Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Love you so very much darling!

So, I've had specific topic for a blog post on my heart for a while now, something that I know I need to share.. yet I've been hesitating to share.. because I feel like so many of my posts are downing and pessimistic to an extent, hitting on how stressful life is or what I'm struggling with. And I don't want to sound like I'm whining about my life, that is not at all what I'm doing. My life is just.. so different now and it is so intense, if you will, compared to my life before. So.. depressing or not... here is what is on my heart, here is what I'm dealing with at the moment...this is life for me as I know it right now...


So... before I ever came to the Philippines, I knew it would be tough to work in an *rphanage. But it is continuing to hit me so much harder over and over again. Here I am, I work long and tiring hours, and joyful hours, I get so attached to these children, and the names they pick for me (its always varying... so far.. Ate Briffney (sometimes Brittany can be tough for the little ones), Ah Benny, Ninny, Ellen (Jonalyn was convinced my name wass Ellen), Abby, MamMom), I deal with pee and poop on a consistent daily basis (you gotta love potty training 8 at once.), I discipline them, I hold them responsible, I wash them, I wipe their noses when they get seasonal allergy crud, I rock them when they fall down, I hold them close when they are sick and puking everywhere, I pray with them every night, I've assigned blankets so that each child has his/her own personal blankie to sleep with and take with them when they leave... when they leave... when they leave...

All this is done... so that Lord-willing.. they will leave. We have had several ad*ptions this past year and will have many more in this one to come, and each time, its like a thread in my heart comes loose. I require so much from them, I try and teach them so much, I love them with every bit of my heart that the Lord has given me, I tell them "I love YOU" .. so that one day.. they will turn to someone that is a complete stranger to me and say... "I love you Mommy".



This has always been the goal, to place these children with their forever families so that they can grow, thrive, have all the attention they could ever want, and experience the true love of a family... but it's just hitting me lately. When you have a visitor come and say.. 'Oh.. he's so cute.. I'll just take him' (jokingly of course), but often times when I hear that... my senses perk up and my initial thought is... Um.. excuse me??..NO.. He's mine.. you can't have him. What are you thinking?? Then it dawns on me.. they are never really mine. I love them as mine... but they are not. I realize how selfish we are as humans, always wanting to have ours.


There are so many blogs out there that I've been following and reading about families and parents on their adoption journeys.. they are beautiful to read and hear how the Lord works and brings it all together. My life is the story behind the scenes. It is the reversed adoption story... I love them and love them and instead of counting down the days till we will be together forever.. I count the days till I have to say goodbye...

This is a tough life, I never dreamed that I would ever be able to do anything like this.. but I am honored. I am honored that the Lord has chosen me to do this, has chosen me to be there for them and hold and love them until their families can get to them. I'm honored that He would give me daily, hourly, His strength to do what must be done.


His grace is sufficient.


So for now.. I will continue to hold them, I will continue to love, I will continue to kiss them. I will gladly welcome those little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, as they simultaneously tighten their grip on my heart. I will remember to be a little more gentle when R is getting out of his bed for the 20th time (which he did tonight), after I've told him 21 times to get into bed and go to sleep. I will remember to just let another sigh out when N pees or poops in her underwear instead of the CR for the 3rd or so time, when I just took her to the CR 5 minutes ago (which she did today), I will remember to go down on my off duty time, just to be able to sit and cuddle for a while while someone else is 'working' (which I did this morning).

For now, I will continue every night to say...

"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you L! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you R! Goodnight!"
"I love you N! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"
"I love you A! Goodnight!"
"I love you M! Goodnight!"
"I love you J! Goodnight!"

... Till one by one.. All those initials may be gone and new ones added to the list...

~ To God Be the Glory!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweetie,

Again, I don't have words...! You are doing what God has called you to do! And in using another gift He's given you, we get to read about it here on your blog.

You're right...your life IS intense, your blogs are intense and deep as a result of that, living your life and seeing life where you are-where God has led you. And where you are involves a lot of things that many of us have not had to deal with or confront in our cozy little lives. I don't think of your blogs as depressing but by all means they are eye-openers, for which I am grateful.

You are doing SO much for these little ones. They are so blessed to have you in their lives, as I know they are blessing you in return.

And, again, you are correct when you say you want to be protective and possesive of them and say, "He/She is MINE"...that is a mothering instinct,too. I know, for you see, I've had to say that, too!

But God is faithful...
For His Glory!

I love you tons & miss you lots!!! <3 Momma

M said...

Brittany,
I appreciate your sacrifice. I know first hand the trauma that our sweet little ones can endure while they are away from their forever families. I appreciate that you are part of healing that trauma until their Mommies and Daddies can kiss them forever. You are teaching them to love and to be loved as that is so difficult for some. You are laying the ground work and preparing them for their families...what sweet and important work you do. Missy

N.E. said...

Brittany,
From a 4 time adoptive mom, let me say THANK YOU on behalf of all adoptive parents. I have often grieved the unfair position of my childrens' caregivers. You are supposed to love these kids with reckless abandon and then gladly turn them over to us when we walk in with our arms open. I'm sure many adoptive parents don't even stop to think of the pain of the caregivers because they are so wrapped up in the joy of their new child. I can tell you that adopting a child who has been loved is vastly different from adopting one who has not. That early training, love and care you give translates into a LIFETIME of bonding ability, empathy for others and inter dependence that our adopted kiddos would not have developed otherwise. You are truly doing for the "least of these" and in so doing, you are serving Him - the only one worthy of such devotion. THANK YOU!!!

Anonymous said...

Girl, you are so amazing and the forever families are so lucky to have you work there and love the little ones. I pray that all the kids get adopted, but I never thought about how you feel about that. Thank you again for sharing and bringing home to us your thoughts and feelings. God Bless you and all the workers there!!!!Keep up the good work and remember God has called you to do amazing work and you are doing it with such grace, love and friendship.

yellowgirl said...

brittany, this is deep...can i share this on my FB profile? i am amazed at the depth of your commitment...you who think you don't have talent.

girl, you have talent. you have strength. you are turning into ate c.

scary stuff, right there..

but good.

if you need a break, just let me know.

and by the way, i have a feeling that one day soon, one of these kids that come along is going to stay...:)