mag pahinga...

Monday, February 15, 2010
I had spent the last 3 nights in a tiny hospital room with my kasama watching over a dehydrated baby. We were feeding her every 2 hours, and since she was sick and fussy, sometimes the feedings would take nearly an hour, leaving an hour until the next scheduled feeding. Later this morning we were to be discharged, I was looking foward to being home again, seeing my little babies that I had been away from. That's when I got the first text from Ate Char...8:54 AM "Pamela is not going to live another day, I don't think." I struggled to catch my breath as I sat up in the hostpital bed as I read the words...quickly responding...

"She's that bad?? Will she still be alive when I get home with Mika?"
"She is weak. Very weak. . . Maybe you should come home and leave Joed there"
"On my way." ~ 8:56 AM

With that, I got up and started getting my things in my backpack and let Joed, my kasama for hospital duty, know that Pamela was dying and I was going back, he'd be on his own for the rest. I was trying not to get too panicky while I was waiting for the elevators, which were running incredibly slow. I hadn't known this day would come so soon, I had thought for sure I had a couple more weeks. Trying to remember how to breathe, I felt my phone vibrate and heard the familiar tone that signaled a new text. . . "Hurry up." I felt breath go out of my lungs...and I don't remember when it came back. I took off down the stairs running past patients and visitors and ignoring the odd looks that I got. I ignored the looks of the people passing me as I rushed home; all the way praying, Lord, please! Just one more hour please! Lord, just let me make it in time...just give her one more hour please! Let me get to her and see her one last time please God! Please give her one more hour! I finally made it home and got to the bedroom where my precious little girl layed, between Ate C. and Jomar. I took my place at her side... and that's where I stayed. Her hands and arms were cold, as the circulation was slowing. So there I sat, with one hand going between holding and warming her cold fingers, brushing my hands over her head, and stroking her cheeks (this last action usually gets the sweetest smile as a response... but today there is no smile, she's just too weak.). My other hand stays on her chest, with my fingertips right over her heart, feeling the beating of her heart, waiting for the moment when my fingers feel nothing beneath them.

As I wait, I talk to her, knowing that there is no point; the hydrocephalus has robbed her of hearing me. But I can't bear not to, so I talk, I tell her it's ok, Fly to Jesus baby girl! Go laugh and play with Jesus. Fly to Jesus. Mag Pahinga. This last phrase is something that I've learned in Tagalog, meaning something like just rest, sleep, and go in peace. The exhaustion and stress from the past few days catches up to me and batters me over and over in waves. From years of experience I fight the lump growing in my throat, I force back the tears that surge to the edge of my eyes. Temporarily... my old tricks work, and I can breathe somewhat normally. And then without notice, another wave hits me unprepared, and eventually, the tears start to roll down my cheek.

There I sat, expecting her to take her last breath at any moment. The Lord was gracious, He gave me the hour, and more. I sat there with her for 6 hours, when we began to notice she was leveling out. Her heartbeat became stable. While she was still weak, we began to realize that she was going to be around for a little longer. Even now, as I type this blog, she sleeps beside me. The end of her short life is very near, but for now we will wait for the LORD's timing.
~ To God Be the Glory!


Disclaimer: I've written about speaking to this dying baby, Fly to Jesus. I know that no where in the bible does it guarentee that children and babies that die go to heaven. I understand this, and would really rather not go into any theological debates about this topic at this time. I'm sorry, but this is my blog to write about my feelings and ministry. If you do have problems my saying this, please feel free to discontinue reading my blog.