Saturday, November 13, 2010

Stunned...

So, I'm starting this post, not knowing in what direction it will go. There have been so many things running around my head, that I don't know where to begin.



Friday night, I went to church and everyone could just tell that there was something off, and they asked if I was ok and all, and I replied, 'Yea, I'm fine, just a very emotional past few weeks.' And I started thinking about it and was like 'Oh wow God... you really are making sure I never forget that You and You alone are going to be the One who gets me through all of this' because without Him, I probably couldn't handle a single one of these things, much less, all together. In the past month I've


  • Said the official goodbye and moved away from home... to the other side of the world. Leaving family, friends, places, memories etc.

  • Said a very very hard goodbye to my parents. And for once, they were doing the leaving and I just stayed behind and they got on the plane.

  • Celebrated what would have been my daughter's 1st birthday.

  • Witnessed the bittersweet (for us) adoption of one of our little ones. K left with her Forever Family this past week. Rejoicing in God's work, but also stunned by our own loss.

  • Those are the main things, but there are a couple other more things that are also running around my head...

I think the word I used for bullet #4 is appropriate, I am stunned. Just stunned.


Stunned because the last weekend I woke up and was thinking about what I would do with Momma and Daddy today... forgetting that they left Friday night.


Stunned because there are always gonna be days when I just need to be held in big hug by my brother. His hugs make everything all right.. they are magic.. I'm certain of it.


Stunned because my 2 best friends back home are going through 2 different joys of life, things we all dreamed of... and I'm not there to witness the growth of new life within another ... and I'm not there to help plan the special days.


Stunned because, I can't even begin to describe how my arms ache to hold her again. How a month was just too short.


Stunned because in the midst of my pain and saddness, I'm surrounded by children who have never known the love of a mother and father, much less that of a Momma and Daddy. Kids who for their first years won't have the memories that are my nightly slide show in my mind. Memories of picnics in the yard w/ BBQ chips with Momma. Memories of when Daddy first taught you how to ride a 2-wheeler in the front yard on a girly pink and white bike. Memories of sneaking upstairs with Bub at 1 am to get a midnight snack or a movie, or playing hide n go seek in the dark outside on summer nights. That realization hits me like a ton of bricks, how dare I be sad for what I've lost, when these precious children have never had a taste of it to begin with.. instead, most of them have had much much worse to remember.

Stunned because today as we are leaving Malabon, Ate hands me a baby, I've seen her a couple times before, been to her house a couple times. I don't know much of her story, just that she has some obvious special needs, she is 9 years old (tho she looks 3 or 4) and from what I understand, her mother up and left. I can't imagine what this little girl has gone through. Her eyes are just haunted with pain. As one person said today 'Even her face is sad,... its just a sad face.' And its true, even when she gives you that tiny little smile.. her face is still sad.

Stunned at how much God loves me. Stunned at how He has planned this life specifically for me, that He cared enough to change the plans I had for myself, for something so much greater.. His plans for me.


I'll be honest, I don't understand it, not one bit of it. Most all of life makes no sense to me at all. But this I know... God is in control. He is sovereign. In Him I will trust and in Him will I find my comfort and my peace. When all else fails... ALL ELSE FAILS... He will not leave me. I will cling to Him.


~ To God Be the Glory!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Britt,
Again you have shared your heart in the most elegant of ways. I know this is a gift that God has given you, the ability to enlighten us on how to best pray for you and the babies God has placed in your life, while also giving glory to God.

I've read your blog and once again God has used it to humble my own heart. My heart aches for these precious babies, and I miss you so much, too....as I read your blog my mind went directly to all of the scenes, all of the memories, you described and enjoyed them yet again, I could remember these same things! God helped us make those memories and He keeps them alive for us.

I'm praying that God will enlighten you on how to start making some special memories with each of the children you are working with...memories that make them each feel as special as God created them to be...memories that they, too, can reflect back on one day and thank God for...and memories that lead them to thank God for using you to help make these memories such a real and valid part of thier lives. May God be glorified in the making of these special dreams!

I love you and I'm praying for you daily that God will protect you and give you strength, wisdom and direction!

Love Ya Lots,
Momma

denie heppner said...

brittany, you are a rock. i've said it before, i'll say it again...i am SO GLAD you are there. you have the gift of being a mom. that is the greatest gift in the world. the emotions are flooding, i know...but dig down deep and get your bearings, and soon it will all be part of the new life you are living and you will "go with the flow". those little faces that light up when you walk in the room are very lucky/blessed to have you, and you are truly making memories with them.

love you!