Goodnight 2013.

A conversation from earlier (after my grandmother and I were saying goodbye and discussing ''Happy New Year''s):

Grandma: Happy New Year.. It has to be better than 2013. 

Me: Has to be. 

Such true words.  Not sure I've ever had a harder year than 2013.  So much change, so much grief and mourning, so much 'valley-ness'.  

The storm is only for a season they say, but some storms leave trauma and permanent scars.  Scars that, no matter how much time passes, refuse to heal.

~~~

It is almost 9:30 PM on December 31, 2013 and for the last 1 1/2 hours I've suddenly hated that tonight is the night I have to stay awake till midnight.  And just now I have made the decision ... I'm going to bed.

I normally love staying up bringing the new year in, a little sentimentally to be honest.  Normally I don't think about the past year being good or bad, but just over too soon.  Not this year.  This year I am not staying up to see the year out.  I'm not welcoming in the new year.  I'm simply going to sleep and going to wake in 2014.

Because it has to be better than 2013.



Goodnight 2013, Happy New Year Everyone!

~ To God Be the Glory!

To believe or not to believe the lies...Overwhelmed.

Something I never expected to happen again... is happening.

I've registered for classes for this upcoming semester and I am here living in the US, finishing my degree up.

Living in the US.

I never expected to be back 'living' here and not just 'visiting'.

It's an odd feeling.

It's easy to look around at all the others my age having kids, getting married, (many also getting divorces), getting dream jobs... it's very easy and feel the pressure; to believe the lie...I'm so behind.

It's easy to see others rushing to the field and to believe the lie... I did that.. but I must have failed since I'm back.

It's easy to look around, living in my room in my parents' house and to believe the lie ... still living at home at 23... how pathetic.

It's easy to look around and see all my once so so close friends moving on with their lives, lives that seem so so completely separate from mine and to believe the lie...you left and they moved on.

It's easy to look around at the friends you expected to have when you came home and realize that they don't place the same value on the friendship that you had... it's easy then to believe the lie...you are totally and completely alone.

I look around and there is so much discouragement surrounding and many insecurities whispered into my ear.

There are times when I catch myself believing some of the lies. . . but then I remember.

I remember what actually happened.  I remember The Voice that led me thus far.  And HE has not led me this far to forget me now.  He will not leave me now.

Some of the lies still linger, some of them I know hold some truth, but I have let go of them.  The truth that is there has nothing to do with me.  I am thankful in knowing this was not of my doing, but of my obedience.

For years, my prayers have included the phrase ''LORD, You are all I need; You are enough.  Your grace is enough.''

And I think I'm beginning to understand that cry a little better as He continues to mold and shape me.

I'm beginning to realize what that prayer will sometimes look like in reality.  I'm seeing that though it was easy to pray that years ago, it is something else to abide in the truths of it.

And I see that in that, there is a choice.  Will I succumb to the lies and turn inward in self-pity, will I turn to the depressing darkness that I can feel Satan whispering from?

Or will I live as if I truly believe what I prayed for so many years?

And then... it is in that pause of realizing I have a choice... that is when I realize.. isn't this what FAITH is ALL ABOUT!?  And just like that... I take a deep breath in... knowing that He sees ALL.  He has brought me through this and used this life to help my faith.

Which then leads me to the thought that the LORD, the Creator of all Heaven and Earth, who spoke everything into existence has seen me; has formed me; has noticed me and has intentionally carried me through these unimaginable heartaches.

Emphasizing there that HE CARRIED ME THROUGH.  Unimaginable heartache...yes.  But instead of dwelling on the circumstance, I want to dwell on the CARRYING.  The act of my Heavenly Father, God over ALL, singling me out and intentionally carrying me through the heartaches that come with a sinful and an oh-so broken world.

And I spend hours, days, weeks, months trying to grasp that truth and at after months of thought on this topic my conclusion... Awe.

I come in complete awe of His love, His majesty, His power; complete and utter awe of who HE IS.  And knowing that my comprehension...is not that.  I can NOT comprehend Him.  My mere human mind is simply not capable...but the feeble grasp my mind has.. is mind blowing.

After months of serious thought and wonder... I am so thankful that I serve an Overwhelming GOD and not a god that can be overwhelmed!

~ TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

Memories

As I re-adjust back to life on this side of the world, often times someone will say something or I'll see something and a flood of memories come back to me from the past 4 years.  And every time I savor that memory.  I let it run its course and for a split second, I'm back.

These are the memories I don't want to lose.  They are not big or fancy or detailed, but they were my life. So I'm going to start writing and posting them, just as a way of documenting and remembering them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm at the end of the day.  I have 11 toddlers still tossing and turning and finding that 'just right' spot in their bed.  Some are not ready to sleep, but ready to talk or play.  But all are really exhausted, wether they are ready to admit it or not.  I have chores to finish up on, some cleaning, tidying up the room, putting away clean laundry, etc., and knowing their need for rest, I sing.  I sing the song I've sang for many months now.  The song that soothes and comforts while speaking truth. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

I open my eyes and my mental story time has come to a close.  I'm surrounded not by little beds, but rows of chairs.  No longer in a foreign land, but a KY sanctuary.  'Amazing Grace' has been sung, as is the tradition after taking the Lord's Supper, and with it's end, the congregation is dismissed.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Waiting and Healing

In the quiet there is healing.  Healing that comes not from man or from my own thoughts, but from Him; The One who created me; The One who called me.

He leads and I follow.  And I know that it is in Him alone that healing comes.  He has taught me that before and I know that it is He alone that I can trust.

So I will wait.

I will wait for Him to show me the next step.  And while I wait, I will trust Him.   I will trust that the healing is happening.  Even when it's slow coming, when it's not a sudden all-better all-at-once feeling, I will choose to trust and know that He is faithful to heal.

I will worship and trust while I wait.

~ To God Be the Glory!

For the first time...there are words.

So... maybe it's time I break this blog silence.

It's been a hard season.

I haven't blogged in a bit, because honestly, I haven't been able to do so.  I have not the strength to do so, not the words, not the energy or emotion.

I remember when I was younger, my family went to Holiday World and I went on a ride, a fast feel-like-you're-in-a-slingshot type ride; and I remember I wasn't exactly scared when I was on this ride.  It was fast, real fast, but on this particular ride, I wasn't scared.  I just held on.  Then, the ride ended...and I got up to get off...and that's when it set in, not fear...confusion.

I feel like I'm a child again.  I feel like the roller coaster has halted, and the lock has released and I'm just left with this unreal confusion.

But this time, the confusion is not easily remedied by a parent or aunt or older cousin to lead the way.  This confusion is like the ride, it's fierce.  It comes with a vengeance; it sweeps in stealing energy, meaning, comfort, direction.

It leaves me utterly exhausted.

And as I struggle to begin to get my bearings again, I struggle and falter, and there seems to be no words for my disoriented breathless gasps that I'm left with... and in the midst of this I KNOW that I'm not alone.  I KNOW that HE and ONLY HE is faithful.  When I have no breath to utter His promises, I  hear them in my mind.  In the times when I have no energy to shout the praises, my heart cries out with them within me.

And He is faithful to provide and to help.

And part of that help comes in HE putting the perfect song to play while I'm alone. . . and there is a bit of relief to know that even though I am unable to find words, someone was able.  That someone in this case was Tenth Avenue North.

And what I've KNOWN all along now fills my room . . . and for the first time . . . there are words.



Lord... Be Glorified in ALL that YOU take me through.  May my life ALWAYS glorify You, that is my life's purpose.  

~ To God Be the Glory!

On the days when I have no idea what God is doing. . .
On the days when it feels impossible to even breathe. . . 
On days like today. . . 
God, even in the times when I'm not sure of what is going on... one thing remains.  You alone are god, You alone are good, You along are always in control. Bless the Lord O my soul. . .

. . . And slowly, very slowly. . .  I feel His Presence surround me as the tears stream. . . and slowly there is healing.

He finally won.

~ To God Be the Glory!

February 28

Three years ago today.

This date is always special, sacred. 

I've dreamt of you growing up in heaven. 

I'll see you again one day my precious baby. 

And today I'll thank God again for the grace that He is faithful to give.  

And I'll give thanks again for the fact that you have been made new and perfect in His arms. 

~ To God Be the Glory! 

Tsk Tsk...Sayang...

Sayang.

That's the word.

Can we all just say it together, just once, come on.. you can do it. Sayang... ready...

 "SAYANG!!!"

That's it! Good job.. now that we know everyone can say it... let's let that word go. For good.

For those that don't know, Sayang (Not sure if my spelling is right) is a tagalog word that means and can be used just like 'useless', pointless, worthless.  I have heard this word more times in the last week than I care to remember.

That has been the word of choice for several people when they learn of the new chapter I'm starting.  Due to a number of different issues, I'm in the process of moving back to KY.  I'll be finishing my degree there, possibly changing majors.  I can't go into all the details, but I've been praying about this for months and now God has been very clear to show me 'The time is now'.  And so... I'm wrapping things up here and moving back as soon as possible.  That also means . . . I'm withdrawing from this semester of school, and at the time of making that decision there was a little over a month left. . . and that is when the word of choice comes into play... 'tsk tsk.. sayang'.

And now I'd like to address that issue. . . I'm sorry if you think the last several months have been useless and amount to nothing because I don't finish the semester out.  I'm sorry you feel that I'm throwing things away.  I'm sorry you feel that the last months were pointless, but I disagree.

These past months have consisted of:
- smiles
-giggles
-laughter
-tears
-times of saddness
-times of joy
-times of prayer
-times of healing
-times of obedience
-times of learning

I have learned, I have heard, I have obeyed, now I hear... and I am obeying also.  Now I'm dropping everything once again to run after Him and where He's calling me to.

No comparison.

This post has been written in my heart for a long time, I finally posted it.  

Once before I came to this same ocean, I held a precious little hand in mine.  A big wave came and tried to claim both ring from my finger and small hand from my hand.  The ring, though treasured, was of no comparison to the hand.  I held the hand firm.  I never saw the ring again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was foolish.

You were abusive.

I refused to see.

You refused to stay.

I had invested too much into our hands.

And now, the time has come,

It's time to choose,

and really there's no comparison.

Today I went back to those waters, and again I made a choice.

I am holding firm to myself.

I am holding firm to the life that God has called me to.

I am holding firm to my calling.

I am holding firm for I know I am His Bethia.

I am holding firm to me.

My heart holds firm to who He made me to be; and my heart shall never see you again.



I hold no ill-will to you, but I will also never wonder after you.
You are free to live your life, without any interference from I.
And I am free, free to fully chase after the life He has called me to.
I have let you go, never to see you again.
I let you go, so that I might run to Him.

She's no longer a baby, no longer a toddler, but I see, as she zips here and there, as she solves her problems mentally on her own, as she makes observations... I see she's no longer a baby, she's a little girl, who's rapidly growing up.


She's learning to do puzzles... actually she's a complete wiz at them.  She loves them and has such an eye, piecing the surrounding colors together.

She loves books.

She still loves her babies, just as much as ever, but now..she's teaching them to read, as her teachers are teaching her.

She's beginning to find her style and loves her hair things.

She still has that infectious laugh, that comes from way down deep within her.

She that has captivated my heart, but she is longing for more, she deserves more than I am allowed to give.

I love her, so I must want what is best for her.  But she has a complete death grip on my heart.

How do you begin to let go of your very own heart?

Why I do what I do. .

I recently went back to the US for a visit.  My family and specifically my mother had the countdown going nearly as soon as, possibly even before, the tickets were actually purchased.  I walk through the airport to the waiting area, which is pretty much as I knew it would be.  It was like every time I come home: full of people, full of smiles, posters, cheers even.  Full of people that have come to the airport to welcome me home, to hug me, to tell me they missed me, to tell me they loved me.

And every time, this beautiful crowd of family and friends allow my parents to come to me first.

And every time, my mother is weeping.  She has tears streaming down her face because she really just loves me that much.  She loves having me there.  It is a blessing that will move her to tears every time.


Recently, we discharged a child, rather a young adult.  She had come over a year ago, and watching her grow and change, she truly became part of our family.  She was staying with us, while paperwork was finished so that she could join her adoptive family.  The family was already picked when she came to us.  They knew each other, she knew her family well and the family knew her.

We received the news papers were ready, the mom was coming, and with much anticipation of the reunion we waited. . .

I, personally was eager to see the reunion.  Knowing how sweet and tender the reunion between my own mother and I had been.  My heart warmed at the thought of even through the tearful goodbyes, a beautiful sweet reunion was still to take place.

At last, the mother arrived, and came in through the doors. . .

I was confused at this scene.

Instead of tears and joyful expressions... there was just looks and glances.  An empty suitcase and backpack were brought in and given, then the mother went to our staff and started talking to them, and after some bit of time, finally went and gave a small hug to her daughter.

My heart broke.

The mother had been delayed because of not wanting to spend so much on a taxi to get to our house in the evening traffic.

My heart broke yet more.

I've, personally, never known this sort of mother.  My life consists of parents, who pay for airline tickets to come see my distant home; parents who pray regularly for 'temporary grandchildren', some of whom they've never met; parents whom I know would do anything in this world in the blink of an eye if a situation arose in which I needed urgent or severe help; parents who shed tears of joy just at seeing me again.

And to think these qualities, while held closest to my parents, are not in any way limited to them.  I have a whole family, community, that would do the same.

My idea is not to judge this mother.  My reason for writing is to simply express my own emotions, as a sort of release.

To reflect upon the immense blessings that God has richly lavished upon me.

To have my calling reconfirmed, my reason for being here assured.

I am here to be His hands and feet.

I am here to love, to love as He loves me, with my whole self, holding nothing back.  Loved as my earthly parents love me and as my Heavenly Father loves me.

For while they are with us, we are to love them, for we do not always know or have a say in what awaits them after they leave us.