Sunday, February 28, 2010

In the arms of Jesus...

.. that's where my baby is. This afternoon around 2:20 pm my dear Pamela flew to Jesus. I praise God that Jesus is holding her and loving on her right now. I'm eagerly awaiting the day when I'll see my sweet baby once again!
I'd like to thank everyone for all the prayers, love, and encouragement that Pamela and I received over these last few weeks! They meant so much and we are so grateful! I can't say thank you enough!!
Oh, my dear Pamela, I love you and can't wait till I see you again!

Dec. 2009 - February 28, 2010
~ To God Be the Glory!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Jesus Loves Me...

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so.

I was in the middle of singing this song to Pamela last night, when the words in the middle hit me, and it was as if I were really listening to the words for the first time. Pamela is in God's hands and she belongs to Him; in her utter weakness, He is strong and will take care of her and make her new again!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

mag pahinga...

Monday, February 15, 2010
I had spent the last 3 nights in a tiny hospital room with my kasama watching over a dehydrated baby. We were feeding her every 2 hours, and since she was sick and fussy, sometimes the feedings would take nearly an hour, leaving an hour until the next scheduled feeding. Later this morning we were to be discharged, I was looking foward to being home again, seeing my little babies that I had been away from. That's when I got the first text from Ate Char...8:54 AM "Pamela is not going to live another day, I don't think." I struggled to catch my breath as I sat up in the hostpital bed as I read the words...quickly responding...

"She's that bad?? Will she still be alive when I get home with Mika?"
"She is weak. Very weak. . . Maybe you should come home and leave Joed there"
"On my way." ~ 8:56 AM

With that, I got up and started getting my things in my backpack and let Joed, my kasama for hospital duty, know that Pamela was dying and I was going back, he'd be on his own for the rest. I was trying not to get too panicky while I was waiting for the elevators, which were running incredibly slow. I hadn't known this day would come so soon, I had thought for sure I had a couple more weeks. Trying to remember how to breathe, I felt my phone vibrate and heard the familiar tone that signaled a new text. . . "Hurry up." I felt breath go out of my lungs...and I don't remember when it came back. I took off down the stairs running past patients and visitors and ignoring the odd looks that I got. I ignored the looks of the people passing me as I rushed home; all the way praying, Lord, please! Just one more hour please! Lord, just let me make it in time...just give her one more hour please! Let me get to her and see her one last time please God! Please give her one more hour! I finally made it home and got to the bedroom where my precious little girl layed, between Ate C. and Jomar. I took my place at her side... and that's where I stayed. Her hands and arms were cold, as the circulation was slowing. So there I sat, with one hand going between holding and warming her cold fingers, brushing my hands over her head, and stroking her cheeks (this last action usually gets the sweetest smile as a response... but today there is no smile, she's just too weak.). My other hand stays on her chest, with my fingertips right over her heart, feeling the beating of her heart, waiting for the moment when my fingers feel nothing beneath them.

As I wait, I talk to her, knowing that there is no point; the hydrocephalus has robbed her of hearing me. But I can't bear not to, so I talk, I tell her it's ok, Fly to Jesus baby girl! Go laugh and play with Jesus. Fly to Jesus. Mag Pahinga. This last phrase is something that I've learned in Tagalog, meaning something like just rest, sleep, and go in peace. The exhaustion and stress from the past few days catches up to me and batters me over and over in waves. From years of experience I fight the lump growing in my throat, I force back the tears that surge to the edge of my eyes. Temporarily... my old tricks work, and I can breathe somewhat normally. And then without notice, another wave hits me unprepared, and eventually, the tears start to roll down my cheek.

There I sat, expecting her to take her last breath at any moment. The Lord was gracious, He gave me the hour, and more. I sat there with her for 6 hours, when we began to notice she was leveling out. Her heartbeat became stable. While she was still weak, we began to realize that she was going to be around for a little longer. Even now, as I type this blog, she sleeps beside me. The end of her short life is very near, but for now we will wait for the LORD's timing.
~ To God Be the Glory!

Disclaimer: I've written about speaking to this dying baby, Fly to Jesus. I know that no where in the bible does it guarentee that children and babies that die go to heaven. I understand this, and would really rather not go into any theological debates about this topic at this time. I'm sorry, but this is my blog to write about my feelings and ministry. If you do have problems my saying this, please feel free to discontinue reading my blog.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

What is playing in my head...

Bridge from the song Hosannah by Hillsong:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and tried
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


The original plan was to observe her for a week... the week has come and gone and with heavy hearts we face what seems to be reality for her young soul. After a few days, seeing how sick she was, it seemed that little Pamela would live only about 3 months...sadly now the 3 months seems to be stretching it. Her head is growing at a extremely rapid rate, growing over 2 centimeters in this one week, a 1/2 a centimeter since only yesterday. Her breathing has become more shallow as the week progressed and she began sleeping more and eating less. This afternoon when I went to rub my fingers across her precious cheek, I felt the fever that had set in. We are now preparing for the fact that our mission here appears to be hospice style care for this precious baby.

With the growing of her head, it is now too dangerous to hold her, too dangerous to move her head. So, now I sit beside her little bed (made of a pillow in a big comfy chair) and simply hold her hands or rub her stomach, just to let her know she's not all alone. Touch is the only form of communication that I have with her, as the hydrocephalus has already taken her sight and hearing. So tonight.. I sit and I pray over her. I pray that the LORD's will be done here. I pray that He would give her peace and take away her pain. I pray that I would never again take my loving family for granted. I pray that God would give me forgiveness in my heart towards her parents, the people that brought her into this world, that were entrusted to care for her.... the people that abandoned this sweet child. I thank God for His sovereignty and I am reminded from my Godly mother that He is her maker. That He knew the number of her days before she even took one breath. He saw how everything would come to be... He saw how my heart would hurt for this little girl, how I would fall in love with her random little gurgles and sounds she makes throughout the day and night. He alone knows what is to come....
~To God Be the Glory!