Wednesday, February 27, 2013

February 28

Three years ago today.
This date is always special, sacred. 

I've dreamt of you growing up in heaven. 

I'll see you again one day my precious baby. 

And today I'll thank God again for the grace that He is faithful to give.  

And I'll give thanks again for the fact that you have been made new and perfect in His arms. 

~ To God Be the Glory! 

Monday, February 25, 2013

Tsk Tsk...Sayang...


That's the word.

Can we all just say it together, just once, come on.. you can do it. Sayang... ready...


That's it! Good job.. now that we know everyone can say it... let's let that word go. For good.

For those that don't know, Sayang (Not sure if my spelling is right) is a tagalog word that means and can be used just like 'useless', pointless, worthless.  I have heard this word more times in the last week than I care to remember.

That has been the word of choice for several people when they learn of the new chapter I'm starting.  Due to a number of different issues, I'm in the process of moving back to KY.  I'll be finishing my degree there, possibly changing majors.  I can't go into all the details, but I've been praying about this for months and now God has been very clear to show me 'The time is now'.  And so... I'm wrapping things up here and moving back as soon as possible.  That also means . . . I'm withdrawing from this semester of school, and at the time of making that decision there was a little over a month left. . . and that is when the word of choice comes into play... 'tsk tsk.. sayang'.

And now I'd like to address that issue. . . I'm sorry if you think the last several months have been useless and amount to nothing because I don't finish the semester out.  I'm sorry you feel that I'm throwing things away.  I'm sorry you feel that the last months were pointless, but I disagree.

These past months have consisted of:
- smiles
-times of saddness
-times of joy
-times of prayer
-times of healing
-times of obedience
-times of learning

I have learned, I have heard, I have obeyed, now I hear... and I am obeying also.  Now I'm dropping everything once again to run after Him and where He's calling me to.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

No comparison.

This post has been written in my heart for a long time, I finally posted it.  

Once before I came to this same ocean, I held a precious little hand in mine.  A big wave came and tried to claim both ring from my finger and small hand from my hand.  The ring, though treasured, was of no comparison to the hand.  I held the hand firm.  I never saw the ring again.


I was foolish.

You were abusive.

I refused to see.

You refused to stay.

I had invested too much into our hands.

And now, the time has come,

It's time to choose,

and really there's no comparison.

Today I went back to those waters, and again I made a choice.

I am holding firm to myself.

I am holding firm to the life that God has called me to.

I am holding firm to my calling.

I am holding firm for I know I am His Bethia.

I am holding firm to me.

My heart holds firm to who He made me to be; and my heart shall never see you again.

I hold no ill-will to you, but I will also never wonder after you.
You are free to live your life, without any interference from I.
And I am free, free to fully chase after the life He has called me to.
I have let you go, never to see you again.
I let you go, so that I might run to Him.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

She's no longer a baby, no longer a toddler, but I see, as she zips here and there, as she solves her problems mentally on her own, as she makes observations... I see she's no longer a baby, she's a little girl, who's rapidly growing up.

She's learning to do puzzles... actually she's a complete wiz at them.  She loves them and has such an eye, piecing the surrounding colors together.

She loves books.

She still loves her babies, just as much as ever, but now..she's teaching them to read, as her teachers are teaching her.

She's beginning to find her style and loves her hair things.

She still has that infectious laugh, that comes from way down deep within her.

She that has captivated my heart, but she is longing for more, she deserves more than I am allowed to give.

I love her, so I must want what is best for her.  But she has a complete death grip on my heart.

How do you begin to let go of your very own heart?

Why I do what I do. .

I recently went back to the US for a visit.  My family and specifically my mother had the countdown going nearly as soon as, possibly even before, the tickets were actually purchased.  I walk through the airport to the waiting area, which is pretty much as I knew it would be.  It was like every time I come home: full of people, full of smiles, posters, cheers even.  Full of people that have come to the airport to welcome me home, to hug me, to tell me they missed me, to tell me they loved me.

And every time, this beautiful crowd of family and friends allow my parents to come to me first.

And every time, my mother is weeping.  She has tears streaming down her face because she really just loves me that much.  She loves having me there.  It is a blessing that will move her to tears every time.

Recently, we discharged a child, rather a young adult.  She had come over a year ago, and watching her grow and change, she truly became part of our family.  She was staying with us, while paperwork was finished so that she could join her adoptive family.  The family was already picked when she came to us.  They knew each other, she knew her family well and the family knew her.

We received the news papers were ready, the mom was coming, and with much anticipation of the reunion we waited. . .

I, personally was eager to see the reunion.  Knowing how sweet and tender the reunion between my own mother and I had been.  My heart warmed at the thought of even through the tearful goodbyes, a beautiful sweet reunion was still to take place.

At last, the mother arrived, and came in through the doors. . .

I was confused at this scene.

Instead of tears and joyful expressions... there was just looks and glances.  An empty suitcase and backpack were brought in and given, then the mother went to our staff and started talking to them, and after some bit of time, finally went and gave a small hug to her daughter.

My heart broke.

The mother had been delayed because of not wanting to spend so much on a taxi to get to our house in the evening traffic.

My heart broke yet more.

I've, personally, never known this sort of mother.  My life consists of parents, who pay for airline tickets to come see my distant home; parents who pray regularly for 'temporary grandchildren', some of whom they've never met; parents whom I know would do anything in this world in the blink of an eye if a situation arose in which I needed urgent or severe help; parents who shed tears of joy just at seeing me again.

And to think these qualities, while held closest to my parents, are not in any way limited to them.  I have a whole family, community, that would do the same.

My idea is not to judge this mother.  My reason for writing is to simply express my own emotions, as a sort of release.

To reflect upon the immense blessings that God has richly lavished upon me.

To have my calling reconfirmed, my reason for being here assured.

I am here to be His hands and feet.

I am here to love, to love as He loves me, with my whole self, holding nothing back.  Loved as my earthly parents love me and as my Heavenly Father loves me.

For while they are with us, we are to love them, for we do not always know or have a say in what awaits them after they leave us.