Isaiah 41-43

I've spent the last several days taking a 'vacation'. I went away from the orphanage the day after Pamela's cremation to simply get away and process everything. Pamela's death, though I am able to rejoice in it, has been one of, if not the, most difficult times I have ever faced in my life. I truly believe that God brought Pamela into my life for a purpose and that she was in fact my daughter. This past weekend, someone saw her picture on my phone and when they asked who it was, I responded simply, "That's my daughter." Forever more, the name of my first child will always be Pamela. As I said before, I believe that God brought my daughter to me for a reason, and even though I only knew her a short time, God is continually reaffirming her title as my daughter. I realize now that as much as I love the other kids in the orphanage, even my dear Aveline, they/she is not mine. God did not give them to me as He gave Pamela to me. I feel it in my heart and I feel it from God that she was mine. The ache in my heart that I feel now is unlike anything I have ever felt before. Even in the midst of missing the children of GH during my months back in the US... that was different; this new ache is deeper.

I know that many back home are probably wondering, "Ok, so now that you've gone through this tragic point in your life... are you ready to finally give this up and come home? Now that you've seen how hard it can be, have you gotten this out of your system?" My answer is a resounding "NO!"

These last few days, God has started to reveal parts of His plan for my life. Though Pamela's death has been hard, it is only the beginning. God has used her precious little life to teach me so many things! He has opened my eyes to so much through all of this.

This is my life and I love it! There are hard times, as I've mentioned and you've read about, but even in the midst of the hardest times, I know that I belong here and I love it! I love the chaos, the loudness, the crying, and the laughter. I'm in love with this place. I walked in the door today after being gone for nearly 4 days, and got hugged by a group of 6-8 year-olds.. took another step and Patrick, one of my four boys that I'm in charge of, was leaping through the air towards me, attaching to me like a koala bear.. I LOVE THAT!!! I MISSED THAT!!! More hugs followed from Em and Franz, who simply laid down in my lap and just sat there with me! Patrick hugged me all evening! As nice and as necessary as the time away was, I missed them; walking back through the doors, I knew I was home again.

He has reminded me over and over again these past few days of His promises that He will always be with me and never leave me. I have and still am in the process of diving into Isaiah 41-43... these chapters are overflowing with the promises of God's love, protection, faithfulness, and provision! They have been tremendous comfort to me during this time, just to read how much God loves me and cares for me; He will always be with me, always watching over me! He has a plan for my life and is faithful to bring it unto completion in His timing!

Isaiah 41:9b - 10 ~ "'You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:13 - 14 ~ "For I the LORD your God hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you. Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel! I am the one who helps you', declares the LORD; your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel."

Isaiah 43: 1b - 2 ~ "'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are min. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

This crazy life is where God has called me. I can't be anywhere else.

~ To God Be the Glory!