe their noses when they get seasonal allergy crud, I rock them when they fall down, I hold them close when they are sick and puking everywhere, I pray with them every night, I've assigned blankets so that each child has his/her own personal blankie to sleep with and take with them when they leave... when they leave... when they leave...

All this is done... so that Lord-willing.. they will leave. We have had several ad*ptions this past year and will have many more in this one to come, and each time, its like a thread in my heart comes loose. I require so much from them, I try and teach them so much, I love them with every bit of my heart that the Lord has given me, I tell them "I love YOU" .. so that one day.. they will turn to someone that is a complete stranger to me and say... "I love you Mommy".

This has always been the goal, to place these children with their forever families so that they can grow, thrive, have all the attention they could ever want, and experience the true love of a family... but it's just hitting me lately. When you have a visitor come and say.. 'Oh.. he's so cute.. I'll just take him' (jokingly of course), but often times when I hear that... my senses perk up and my initial thought is... Um.. excuse me??..NO.. He's mine.. you can't have him. What are you thinking?? Then it dawns on me.. they are never really mine. I love them as mine... but they are not. I realize how selfish we are as humans, always wanting to have ours.

There are so many blogs out there that I've been following and reading about families and parents on their adoption journeys.. they are beautiful to read and hear how the Lord works and brings it all together. My life is the story behind the scenes. It is the reversed adoption story... I love them and love them and instead of counting down the days till we will be together forever.. I count the days till I have to say goodbye...

This is a tough life, I never dreamed that I would ever be able to do anything like this.. but I am honored. I am honored that the Lord has chosen me to do this, has chosen me to be there for them and hold and love them until their families can get to them. I'm honored that He would give me daily, hourly, His strength to do what must be done.

His grace is sufficient.

So for now.. I will continue to hold them, I will continue to love, I will continue to kiss them. I will gladly welcome those little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, as they simultaneously tighten their grip on my heart. I will remember to be a little more gentle when R is getting out of his bed for the 20th time (which he did tonight), after I've told him 21 times to get into bed and go to sleep. I will remember to just let another sigh out when N pees or poops in her underwear instead of the CR for the 3rd or so time, when I just took her to the CR 5 minutes ago (which she did today), I will remember to go down on my off duty time, just to be able to sit and cuddle for a while while someone else is 'working' (which I did this morning).

For now, I will continue every night to say...

"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you L! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you N! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you M! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"

... Till one by one.. All those initials may be gone and new ones added to the list...

~ To God Be the Glory!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

It's just a story... right??

Forewarning - Parents, You might want to skip reading this post to your kids.

Let me tell you a story...

There once was a woman, a cold-hearted woman that many would consider wicked or evil. She lived a hard life from the beginning, taught to be nasty and ruthless by the world she grew up in.

As she grew up and started her life, she eventually married and started having kids. She raised her family.. the only way she knew how.. ruthless. Her life was hard and full of grief from the very beginning. She watched her drunk husband get murdered and chopped into pieces, leaving her a single mom trying to support her family, who was already living in a dump.

She sent her kids out to beg for food and money... If they didn't bring in enough.. then they were beat, would go without, and were tied up so that they couldn't lay down to sleep. To make a little money she got involved with prostitutes, and was somewhat of a female pimp.

And somewhere down the line, the remarried, maybe with the hopes of making it a little further in life, maybe hoping to find some happiness... Then when one of her children got sick and was taken by an organization, it was no big deal for her to sign over her rights of that child...that girl was a disappointment to her anyway.. never earned enough money for the family, they were better without that one.

However, life was still a disappointment.. the husband became abusive, blaming her for all of his/their problems and turning to alcohol and power.. the wife knew, probably a feeling she had been accustomed to in her life, the feeling of not only abusing but also being the abused. Somewhere in the aftermath of that first child being taken away and feeling the pain she used to inflict come upon herself.. something began to shift in that woman. She started to see the other child she had left in the house, the baby a little differently. She began to care a little more for her.

The beatings grew more and more violent, the husband sent the 'witch doctor' after her, and being a poor uneducated woman who knows nothing but the traditions spoken down to her from generations before, she was fully convinced of the 'curse that was spoken over her', a curse of death. Beating down both physically and verbally for so long had worn down her defenses and was now open game to whoever came her way.. whatever they told her..panic attacks came. She settled eventually.. but the beatings grew more and more frequent, till the night he tried to take her daughter, the one last hope she had. She stood her ground that night, through the violent beating, she held onto her daughter and managed to kick the guy out of the house for the night.

She knew then and there what she must do. The next day was her chance, and she had to take it. She went with her daughter and a tiny plastic bag of all the girls' clothes and said 'take her'.

Tonight, she will return to that house, without her daughter, without the only person able to run for an effort to protect her daughter she will return without the only person that was truly protecting her.

Her whole life she has learned to be cold and stand her ground, she had to in order to survive. This time will be no different, only the outcome she knows will be. But she will stand her ground, she refuses to leave, in her last effort, she has protected the person she loves most...she is safe, she will not be there to witness what will happen tonight.. if it doesn't end tonight.. it will end soon.

But don't worry folks.. its just a story remember... or that's how you will read it anyway...

~ To God Be the Glory!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Happiness and Pain and a Challenge

As most of you fellow bloggers know...there is a miracle going on in the life of Davids, an Latvian orphan that was on the verge of aging out, two weeks away, when the family that was in the process of adopting him pulled out, leaving only 2 weeks for another family to adopt him before he would find himself aged out and out on the streets.. alone. Around the world, people all over joined together and we prayed. We prayed in faith, pleading on behalf of this boy...and now.. Davids family has found him and they are in the process of making it official. You can read his touching story here

Also, this evening I read another update of sorts.. I read of the funeral service for the 9-year old girl that was tragically killed. The article talked of her friends and family reminiscing about the past years and what a joy this little girl was to her family. My heart broke. I can't imagine this pain.. I I know.. my own pain from losing a daughter. I still selfishly mourn for her to be in my arms again. I knew my daughter for one month and she had that big of an effect on me... my oh my.. I can't imagine losing a child of 9 years.

How diverse this world is.. there are so many aspects of family is having the change of a lifetime ... and another family is having the change of a lifetime. But oh such different changes.. such different emotions.

My heart leaps for joy at the news of this family coming together. My heart is excited that.. what if we all prayed that fervently for ALL the orphans.. all over the world...WHAT IF??? Again.. Our God is BIG is He not?? So I challenge you today, to start praying for the orphan. Not a simple, "Thank you Lord for this day.. blah blah blah, I pray for this upcoming week at work.. I pray for the orphan... I thank you for my food.. amen." I mean ... really go before our Heavenly Father and beg and plead on behalf of the orphan. Pray for them as if they were YOUR child. As a fellow blogger put it.. Pray for them as if you were their mom or dad... since they have no mom or dad to go and intercede for them.

I obviously have a heart for the orphan, and the Lord has been forming a message in me.. I'm not sure what exactly it will entail, but I've been working and brainstorming a future post about it.. but for now.. let's all pray.. beg.. plead to our Sovereign Heavenly Father for the orphan.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Monday, January 10, 2011

2010... Only the start!

2010... My first full-year living out the dream that the LORD gave me when I was 14...

Arrived back in Philippines in December 2009.

My first trip to Tagaytay.

Discovered my adventerous side and on a whim, decided to go zip-lining over the mountanous, sea-side, jungle.

I met for the first time the little girl that would change my life forever.


Ezekiel is HOME now!

We started our push towards rescuing abandoned babies from hospital nurseries, welcoming 4 abandoned treasures in one day.

I went through the darkest valley that the Lord has brought me to yet, as I watched a precious daughter finish her short life on earth and make her way back to Jesus, and learned firsthand what it means to have the LORD as my Tower of Strength, comfort and peace.


Edu is HOME with his siblings!
I had to say goodbye to two precious hearts, one of which was a key instrument the LORD used in focusing my attention on where He was leading.
I started focusing more and working more with the toddlers. God began to hammer down the realization of what HE wanted for my life and what HE was calling me to next!

My first summer in the Philippines = extremely HOT... which = pool parties!!
I went to camp for the first time with the youth at Pinyahan Christian Church as a counselor, a wonderful opportunity to get to know both the youth better and also other counselors, my friends the Nehemiah.

With May, came the start of the rainy season... with much shouting of joy during the first play in the rain of the season! May also brought several days at the park.
I was able to go to camp again with Pinyahan Christian Church (PCC), for two back-to-back sessions!

Ate Jordan came for a visit!
June brought Ate Kyla!
And.. little MJ came with June!

Josiah and Daniel are home!
Also with June was Team Japan and Team TX!
As well as Demo Day... the start of our building project!!

July brought sweet time with dear friends.

A refreshing trip to Baguio.

Lots of smiles

The last of the rainy season 'Play in the Rains'!
I got to go for a visit to KY!

Got to meet lots of nice nurses while I stayed in the hospital for dengue.
(Sorry.. no pictures for that time.. was a little busy..)

Time with Momma, Daddio, and Bub and other family and friends!
Watching Daddio play Fall Flag Football!Celebrated a birthday.
Me and Momma's Traditional Trip to the ZOO!
Cheering on the Louisville Cardinals!
I headed back to where my heart was.
And this time Momma came with me!!

Then Daddy came also!

The kids loved finally meeting and getting to know Kuya Dean and Ate Vicky.. or Ate Bicky as they pronounce it!
(Sorry, no pictures at this time, hopefully they will be added later! :) )

Kim's HOME!
Lots of outings!
A beautiful bundle of joy... Cesar!

Glenda and Balong went home!
Pinyahan Christian Church's 30th Anniversary
Chirstmas Day!
New Year's Eve

~ To God Be the Glory!