"You're finally free baby.. fly to Jesus" ... 1 year later

"You're finally free baby...fly to Jesus."

Staring at the blank "New Post" page... oh what to put...

I spent last week in a dream land, beautiful beaches, unbelievable beauty.

Now I am at the start of a new week.

The week starts.. with today.

It was a year ago that I said those words. After waiting hours, days, weeks... the time finally came to say those words, to say my final goodbye to my baby.

When I said those words.. you were already there.. I didn't need to say any of it.. but for my own sake, I did.

If I were poetic, I'd put a wonderful poem up here.

If bold, I'd write a wonderful song.

If artistic, a beautiful drawing.

But I am none of these things, I'm simply the one who was to be your mommy. I am simply the one whose heart is full of love for you my daughter. I am simply the one blessed enough to call you mine. I am simply the one who has cried over and over for my selfish loss.

I am simply your mommy that loves you more than anyone else on this earth.

You Pamela give me motivation to keep loving... to dig deeper for the extra love in my heart... to keep going. Because I know in my heart, that there are more just like you baby, there are more little ones alone... waiting...

I love you so much Pamela Santos... I've seen it.. I've seen the day when the LORD will place you in my arms again... dreaming of that day as Jesus takes us both into His arms and we will worship Him forever more!

~ To God Be the Glory!

Life and Death

I've said it before I'll say it again... the life I live now is life and death. Life and death every day. Yesterday, on Valentine's Day, I posted early how I was remembering this time last year as my dear Pamela started down the road to Heaven.

As I was posting, I knew another one of our precious little ones at GH, Christian, was about to turn that same corner. I was also told that yesterday afternoon, I would be needed to go and pick up a new baby from a hospital.

I went, and while I was bringing this new little one home, Christian, made his way to his heavenly home with Jesus.

While we grieve our loss of his life, we rejoice.. oh we rejoice.. that Christian is no longer in any pain, he is finally free, free to run and jump and play in Heaven! He is FREE!!

While we still feel all these emotions, we will carry on.. for there are more just like Christian. More waiting to feel love for the first time in their life. More waiting to know what it means to be held, to be loved, to be cherrished, to be safe, to be full, to be at peace. More just like the precious baby boy I brought home yesterday.

~ To God Be the Glory!

A year ago..

Whenever I think this life is getting tough, whenever I feel like its really wearing on me.. I remember.. a year ago today. A year ago today I got the dreaded text, "Hurry up!". I ran home from the hospital, praying with my whole heart for you to hold on.. and hold on you did... You clung to life with all that you had, astonishing us all... you fought with all that you had.

Life seems so easy now. Caring for 9 lives. Potty training 9 toddlers at once, dealing with 9 "Terrible Two's"... it all seems so easy..... compared to this time last year. I don't know how I lived through this time last year..but God brought me through it.

I woke that morning thinking.. I'm spending Valentine's Day in the hospital with a dehydrated baby...the day ended with me laying by your side, holding your cold little hand in one hand.. the other hand over your heart.. waiting for the last beat.

But that was not the time.. that was only the beginning of your final journey to heaven.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Lessons about myself... and life.

Often times things happen and I adapt and persevere simply to get through them... but I often don't take the time to sit and think.. God what are you teaching me out of this? What do I take from this? Is there something I need to change??

So here I am... looking back on myself... trying to .... actually I don't really know what I'm trying to do... but these are the lessons I'm learning about myself and some of the unique lessons God is teaching me in current environment.

~ I am convinced that I am the most selfish person on the planet.

~ My emotions come in 2's now adays...Happy.. I'm giddy, open...Saddness.. I close up, I build my walls up, I get mad and I get closed quick.

~ I'm trying desperately to understand the ways of God in my life .. but to no avail.

~ I've already been given life, to ask for anything more for myself is selfishness.

~ I stretch the truth/fib on a daily basis... the How are you? question is almost always grounds for an easy and simple "ok"... simple is a hard concept for me to grasp these days.

~ My ministry to children, I believe benefits me more than them on most days.

~ 1/2 the people I meet.. I'm scared to death of them getting the wrong impression of me. The other 1/2.. I truly don't care... there's not much in between.

~ Folding and putting away the laundry of my toddlers is one of the most gratifying jobs there is.

~ My greatest heros are the missionaries from ages past, the ones that travelled to the unknown to live, without first trying it out, visiting and without the safety net/comfort of fbook connecting them to the familiar. I'm not worthy to be considered in the same category as them.

~ I'm a person that God has called to missions... though I don't actually like people in general. I don't know how to act around people. Give me the close circle of people I trust, and that's all... meeting new people is actually scary for me.

~ I break all the molds that I was taught... I love skirts and ball shorts. I like colors and I love black. I like looking fashionable, but I will intentionally not buy something if everyone has it. I feel old-fashioned and edgy at the same time. I love sparkly shiny things, and I love bumming around the house in ball shorts and ponytail. I have attitude but am extremely submissive.

~ If I don't keep myself in check... I am the most horrendously jealous person on earth.

~ Never underestimate the power of a simple hug to turn around someones day / week / month.

~ Always remove rings before holding the hand of a woman in labor.

~ Blogging is very complex for me, I try to tell my story, but at the same time, letting people in and letting people see scares me some, not in a physical sense at all, but on an emotional insecurity level.

~ A toddler's biggest weapon, when out in public, is the word "CR" (meaning, .. they have to use the restroom).

~ For children and children only, I can pretty much lose all dignity and am a complete clown.

~ Sunshine is therapeutic.

~ Once my mind is made up or once God reveals the next step of His plan.. patience is no longer my friend. I want to move and go for it!

~ Memories and pictures are a great comfort to me.

~ A recent visitor made me aware of just how often I 'space out' and escape into my head...an obvious return of childhood ADD.

~ I'm left speechless when I think how my life has changed in just a few years.

I'll keep adding to it over time, so check back.

~ To God Be the Glory!

I knew her face...but that was all.

I remember her face. Every time I would scan the crowd.. your face would make my eyes snap back to your face. Your face looked like another one I knew.. another face that I loved.. another face that I came to know when we took her away from your home in 2009. I knew then that we were saving her life... now I know we saved her... now.. that your old sibling went to Jesus.. and now that you have made the journey to Jesus yourself. I knew your face, but I never knew your name, I never knew the weight of you in my arms.. your parents would not let you anywhere near us... I often thought of you and hoped they had made changes for your sake, that they would make it possible for you to at least live... changes were not made.. but you are now safe with Jesus. No more worries. No more scariness. No more bad. You are safe in the arms of Jesus now.

RIP baby...I knew your face.. but that was all I knew.

~ To God Be the Glory!

Dreams to Reality

The other day I was talking.. well emailing.. with my best friend and she mentioned "I can't believe how our lives have changed in just 3-4 years." And I stopped and thought about it.. and I've been continuing to think about it.

We have our dreams as kids.. as friends we would always talk about the future.. talking about weddings as if they only actually would occur in fairy tales. Children was something we couldn't even fathom.. even in our dreams. That all seemed like a lifetime away.. something that would never actually reach us.. but we dreamed never the less.

I can remember when I first started of dreaming ... about the world. After my first trip to Venezuela dreaming of the kids that I knew were around the world.. my mind could not grasp the numbers of children that were out there.

I remember on that plane ride back from Venezuela when I was 14... at that moment I began dreaming of living out the calling that God had placed on my heart.. living in those places.. so many.. where would I start?

I dreamt of a life that was anything but the 'American Dream'. A life so out of the ordinary that it had to be God.

Yes, Em... we're here... no more dreaming.. the dreams are reality!

~ To God Be the Glory!