The Knocking Behind the Door...

It has been nearly a year since I saw your face...And I was happy for it.

I loved you as my own family, I dreamt of driving with you in car seats in the back of my taurus.

Everytime I saw a little girls' jacket, I pictured how you'd look in it and whether you'd like the cold or not.

I pictured you with Bub, I knew he would be smitten with you as soon as he saw you.. He would be just a wonderful big brother to you as he was to me.

I imagined you at christmas time meeting all of our crazy family.

I knew Grandma and Mam-Ma would have a wonderful time spoiling you with all their grandmotherly goodness.

I smiled when I thought of you riding the tractor with the grandpas.. one of my favorite childhood memories.

I saw in my mind Daddy teaching you how to ride a bike in the front yard, as he did me.

I pictured you cuddled up with Momma watching one of your favorite movies.
.

Then quicker than I ever knew . . . you were gone.

You were gone in a moment when I was darker and lower than ever before and in an effort to keep some of myself together, I did what I had to do... I put you and all the dreams in a room and I shut the door, and turned my back on that door and pretended it didn't exist. Whenever you were mentioned, I just put a fake smile on.. and turned my hearing off.

You were gone and you ceased to exist in my mind.

I liked it that way.

I could keep going on without the hurt that way.

And then before I knew it.. when I wasn't expecting it...there you were right in front of me... looking at me with those eyes...

And I heard the knocking behind the door...

It was easier when you simply ceased to exist anymore.

It was easier to shut it all out.

It was easier to ignore.

But my walls were no good against physical weapons...against curious eyes... beautiful shy smile... precious voice...

My walls crumbled under the games of others..

So.. tho my walls are damaged, I now begin the process of building them back..

I'm tidying up and pushing everything back in the room and am shutting the door again..

I know it won't be long till it will all come out and I will have to deal with everything... but that time is not yet here.

For now...you are not reality to me..you are just a dream...you are a nightmare.

But now...

... I hear the knocking behind the door.


~ To God Be the Glory!