Friday, August 9, 2013

To believe or not to believe the lies...Overwhelmed.

Something I never expected to happen again... is happening.

I've registered for classes for this upcoming semester and I am here living in the US, finishing my degree up.

Living in the US.

I never expected to be back 'living' here and not just 'visiting'.

It's an odd feeling.

It's easy to look around at all the others my age having kids, getting married, (many also getting divorces), getting dream jobs... it's very easy and feel the pressure; to believe the lie...I'm so behind.

It's easy to see others rushing to the field and to believe the lie... I did that.. but I must have failed since I'm back.

It's easy to look around, living in my room in my parents' house and to believe the lie ... still living at home at 23... how pathetic.

It's easy to look around and see all my once so so close friends moving on with their lives, lives that seem so so completely separate from mine and to believe the left and they moved on.

It's easy to look around at the friends you expected to have when you came home and realize that they don't place the same value on the friendship that you had... it's easy then to believe the are totally and completely alone.

I look around and there is so much discouragement surrounding and many insecurities whispered into my ear.

There are times when I catch myself believing some of the lies. . . but then I remember.

I remember what actually happened.  I remember The Voice that led me thus far.  And HE has not led me this far to forget me now.  He will not leave me now.

Some of the lies still linger, some of them I know hold some truth, but I have let go of them.  The truth that is there has nothing to do with me.  I am thankful in knowing this was not of my doing, but of my obedience.

For years, my prayers have included the phrase ''LORD, You are all I need; You are enough.  Your grace is enough.''

And I think I'm beginning to understand that cry a little better as He continues to mold and shape me.

I'm beginning to realize what that prayer will sometimes look like in reality.  I'm seeing that though it was easy to pray that years ago, it is something else to abide in the truths of it.

And I see that in that, there is a choice.  Will I succumb to the lies and turn inward in self-pity, will I turn to the depressing darkness that I can feel Satan whispering from?

Or will I live as if I truly believe what I prayed for so many years?

And then... it is in that pause of realizing I have a choice... that is when I realize.. isn't this what FAITH is ALL ABOUT!?  And just like that... I take a deep breath in... knowing that He sees ALL.  He has brought me through this and used this life to help my faith.

Which then leads me to the thought that the LORD, the Creator of all Heaven and Earth, who spoke everything into existence has seen me; has formed me; has noticed me and has intentionally carried me through these unimaginable heartaches.

Emphasizing there that HE CARRIED ME THROUGH.  Unimaginable heartache...yes.  But instead of dwelling on the circumstance, I want to dwell on the CARRYING.  The act of my Heavenly Father, God over ALL, singling me out and intentionally carrying me through the heartaches that come with a sinful and an oh-so broken world.

And I spend hours, days, weeks, months trying to grasp that truth and at after months of thought on this topic my conclusion... Awe.

I come in complete awe of His love, His majesty, His power; complete and utter awe of who HE IS.  And knowing that my not that.  I can NOT comprehend Him.  My mere human mind is simply not capable...but the feeble grasp my mind has.. is mind blowing.

After months of serious thought and wonder... I am so thankful that I serve an Overwhelming GOD and not a god that can be overwhelmed!


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