Where O where to start?? I just got back tonight from "A Night With the Chapmans"... to say it was a wonderful night of worship would be an understatement. The Lord dealt with me about a few things, two main things, one of which I'll share in another post tonight, but right now is something that I'm just going to share. Part of this blog, while it is to keep everyone updated on my journey of following the LORD where He leads, it is also a way of just expressing myself, letting ya'll know what's on my heart. So.. here it is... this is what has been on my heart.
As the night started, I was thinking, how grateful I am that the LORD allowed (predestined) me to be home during the time that the Chapmans would be touring through Louisville. Only the LORD knows how much of a comfort the words on the album Beauty Will Rise, my Steven Curtis Chapman have been; how they have continually reminded me of God's promises; how the lyrics put words to the thoughts and feelings that were reeling inside of me surround my sweet time with Pamela.
Tonight as we were closing the night in worship of our God, nearly everyone was in tears, simply thinking of how God has been faithful in delivering us from the various valleys that we've been through; for me it was a time of remembering the LORD's constant presence during that time, when I went through the darkest valley I have ever been through. Tears had already formed a steady stream on my cheeks, and when Steven had finished one of his songs, he started with a song many of us know It is Well With My Soul;... my thoughts when he started playing that song, 'At least it's not Pamela's song...I can at least sing this... if he started playing her song right now, I would really lose it.' For those of you who do not remember my updated 1 month post Pamela's journey to Jesus, it is here: http://louisvillegal.blogspot.com/2010/03/march-28-2010.html .
Well...wouldn't you know it...a couple minutes later the beginning of that very song started playing. I sat down and no longer was there a steady stream, but a river of tears. I sobbed. I sobbed, hard, the hardest I have cried in 7 months, since I was last with my daughter. I have surely cried, as many of those who have been around me in these last months can testify; but I have not sobbed as I did tonight.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of and miss my daughter, but on most days I don't dive into those memories, I intentionally don't go back mentally; I don't want to live in the past and dwell on the pain, when I know that the LORD has so many blessing in the present and that the pain for my little girl is gone, she is happy with Jesus. But on the rare occasions when I do just go back and dwell for a few minutes and reflect on the love that I still carry every day for her, I realize...even when she is in the arms of Jesus, I still love her more and more every day.
~ To God Be the Glory!
No comments:
Post a Comment