Waiting and Healing

In the quiet there is healing.  Healing that comes not from man or from my own thoughts, but from Him; The One who created me; The One who called me.

He leads and I follow.  And I know that it is in Him alone that healing comes.  He has taught me that before and I know that it is He alone that I can trust.

So I will wait.

I will wait for Him to show me the next step.  And while I wait, I will trust Him.   I will trust that the healing is happening.  Even when it's slow coming, when it's not a sudden all-better all-at-once feeling, I will choose to trust and know that He is faithful to heal.

I will worship and trust while I wait.

~ To God Be the Glory!

For the first time...there are words.

So... maybe it's time I break this blog silence.

It's been a hard season.

I haven't blogged in a bit, because honestly, I haven't been able to do so.  I have not the strength to do so, not the words, not the energy or emotion.

I remember when I was younger, my family went to Holiday World and I went on a ride, a fast feel-like-you're-in-a-slingshot type ride; and I remember I wasn't exactly scared when I was on this ride.  It was fast, real fast, but on this particular ride, I wasn't scared.  I just held on.  Then, the ride ended...and I got up to get off...and that's when it set in, not fear...confusion.

I feel like I'm a child again.  I feel like the roller coaster has halted, and the lock has released and I'm just left with this unreal confusion.

But this time, the confusion is not easily remedied by a parent or aunt or older cousin to lead the way.  This confusion is like the ride, it's fierce.  It comes with a vengeance; it sweeps in stealing energy, meaning, comfort, direction.

It leaves me utterly exhausted.

And as I struggle to begin to get my bearings again, I struggle and falter, and there seems to be no words for my disoriented breathless gasps that I'm left with... and in the midst of this I KNOW that I'm not alone.  I KNOW that HE and ONLY HE is faithful.  When I have no breath to utter His promises, I  hear them in my mind.  In the times when I have no energy to shout the praises, my heart cries out with them within me.

And He is faithful to provide and to help.

And part of that help comes in HE putting the perfect song to play while I'm alone. . . and there is a bit of relief to know that even though I am unable to find words, someone was able.  That someone in this case was Tenth Avenue North.

And what I've KNOWN all along now fills my room . . . and for the first time . . . there are words.



Lord... Be Glorified in ALL that YOU take me through.  May my life ALWAYS glorify You, that is my life's purpose.  

~ To God Be the Glory!

On the days when I have no idea what God is doing. . .
On the days when it feels impossible to even breathe. . . 
On days like today. . . 
God, even in the times when I'm not sure of what is going on... one thing remains.  You alone are god, You alone are good, You along are always in control. Bless the Lord O my soul. . .

. . . And slowly, very slowly. . .  I feel His Presence surround me as the tears stream. . . and slowly there is healing.

He finally won.

~ To God Be the Glory!

February 28

Three years ago today.

This date is always special, sacred. 

I've dreamt of you growing up in heaven. 

I'll see you again one day my precious baby. 

And today I'll thank God again for the grace that He is faithful to give.  

And I'll give thanks again for the fact that you have been made new and perfect in His arms. 

~ To God Be the Glory! 

Tsk Tsk...Sayang...

Sayang.

That's the word.

Can we all just say it together, just once, come on.. you can do it. Sayang... ready...

 "SAYANG!!!"

That's it! Good job.. now that we know everyone can say it... let's let that word go. For good.

For those that don't know, Sayang (Not sure if my spelling is right) is a tagalog word that means and can be used just like 'useless', pointless, worthless.  I have heard this word more times in the last week than I care to remember.

That has been the word of choice for several people when they learn of the new chapter I'm starting.  Due to a number of different issues, I'm in the process of moving back to KY.  I'll be finishing my degree there, possibly changing majors.  I can't go into all the details, but I've been praying about this for months and now God has been very clear to show me 'The time is now'.  And so... I'm wrapping things up here and moving back as soon as possible.  That also means . . . I'm withdrawing from this semester of school, and at the time of making that decision there was a little over a month left. . . and that is when the word of choice comes into play... 'tsk tsk.. sayang'.

And now I'd like to address that issue. . . I'm sorry if you think the last several months have been useless and amount to nothing because I don't finish the semester out.  I'm sorry you feel that I'm throwing things away.  I'm sorry you feel that the last months were pointless, but I disagree.

These past months have consisted of:
- smiles
-giggles
-laughter
-tears
-times of saddness
-times of joy
-times of prayer
-times of healing
-times of obedience
-times of learning

I have learned, I have heard, I have obeyed, now I hear... and I am obeying also.  Now I'm dropping everything once again to run after Him and where He's calling me to.

No comparison.

This post has been written in my heart for a long time, I finally posted it.  

Once before I came to this same ocean, I held a precious little hand in mine.  A big wave came and tried to claim both ring from my finger and small hand from my hand.  The ring, though treasured, was of no comparison to the hand.  I held the hand firm.  I never saw the ring again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was foolish.

You were abusive.

I refused to see.

You refused to stay.

I had invested too much into our hands.

And now, the time has come,

It's time to choose,

and really there's no comparison.

Today I went back to those waters, and again I made a choice.

I am holding firm to myself.

I am holding firm to the life that God has called me to.

I am holding firm to my calling.

I am holding firm for I know I am His Bethia.

I am holding firm to me.

My heart holds firm to who He made me to be; and my heart shall never see you again.



I hold no ill-will to you, but I will also never wonder after you.
You are free to live your life, without any interference from I.
And I am free, free to fully chase after the life He has called me to.
I have let you go, never to see you again.
I let you go, so that I might run to Him.

She's no longer a baby, no longer a toddler, but I see, as she zips here and there, as she solves her problems mentally on her own, as she makes observations... I see she's no longer a baby, she's a little girl, who's rapidly growing up.


She's learning to do puzzles... actually she's a complete wiz at them.  She loves them and has such an eye, piecing the surrounding colors together.

She loves books.

She still loves her babies, just as much as ever, but now..she's teaching them to read, as her teachers are teaching her.

She's beginning to find her style and loves her hair things.

She still has that infectious laugh, that comes from way down deep within her.

She that has captivated my heart, but she is longing for more, she deserves more than I am allowed to give.

I love her, so I must want what is best for her.  But she has a complete death grip on my heart.

How do you begin to let go of your very own heart?